夫妻的育儿三观不合？用这10个方法就够了
教育
母婴育儿
2024-11-16 10:01
北京
When Parents Disagree: 10 Ways to Parent as a Team
在教育孩子的过程中，大多数夫妻都经历过教育方法不统一的问题。你觉得该用这种方法管孩子，而你的配偶觉得该用另一种方法。你们每个人都认为自己的方法对，于是一场家庭战争就开始了。Most couples have experienced this situation at one time or another—you think you should discipline your child a certain way, and your spouse wants to handle it differently. You each become entrenched in your position, and that’s when the fighting starts.夫妻本是不同的两个人，自然对孩子的管教方法也会有差异，为此争吵也在所难免。有些分歧是意料之中，有些频繁出现的争论可能超出你们预期。但你要记住一点：婚姻是由来自不同家庭背景和信仰的两个人组建的，两个人不一样是很正常的。At some point, most couples will argue over how to discipline their children. After all, you and your spouse are different people who will naturally approach parenting differently at times—or maybe more often than you’d like. Understand that some disagreement is to be expected. Marriages, after all, are unions between people from different family backgrounds and beliefs, which can easily lead to parental tensions.我们先花点时间做一个区分，即拥有不同信仰和沟通方式与无法就孩子教育问题达成一致的区分。首先每个人都不同，所以我们都有自己与孩子相处的方式。你可能很健谈，爱聊天，但你的配偶却可能很安静，更矜持。两种方式都没问题。但父母对孩子教育规则的不统一会引发问题。举个例子，你觉得孩子撒谎就应该狠狠惩罚，而你的配偶却觉得没什么大不了，这样你们在处理孩子撒谎问题时肯定就完全不一样。Let’s stop here for a minute and make an important distinction between having different beliefs and communication styles versus not being able to agree on what decisions to make regarding your children. Since we are not the same people, we will each have our own style of relating to our kids. You might be very talkative and like to chat while your spouse might be quieter and more reserved around your child. Both styles are okay. It’s the differences around parental decisions regarding a child that can be problematic. For example, let’s say you believe your child should be punished harshly for lying while your spouse feels that lying isn’t a big deal. As a result, you react differently and aren’t on the same page when it comes to consequences.当父母的管教规则不一致时，孩子完全能感觉到：你们之间不团结，这也会给他带来一种不稳定的感觉。同时告诉他们这是一个挑起争端的方法，如果爸爸妈妈打起来了，自己的麻烦就少了，不是么？（我们以后有机会展开讲这个问题）Here’s the truth: Children can sense when their parents aren’t in sync in their decisions around discipline. Your child will feel the lack of unity between you, which can create a feeling of instability for him. This will also give kids an opening; they will sometimes use it to provoke a fight. This gets your child off the hook and turns parent against parent. (More on this later.)当父母意见不统一，可能引发小摩擦，也可能引起家庭大战。以下这10条简单的原则，就是希望帮助你们在抚养孩子时避免这种情况出现。Disagreements between parents can cause minor flare-ups or a serious all-out war in your household. Following these 10 simple guidelines can help you to avoid battles when it comes to raising your children.夫妻间达成一条约定：在一方管教孩子时，另一方哪怕不同意，也必须支持。如果你们不这样做，孩子就会得出父母不团结的结论，然后被挑战的一方的权威性就会削弱。孩子会发现可以绕过这个家长的管教方法，另寻出路。（注：有一种情况例外，那就是当你发现配偶正在做的事情可能对孩子的身体或情感造成伤害时，你必须坚决反对并大声制止：“我不能让你这么对待孩子！”然后采取必要的措施以确保孩子的人身安全。)Make it a rule that if one parent disciplines the kids, the other parent must back them up, even if they do not agree. If you don’t do this, it will show your child that his parents are not a unified team and undermine your authority. Your child will see that he can get around any parenting decision you make. (Note: this does not apply to parents who neglect or abuse their children. If you feel that something your spouse is doing is detrimental to your children in some physical or emotional way, then you need to put your foot down and say, “I can’t go along with this.” Then take the necessary steps to make sure your child is safe.)
