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Have Middle-Class Moms Given Up on “Tiger Parenting”? Now They’re Asking—What Makes a Good Mom?
Lately, during my trip back home and casual chats with friends, I’ve noticed an interesting shift. Not too long ago, every conversation revolved around“tiger parenting.”Moms were busy comparing extracurricular classes, academic competitions, and packed schedules, all in the pursuit of making sure their kids wouldn’t “fall behind.” But now, the conversation has taken a turn—“tiger parenting”seems to be fading into the past, and instead, moms are asking a deeper question:“What makes a good mom?”
What’s surprising is that once moms started reflecting on themselves rather than fixating on their child’s grades, the entire family atmosphere became much more relaxed. The old competitive mindset of “whose kid is more accomplished” has evolved into discussions like “Do moms have their own lives?” and “How can I be a role model for my child?”
This shift in focus can be quite thought-provoking, even a bit unsettling. We grew up with the classic idea of “great maternal love”—where a mother gives up everything for her child, dedicates herself completely, and makes endless sacrifices. But when you really think about it,is a self-sacrificing mom truly the best kind of mom?
中产妈妈已放弃“鸡娃”？转而讨论怎样才是“好妈妈”？
这段时间回国和朋友聊天，突然发现一个很有意思的现象——以前大家聚在一起都是在卷“鸡娃”，什么辅导班、竞赛、兴趣特长安排得满满当当，生怕孩子输在起跑线上。可最近画风变了，“鸡娃”似乎成了过去式，大家开始把重心转向——‘什么样的妈妈才是好妈妈？’
有意思的是，当妈妈的开始反思自己，而不是只盯着孩子成绩的时候，家庭氛围反而轻松了很多。以前大家比拼的是“谁家孩子卷得厉害”，现在讨论的是“妈妈有没有自己的生活”、“妈妈怎么给孩子做榜样”。
其实，这个问题放到台面上，有时候还挺扎心的。毕竟我们从小到大，见惯了“伟大母爱”的经典套路——全身心投入孩子，牺牲自我，做出“伟大的奉献”。但到头来，这种“奉献型妈妈”真的好吗？
文 | Caroline Liang
What Makes a Good Mom?
什么样的妈妈是“好妈妈”？
When this question comes up, I can’t help but imagine the two typical “mom personas” I often see on social media:
1.The “Sacrificial Mom”– Her posts are filled with tutoring sessions, homework battles, and a never-ending cycle of extracurricular activities.
2.The “Superwoman Mom”– Effortlessly juggling a thriving career and parenting, making you feel like moms should be superheroes—perfect in both their professional and personal lives.
But in my opinion, being a “good mom” isn’t about fitting into a certain mold. It’s about whether your child looks at you and thinks:
“I want to be like you.”
At the end of the day,a mom is a child’s first role model.
Kids don’t just listen to what we say; they watch how we live. If a mom pours all her energy into her child while giving up on her own passions and growth, it won’t take long before the child starts wondering,“Mom, what about your own life?”
什么样的妈妈是“好妈妈”？
这个问题一抛出来，感觉立马脑补到朋友圈里的两种“画风”：
一种是“为娃牺牲一切型”，满屏晒陪读、辅导作业、报兴趣班；另一种是“事业全开挂型”，分分钟让你觉得妈妈就应该是超人——孩子也带得好，事业也搞得飞起。
我个人的观点，我觉得“好妈妈”不是什么标签，而是你能不能让孩子觉得：“我想成为你那样的人。”
说到底，妈妈是孩子的第一任role model。
孩子看的是你怎么活，而不是你怎么“牺牲”。如果妈妈把所有精力都放在孩子身上，放弃了自己的成长和热爱，其实时间一长，孩子也会不知所措，甚至可能问你：“妈妈，那你的生活呢？”
Many people believe that being a good mom means centering your entire world around your child, sacrificing everything for their success. But the truth is, this approach can send the wrong message—teaching children that love equals self-sacrifice.
We grew up hearing our moms say things like:
“Everything I do is for you.”
Looking back, I realize that this mindset can be a double-edged sword. For the child, it creates pressure; for the mom, it’s a form of self-erasure.
A truly good mom shows, through her actions, that:
•Loving life, continually learning, and staying independent are key values.
•A successful career teaches kids about ambition and goal-setting.
