好孩子与好老板！

Parenting Adolescents and the Challenge of Being a Good Boss

养育青少年和成为好老板的挑战

Exercising authority with their teenager can be an unwelcome part of parenting.

对他们的青少年行使权威可能是养育子女中不受欢迎的部分。

Posted November 11, 2024 |  Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

发表于 2024 年 11 月 11 日 | 由 Michelle Quirk 测评

• Compared to children, an independence-minded adolescent increasingly tolerates parental bossing less. 

• Come their child’s adolescence, on both sides of the relationship, parental authority can feel hard to bear. 

• Enrolling the teenager in a discussion of parental concerns can create a collaboration when problem-solving.

• 与儿童相比，具有独立思想的青少年越来越不能容忍父母的指使。

• 到了孩子的青春期，在关系的双方，父母的权威都会让人难以忍受。

• 让青少年参与父母关心的讨论可以在解决问题时建立合作。
  
  

“I don’t like your bossing me around!”

“我不喜欢你对我指手画脚！”

“Well, sometimes I don’t like being your boss!”

“嗯，有时候我不喜欢当你的老板！”

Such a frustrated interchange is less likely to occur in childhood than in adolescence. Why?

这种受挫的互换发生在童年比发生在青春期的可能性要小。为什么？

It’s not that parents boss their teenager more the older she or he grows, but, compared to children, an independence-minded adolescent increasingly tolerates parental bossing less. And this is as it should be, since one developmental goal of adolescence is achieving a functional independence. Now, for good and ill, the young person finally becomes their own boss, just as parents finally let go of their governing authority.

这并不是说父母随着青少年年龄的增长而更多地领导他或她，而是与孩子相比，具有独立思想的青少年越来越不能容忍父母的领导。这是应该的，因为青春期的一个发展目标是实现功能独立。现在，无论好坏，年轻人终于成为了自己的老板，就像父母终于放弃了他们的管理权威一样。

Bossing is unappreciated

老板不被欣赏

Because the teenager sometimes finds parental bossing irritating, oppressive, invasive, and even unjust, she or he is not likely to respond with appreciation for these loyal efforts. In anger, the young person can blame their parents for “pulling rank” or “being on a power trip.” For parents, bossing is part of their thankless responsibility.

因为青少年有时会觉得父母的老板令人恼火、压迫、侵略性，甚至不公正，所以她或他不太可能对这些忠诚的努力表示赞赏。在愤怒中，年轻人可以责怪他们的父母 “拉低等级 ”或 “进行权力之旅”。对于父母来说，老板是他们吃力不讨好的责任的一部分。

However, they can place it in perspective. They can explain: “Please know that when we refuse to give permission, we are not acting against you. We are acting against what you want for what we believe is in your best interests. We are always on your side.”

但是，他们可以正确看待它。他们可以解释说：“请注意，当我们拒绝许可时，我们并不是在对你不利。我们违背您的意愿行事，但我们认为这符合您的最佳利益。我们永远站在您这边。

Come their child’s adolescence, on both sides of the relationship, parental authority can feel hard to bear.

到了孩子的青春期，在关系的双方，父母的权威都会让人难以忍受。

Two kinds of parental authority

两种亲权

It’s well to keep in mind two kinds of authority that parents possess. There is directive authority that dictates and enforces the terms for what must and must not be done. At times, the teenager can object to the exercise of this. However, there is also contributive authority where they further what the young person wants, which can be valued very much. “With what my parents have to give, they help me in all kinds of ways.” So, parental bosses aren’t “all bad” in adolescent eyes, just some of the time.

最好记住父母拥有两种权威。有指示性权威，规定和执行必须做什么和不能做什么的条款。有时，青少年可能会反对这样做。然而，他们也有贡献性的权威，他们促进了年轻人想要的东西，这可以受到非常重视。“我父母付出的一切，他们以各种方式帮助我。”因此，在青少年眼中，父母的老板并不是 “全是坏的”，只是在某些时候。

In addition, teenagers are different. At one extreme can be the authority-compliant young person who seeks to please and likes to do what they are told; at the other extreme is the authority-resistant young person who fiercely follows an individual path. Both kinds of children can sometimes be found in the same family: “It’s mostly agreement from our older and constant argument from our younger.”