在教育孩子的问题上，找到你们的共同目标。你们的争吵会给孩子制造不安和焦虑，没有谁愿意看到自己的父母打成一团，哪怕都是“为了我好”，长此以往将产生不良的后果。此外，当你们争吵时，焦点早已从“孩子问题”转移到了你们的“沟通问题”，你们肯定也不希望用这种“针锋相对”的方式，教育孩子如何沟通和解决问题。因此，哪怕意见不同，也请你先支持你的配偶。等事情平息以后，别当着孩子的面儿，你们自己再去讨论不同意见，商量下次如何更好地处理这种情况，结成统一战线。Find a way to arrive in the same place on how to proceed with your child. Be aware that your fights over how to raise your children are disturbing to your kids. Children don’t like to see their parents not getting along, and these battles can have long-term effects. Understand also that every time you argue with your mate over parenting, the focus shifts away from your child. Rather than teaching your child how to behave and problem solve, the focus instead becomes parent against parent. Back one another up in the moment, even if you don’t fully agree. Later, when things are calm, (and you’re out of earshot of your child), you can discuss better ways of handling the situation with your spouse, and then present a unified front.如果你们彼此都无法接受对方的不同意见，那么就看谁更加笃定。比如，你觉得12岁的孩子可以去朋友家过夜，但是你的配偶有点担心，认为孩子还没独立到那种程度。你可以说：“我非常确信他可以。即使你有不同意见，也非常希望你能支持我的观点。”或者“即使你不同意，在这个问题上能听我一次吗？”或者“虽然我不确定什么是最好的方法，但直觉告诉我一定要试一试。你愿意支持我吗?”Who feels most strongly about the issue at hand?If you and your spouse really are on different pages on something and neither person can get to the other side of the issue, then the parent who feels more passionately about it might make the call. Let’s say, for example, that you’re okay with your 12-year-old going to a sleep over at a good friend’s house, but your spouse is still fearful of allowing your child to have that kind of independence. You might say, “I feel so strongly about this. I’d really like you to support me on this, even if you don’t see it the same way.” Or, “Can I ask you to go along with me on this one, even if you don’t agree?” Or, “I can’t say for certain that this is the best decision, but my gut is telling me to give it a try. Can you support me on this?”当你可以不带任何评判地倾听对方的观点，你反而更有可能影响对方的决定。真理就是，没有绝对的真理。思考问题的方式多种多样，你的方式是其中一种，对方的也是。当你愿意尊重彼此的不同，试着理解对方的观点时，对方也在为你敞开沟通的大门。过激的态度只会竖起沟通的围墙，让彼此渐行渐远，而这绝不是你们争执的目的。Talk about parenting decisions when you are calmWhen calmly listening to one another’s perspective without being critical, you’ll have a better shot at influencing your spouse’s decision. Remember, there is no such thing as “One Truth” thinking. There are many ways to think about things, not just your way. When you can be respectful of that truth and make room for another person’s thoughts that are different than your own, you’ll have a chance of keeping your mate open to your ways of thinking, too. Otherwise, your attitude will contribute to making their wall go up. The two of you then become polarized over the issue when that’s not always what the fight is really about.如果在某件事上你的配偶更笃定，并且你决定要支持他的决定，你可以对孩子说：“我知道妈妈不让你在外过夜，你很不开心。因为你觉得已经准备好独立了。“当你说这些话时，一方面你在同理心孩子的感受，另一方面你没有破坏与配偶的统一战线。在孩子选择接受你们的决定时，这种同理心会让他感觉更舒服，他会感到是被理解的，不孤单的。同样，你和配偶可以在稍后私下交换不同意见，商量下次如何更好的解决问题。Empathize with your child, but don’t throw your spouse under the busIf your spouse feels more strongly about something and you’ve decided to go along with their decision, you can say to your child, “I know it’s hard for you when Mom won’t let you go on a sleepover. I see it bothers you because you feel you are ready for this independence.” You’re empathizing with your child’s feelings, but not breaking the unified stance. When you show empathy, your child also feels he’s understood and not so alone. Your child still must go along with the decision you’ve made with your mate. Again, later, Dad can discuss with Mom his differing views and perhaps they can come to a different decision together on how to handle things the next time the situation comes up.你们是截然不同的两个人，也许他的教育观点你很难理解，进而对他的思维方式感到不满。我建议你去了解一下他的家族史，也许会发现这些观念是如何深植在他心中的。由此你便能更客观、不带个人偏见地去看待问题。试着帮彼此认清安全问题、环境问题和文化规范等会随着时间而改变，你们小时候的一些方法现在已经不适用了。或者他们家的方法，在你们家就不适用。有时候，我们只是因为害怕改变，而坚持那些我们熟悉和舒适的东西，并没有考虑什么才是当下最好的方法。
Get to know your spouse’s family historyPerhaps it’s difficult for you to understand your mate’s perspective on child rearing because it’s so different from your own, so you end up feeling critical of his way of thinking. I recommend that you get to know his family history and how deeply those beliefs are rooted. It may help you to see things more objectively and less personally, and you will then be able to respond with less judgment. Try to help each other see that safety issues, environmental concerns, and cultural norms change over time. What might have worked back when your spouse was a kid might not make sense now. Or what worked in his family back then might be different than what will work in your family right now. Anxiety about change and differences can often cause parents with the best of intentions to stick to what’s familiar and comfortable, rather than think of what’s best for the present situation.