•Pursuing personal interests—whether it’s fitness, learning a new skill, or even indulging in hobbies—shows kids that life is meant to be enjoyed.
Ultimately, a good mom doesn’t just revolve around her child. Instead, she demonstrates through her own lifestyle:
“I’m living a life I love, and you can too.”
“好妈妈”是孩子的榜样，而非“牺牲者”
很多人认为，妈妈的职责就是全心全意地围着孩子转，为孩子牺牲一切。但事实上，这种做法可能会让孩子误解“爱”的含义——以牺牲自我为代价。这种“牺牲式母爱”可能在短期内给孩子安全感，但长远来看却会限制孩子的独立成长。我们这代人，小时候听到最多的一句话可能是：“妈妈什么都为了你。”
但我越来越觉得，这句话对孩子是“捧杀”，对妈妈是“自杀”。
一个真正好的妈妈，是孩子的榜样，她通过自己的行动告诉孩子：“热爱生活、不断成长、独立自强是多么重要。”孩子会从妈妈身上看到生活的多样性和可能性。比如：
• 你追求事业，孩子会学会目标感；
• 你坚持健身、学习，孩子会理解自律的意义；
• 你追星、看剧、养花种草，孩子会发现，“原来生活也可以这么有趣。”
所以我觉得，好的妈妈不是只围着孩子转，而是通过自己的人生状态告诉孩子：“我在努力活成我喜欢的样子。”
A Good Mom is a Distant Guardian, Not a Micromanager
“远远的守护者”而非“全能的掌控者”
One of the hardest lessons in parenting is learning to let go.
Many moms, out of love, micromanage every aspect of their child’s life—making decisions for them, planning every detail, and even stepping in to prevent failure. But the unintended consequence? Kids who struggle to make independent decisions and constantly feel overshadowed by their super-capable moms.
A good mom takes on the role of a“distant guardian”rather than a“helicopter parent.”She doesn’t pave every step of the way but instead empowers her child to walk their own path, offering gentle guidance from afar.
This approach involves:
•Providing enough freedom for kids to explore, experiment, and even fail.
•Serving as a mental and emotional support system without taking over.
•Trusting that your child can figure things out, while being there as a safety net.
It’s about finding that delicate balance:“I’m here when you need me, but I trust you to try first.”
“远远的守护者”而非“全能的掌控者”
做妈妈最大的挑战之一是学会“放手”。
许多妈妈出于爱，可能会过于介入孩子的生活：帮孩子做决定、安排每一件事、甚至帮孩子承担失败。但这样做的后果，往往是孩子缺乏自我决策能力和独立性，甚至会觉得自己永远不如妈妈“强大”。
“远远的守护者”这个角色，更像是一个引导者而非控制者。妈妈不是替孩子铺好每一条路，而是用自己的智慧告诉孩子：“这条路，你可以自己走；我会远远守护着你，不让你受太大的伤害，但也会允许你跌倒和学习。”
“远远守护者”这个定位是高纬度视角：
• 既能让孩子知道“你永远在”，也给了他们足够的自由去尝试、去犯错；
• 既是一个精神支柱，也能让孩子感受到信任。
一个好的守护者，懂得适时退后，把舞台留给孩子，同时用眼神和行动告诉孩子：“没关系，你可以自己来。”有些人会说，“那我不管了，孩子会不会太脆弱？”我觉得不是“撒手不管”，而是“让孩子学会自己试着解决问题，而你在旁边hold住底线”。
When Moms Have a Balanced Life, Kids Learn Balance Too 平衡自己的角色，孩子才能学会平衡自己的生活
A mom wears many hats—caretaker, mentor, partner, and, most importantly, an individual with her own aspirations. If a mom gives up her career, hobbies, and dreams entirely for the sake of her child, the child may start feeling an unspoken pressure. They may even ask:
“Mom, what about your own dreams?”
Children don’t just need guidance; they need inspiration. And what better inspiration than seeing their mom embrace life in a fulfilling way?
•Show your child that it’s okay to have boundaries—“I have work now, but we’ll have time together later.”
•Demonstrate the importance of friendships and self-care.
•Let them see that pursuing your goals isn’t selfish—it’s essential.
Balance isn’t just something we preach to our kids; it’s something we model for them every day.