此外，青少年是不同的。在一个极端，可能是顺从权威的年轻人，他们寻求取悦并喜欢做他们被告知的事情;另一个极端是抗拒权威的年轻人，他们强烈地追随个人的道路。这两种孩子有时都可以在同一个家庭中找到：“这主要是我们年长的孩子同意，而年幼的孩子经常争论。

Why parents boss

为什么 Parents Boss

Unpopular as it can be, acting as “boss” comes with the territory of being a parent in multiple ways. Consider five: Parents usually assume some structural, supervisory, accountable, supportive, and knowledgeable authority with their teenager until the young person leaves their care.

尽管可能不受欢迎，但充当 “老板 ”以多种方式伴随着作为父母的领域。考虑五：父母通常对他们的青少年承担一些结构性的、监督性的、负责任的、支持性的和知识渊博的权威，直到年轻人离开他们的照顾。

Structure: They create a family system of rules and restraints that directs the learning and practicing of responsible behavior.

结构：他们创建了一个由规则和约束组成的家庭系统，指导负责任行为的学习和实践。

Supervision: They oversee what is going on in the teenager’s life to patrol safe and wise decision-making and to follow through on requests they make.

监督：他们监督青少年生活中发生的事情，以巡逻安全和明智的决策，并跟进他们提出的要求。

Accountability: They hold the teenager to account for choices made and consequences that follow so responsibility from both wise and unwise decisions can be learned.

问责制：他们让青少年对所做的选择和随之而来的后果负责，以便从明智和不明智的决定中学习责任。

Support: They provide basic assistance and caring communication the young person can rely on when in emotional and physical need.

支持：他们提供基本的帮助和关怀沟通，让年轻人在有情感和身体需要时可以依赖。

Knowledge: They use longer life and more worldly experience to inform the young person about issues that she or he may not yet understand.

知识：他们利用更长的寿命和更多的世俗经验来告诉年轻人她或他可能还不理解的问题。

Boss decisions can be hard to make

老板的决定可能很难做出

Being a parent “boss” can mean encountering some agonizing questions:

作为父母的“老板”可能意味着会遇到一些痛苦的问题：

“Should I permit or deny?”

“我应该允许还是拒绝？”

“Should I trust of distrust?”

“我应该相信不信任吗？”

“Should I attend or ignore?”

“我应该参加还是忽略？”

“Should I hold on or let go?”

“我应该坚持还是放手？”

“Should I speak up or shut up?”

“我应该说出来还是闭嘴？”

“Should I keep secret or tell others?”

“我应该保守秘密还是告诉别人？”

“Should I hope it gets better or try to get help?”

“我应该希望情况好转还是尝试寻求帮助？”

In some cases, these are “turning point” moments, how the parent-boss handles the problem or opportunity can affect the course of their adolescent’s life.

在某些情况下，这些是“转折点”时刻，父母老板如何处理问题或机会会影响他们青少年的人生轨迹。

This is why tough parental choices are usually worth talking about with the teenager. Enrolling her or him in a discussion of parental concerns can create a collaboration when problem-solving a complicated decision. Just because the parent has the final authority doesn’t mean they have to go it alone, doesn’t mean the teenager cannot contribute their say, and doesn’t mean the young person cannot come up with ideas worth considering.

这就是为什么通常值得与青少年讨论艰难的父母选择的原因。让她或他参与父母关心的讨论可以在解决复杂决定时建立协作。仅仅因为父母拥有最终的权力并不意味着他们必须独自行动，并不意味着青少年不能发表自己的意见，也不意味着年轻人不能提出值得考虑的想法。

Finally, consider this.

最后，考虑一下。

A question and a promise

一个问题和一个承诺

It’s a question that’s worth parents asking themselves: “Am I the kind of boss I would like to work for?” Sometimes a little self-examination by parents can alter behaviors that get in authority’s way: “Instead of yelling and telling, I might do better by explaining and asking.”

这是一个值得父母问自己的问题：“我是我想为之工作的那种老板吗？有时，父母的一点自我反省可以改变妨碍权威的行为：“与其大喊大叫和讲述，不如解释和询问来做得更好。

Then there’s a promise parents can make about the exercise of their authority: “I will be firm where I have to, will be flexible where I can, will explain what I want and why I want it, and will always give a full listen to whatever you have to say, as long as you speak in a respectful way.”

然后，父母可以就行使他们的权力做出承诺：“我会在必须的地方坚定不移，在我能做到的地方保持灵活，会解释我想要什么以及我为什么想要它，并且只要你以尊重的方式说话，就会永远充分倾听你要说的任何话。