有时候孩子们会利用父母意见不统一的事实来操纵成年人。他们可能会故意引起争端，以此来逃避家庭管教。比如说，你丈夫对儿子的功课要求很严格，但是你觉得他给孩子施加了太多压力。该做作业了，可你儿子一边说“数学很烂”，一边抱怨他的老师多不好。你丈夫就开始对他吼“你数学成绩需要提高。”孩子并没回答他爸爸，而是把目光投向你，好像暗示你该出场了。你回答：“都是你对他太严格了，才会这样。因为你给他太多压力了。”在你们吵架的时候，孩子一直看电视，压根没做作业。这种情况，焦点就是跑偏了。孩子不但挑起了战争，没得到应有的管教，还无需对此承担任何责任。此外，争吵带来的紧张情绪让你们的家里氛围变得剑拔弩张，而这可能让孩子的行为问题更加严重。如果你们继续将关注点放在“斗争”，而不是让孩子承担“责任”上，你们家的问题会愈演愈烈。When parents fight, kids are off the hookSometimes kids will use the fact that you’re not on the same page to manipulate you. They might even set you up to fight with each other to get off the hook. Let’s say your husband is very strict with your son about schoolwork, but you feel that he’s putting too much pressure on your child.When it’s time to do his homework, your son says he “stinks at math” and complains about his teacher. Your husband yells at him and says that he needs to bring up his math grade. Instead of answering, your child looks at you for help. As if on cue, you jump in and say, “Get off his back—he’s doing fine.” Your husband replies, “If he was doing fine he would have gotten a better score.” Now the fight is ramping up. You respond with, “You’re too strict–that’s why he’s like this, because you’re too hard on him.” Meanwhile, your child keeps watching TV and doesn’t do the homework he was supposed to do. In this situation, the focus goes to the wrong place. When kids provoke these arguments, they’re not getting the discipline they need and they’re not being held accountable. In addition, the tension caused by the fighting is going to increase the tension in your house, which often causes your child to act out (or “act in”) more. Their behavior won’t change if you’re more focused on fighting each other than holding your kids accountable for their behavior.与其争论对错，不如集中精力制定计划。需要的时候不妨积极暂停，散散步，做点别的事情，开车转转，转换心情。等回来以后，你们再好好谈谈。你可以说：“我们花几分钟交换下想法。你说的时候，我会好好听，不评价，不打断你。我只是想知道为什么这点对你如此重要，因为你不是一个固执己见的人。”Rather than getting into a battle of who’s right and who’s wrong, focus on working on a plan. Take a time-out if you need one. Try taking a walk, go do something else, or take a drive. When you come back later, set up a time to talk. You can say, “Let’s each spend a few minutes talking about this. I’m just going to listen to you and I’m not going to say a word. I’m not going to interrupt you. Just let me hear why this one is so important to you because you don’t usually hold onto things so strongly.”夫妻每个人都需要时间来陈述自己的观点，也需要听懂对方的观点。因为每个人都有自己的愿望和向往、自己的传统和对未来的憧憬。如果我们能花几分钟时间倾听对方说话，不受自己焦虑情绪的影响，不试图说服对方接受我们的方式，不去辩护或指责。与发现不同相反，你要更多地去听到你们的共同点。你可以说：“我们怎么能协商一下?”或者“我明白你的意思了。现在我明白你为什么觉得这点很重要。虽然我不是很确定，但会支持你的决定。”最重要的是，现在你们都知道自己被听懂了，被理解了。It helps couples to give each other a few minutes and just talk about why a certain issue is important. Everyone has their own wishes, their own yearnings, their own traditions, their own visions of the future. If we can spend a few minutes just hearing the other person without our anxiety getting stirred up—and without trying to talk our mate into our way of doing things, defending or blaming—and instead hear where they’re coming from, a lot of times you’ll be able to find common ground. You can say, “What can we do to negotiate on this?” Or, “I hear you. Now I understand why this is so important to you. I don’t feel as strongly, but I’ll support your decision.” Most importantly, you will both know you’ve been heard.如果你觉得自己什么方法都试过了，但仍然无法与伴侣达成共识，你们可能需要寻求心理治疗师的专业帮助。一个好的治疗师能帮你找到与对方沟通的方式，而不是为了每个育儿问题争吵，还能找出你们可能存在困扰的其他问题。Is it time for professional help?If you feel like you’ve tried everything and you’re still not able to get on the same page with your mate, you may need some personal help in the form of a therapist. A good therapist will help you find ways to talk with each other rather than fight about every parenting issue that comes up and find out if there are other things getting you “stuck.”信不信由你，夫妻间的自然差异可以发挥成为你们的优势，而不是争吵的原因。因为差异的存在，我们的视野扩大了，学会更好地理解彼此。最重要的一点是，理解和尊重每个人都有不同的沟通方式和不同的信仰体系。没有两个人是完全一致的。重要的是求同存异，找到你们共同的部分，并达成协商和统一，让孩子不必在你们分歧的夹缝中求生存。Believe it or not, natural differences between spouses can be treated as strengths, not as causes for arguments. Differences can help us expand our own perspective and understand one another better. The bottom line is that we all have different ways of communicating and different belief systems—and that’s fine. No two people are going to come together with the exact same opinions and values 100 percent of the time. The important thing is to find a way to come together so your kid is not pulled into the middle of your differences.