平衡自己的角色，孩子才能学会平衡自己的生活
妈妈的角色很多元，既是孩子的依赖对象，也是家庭的支柱，更是一个独立的个体。
如果妈妈把所有精力都用在孩子身上，自己的事业、兴趣、梦想全都放弃，孩子反而可能觉得有压力，甚至会反问：“妈妈，那你的生活呢？你想要的是什么？”
孩子最需要学习的不是妈妈的“牺牲”，而是妈妈如何平衡自己的多重身份。
比如，你可以通过日常行为告诉孩子：
• “我白天忙工作，但晚上会陪你聊天。”
• “我也有自己的朋友和兴趣爱好，和你一样。”
• “当我为自己努力时，我也希望你为自己努力。”
这种潜移默化的影响，远比盯着孩子的作业更有意义。
There’s a saying:“When moms are too strong, kids become weak.”
If a mom always steps in to fix everything, the child never learns resilience or problem-solving skills. The best moms are those whoembrace imperfectionand aren’t afraid to show vulnerability.
•“I don’t know the answer either, let’s figure it out together.”
•“I had a tough day too; let’s take a break.”
•“I’m learning how to be a better mom, just like you’re learning to grow up.”
Being real with your child builds a deeper connection and teaches them that perfection isn’t the goal—growth is.
适度“弱势”，让孩子变得“强势”
“妈妈太强，孩子就太弱”——这句话非常有道理。
如果妈妈事事都亲力亲为、什么都替孩子做好，孩子反而会失去尝试和锻炼的机会。
好的妈妈，不需要“全能”，也不需要“完美”。恰恰相反，一个“适度不完美”的妈妈，反而更能培养孩子的责任感和自我能力。
• 比如，妈妈可以承认自己的不足：“这个事情妈妈也不会，我们一起学。”
• 或者主动示弱：“这件事情你来帮妈妈，好吗？”
当孩子被赋予责任时，他们会更有信心，也会觉得自己是家庭的一部分，而不仅是被照顾的对象。
In a world that glorifies success and achievement, it’s easy for moms to fall into the trap of constantly encouraging their children to win, excel, and shine. But the truth is, life isn’t a straight path to victory—it’s a winding road full of setbacks, detours, and disappointments.A good mom doesn’t just cheer for success; she teaches her child how to stand tall in the face of failure.
Resilience isn’t something that can be taught through words alone; it’s built through experience. A mom who truly prepares her child for life isn’t afraid to let them face challenges, struggle through difficulties, and even taste failure. The goal isn’t to protect them from every fall, but to show them how to get back up—every single time.
Failure isn’t the enemy; fear of failure is.
When a child grows up believing that failure is unacceptable, they become hesitant, afraid to take risks, and overly dependent on external validation. But when they understand that setbacks are a natural part of growth, they become bolder, more adaptive, and better equipped to handle life’s uncertainties.
So, what does a resilience-building mom do?
•She allows her child to take risks,even when there’s a chance of failure. Whether it’s trying out for a team they might not make or taking on a challenge they aren’t fully prepared for, the experience matters more than the outcome.
•She normalizes struggle,showing that hard times are not a sign of weakness but of progress. Tears, frustration, and doubts are all part of the journey, and that’s okay.
•She emphasizes bouncing back,reminding her child that failure is just a temporary state, not a permanent label. “What did you learn from this?” becomes a more important question than “Why didn’t you succeed?”
•She leads by example,openly sharing her own experiences of setbacks and how she overcame them, proving that resilience is a lifelong skill, not just a childhood lesson.
Ultimately,resilience is about courage—the courage to keep going, to try again, and to believe in oneself even when things don’t go as planned.A good mom doesn’t make life easier for her child; she makes them stronger for life.
Because life, after all, isn’t about avoiding failure—it’s about learning to rise, again and again.
好妈妈要教会孩子“抗造”，而不只是“成功”
这个世界太喜欢成功学了，动不动就讲如何赢在起跑线、如何成就非凡人生。妈妈们也很容易被这种氛围裹挟，变成孩子的啦啦队长，拼命鼓励他们去赢、去优秀、去出人头地。可是，人生哪有那么顺？好妈妈的任务，不是让孩子一直成功，而是教他们怎么面对失败，怎么扛住生活的起起落落。
抗造，不是光靠嘴皮子说说就能学会的，得靠经历一点点“磕磕碰碰”慢慢磨出来。一个真正为孩子着想的妈妈，不会时时刻刻挡在前面替他们清扫障碍，而是允许孩子摔倒、迷茫、甚至失败得很难看。重要的不是失败，而是每一次跌倒后，孩子能不能自己爬起来。
失败从来不是洪水猛兽，怕失败才是。
如果孩子从小被保护得太好，觉得失败是“世界末日”，那长大后只会小心翼翼，害怕尝试，习惯依赖。而如果他们从小就明白，“人生就像打怪升级，失败只是其中的一关”，那他们就会变得更勇敢、更有韧劲，敢于直面生活的各种不确定性。
那怎么才能培养孩子的“抗造能力”？
•敢于放手，让孩子试错。无论是报个自己不擅长的兴趣班，还是主动去面对一个可能失败的挑战，重要的是让他们知道，尝试比结果更有价值。
•允许孩子难过，让他们自己消化挫折。哭也行，沮丧也行，情绪释放之后，再引导他们思考：“这次失败学到了什么？”比“你怎么这么不争气”有用多了。
•强调每一次重来的意义。失败不可怕，重要的是敢于再来一次，哪怕调整策略，哪怕慢慢来，只要不放弃，就是赢家。
•妈妈自己也要做榜样。别只让孩子练“抗造”，妈妈也可以分享自己的“翻车”经历，告诉他们：“我也曾经失败过，但生活还是要继续。”
抗造，其实是一种底气，一种输得起、扛得住的气场。好妈妈不会替孩子铺平所有的路，而是陪着他们走过那些坑坑洼洼，最终让孩子成为自己人生的主角。
毕竟，人生从来不是不摔跤的，而是每次摔倒，都能更好地站起来。
The Ultimate Goal: Raising Independent and Happy Kids
妈妈的终极命题：养出独立又快乐的孩子
At the end of the day, a mom’s job isn’t to create a “perfect child.” It’s to nurture a confident, independent, and happy individual. The ultimate mission is to walk alongside them for a while, then watch them confidently step into their own lives.
And in this journey, moms must remember to live their own fulfilling lives—because a happy mom creates a happy home.
•A confident mom inspires confidence in her child.
•An independent mom raises an independent child.
•A mom who chases her dreams teaches her child to do the same.
In Summary: What Makes a Good Mom?
1.A good mom has her own life, not just her child’s.
2.She knows when to step back and let her child grow.
3.She embraces imperfection and leads by example.
4.She balances love with independence, creating a healthy relationship.
So yes, “tiger parenting” might be fading, but the conversation about being a “good mom” is just getting started.
Let’s all strive to be the kind of moms whosupport, inspire, and empower—without losing ourselves in the process.
Here’s to parenting with balance and joy!
妈妈的终极命题：养出独立又快乐的孩子
妈妈的终极使命，不是养出一个“完美的孩子”，而是培养一个能面对生活挑战、拥有独立人格和幸福能力的个体。说到底，妈妈这份工作就是陪孩子走过一段路，最后送他走向属于自己的人生。而在这个过程中，妈妈自己得活得精彩，活得自在，才能给孩子最好的榜样。
• 快乐的妈妈，才能带来快乐的家庭。
• 独立的妈妈，才能让孩子学会独立。
• 有梦想的妈妈，才能让孩子懂得追逐梦想的意义。
孩子需要的不是一个无所不能的“超人妈妈”，也不是一个“牺牲式妈妈”，而是一个在生活里有力量、有温度、有爱的人。
最后再偷懒总结一下：
• 放手不是不爱，是更高级的爱；
• 妈妈不需要完美，但需要真实；
• 你活得自信，孩子才会有自信。
写在最后：
“好妈妈”不是无所不能，而是无所不能地支持孩子去成为更好的自己。
她是榜样，是守护者，是启发者。她用自己的生活告诉孩子，人生的意义在于成长、热爱和独立，而不是依赖和牺牲。
真正的爱，不是控制，而是赋予自由和力量。
共勉！
Thank you all for your attention and support! Keep liking, sharing, and commenting（Higly Aprreciate your insightful comments, which will enlighten me on future writing). We’ll continue to bring you more insightful and engaging stories!
感谢大家的关注和支持，继续点赞、转发、特别是留言（高质量留言会给我的创作带来洞见和启发）！ 我将持续为大家带来更多有料有趣的故事🙌🫶
