四十
在街市上我见过两只狗， 隔着熙攘的人群，远远地它们已经互相发现，互相呼唤，眉目传情。In the marketplace, I witnessed two dogs. Despite the bustling crowd, they had already spotted each other from afar, calling out to one another and exchanging glances filled with deep emotion.
待主人手上的绳索一松，它们就一个从东一个从西，钻过千百条人腿飞奔到一起，那样子就像电影中久别的情人一朝重逢，或历尽劫波的夫妻终于团聚。Once the owner loosens the rope, they will race together from east to west, passing through thousands of people's legs, just like the long-lost lovers in the movie who meet again or the couples who have gone through many hardships finally reunite.
它们亲亲密密地偎依，耳鬓厮磨，窃窃地说些狗话。然后时候到了，主人喊了，主人“重利轻别离”，它们呢，仍旧情意缠绵，觉得时间怎么忽然走得这样快？They snuggled up closely to each other, rubbing their ears and cheeks together, whispering some doggy talk. Then the time came when their owners called. The owners were "valuing profit over parting", but they were still lingering in their affection, wondering how time could pass by so quickly all of a sudden.
主人过来抓住绳索，拍拍它们的脑门儿，告诉它们：你们是狗呵，要本分，要把你们的爱献给某一处三居室。The owner came over, grabbed the ropes, patted their heads, and told them: You are dogs, you should behave and dedicate your love to a three-bedroom house.
它们于是各奔东西，“孔雀东南飞，五里一回头”，消失在人海苍茫之中，而且互相不知道地址。They then went their separate ways, "the peacock flew southeast, turning around every five miles", disappearing into the vast sea of people, and not knowing each other's addresses.
我常想，这两只狗一定知道它们怀念的是什么，虽然它们说不出，抑或只因为我们听不懂。I often think that these two dogs must know what they miss, although they can't say it or maybe it's just because we can't understand them.
不过可以猜想：只身活在异类当中，周围全是语言难通的两足动物，孤独还能教它们怀念什么呢？But you can guess: living alone among the aliens, surrounded by two-legged animals whose language is difficult to understand, what can loneliness teach them to miss?
只是我未及注意它们的性别，不知那是否仅仅出于性欲。I just didn't pay attention to their gender, and I don't know if it was just out of sexual desire.
四十一
不管怎么说， 给爱下定义是要惹上帝发笑的。Defining love is, no matter what, something that would make God laugh.
不如先绕开它，换个角度，这样问：什么时候，你第一次感到了爱？或者是在什么样的时候，你感到了需要爱？Instead of tackling it directly, let's change the angle and ask: When did you first feel love? Or, in what kind of situation did you feel the need for love?
我常回想那是在什么时候？什么样的时候？I often wonder when and in what situation it was.
那大约要追溯到上小学的时候。有个女孩儿，与我同年，她长得漂亮吗？但是我的目光总被她吸引，只要她在，我的注意力就总是去围绕她。It probably dates back to my primary school days. There was a girl, the same age as me. Was she pretty? But my gaze was always drawn to her, and whenever she was around, my attention would always revolve around her.
最初发现她是在一次“六一”儿童节的庆祝会上，她朗诵一首诗，关于一个穷苦的黑人孩子的诗……I first noticed her during a "June 1st" Children's Day celebration, where she recited a poem about a poor black child...
会场中先还有些喧闹，但忽然喧闹声沉落下去，只剩下她的声音在会场中飘荡，清纯、稚气，但却微微地哽咽，灯光全部聚向她时，我看见她的眼边有泪光……The hall was still somewhat noisy at first, but suddenly the noise subsided, leaving only her voice echoing in the hall, pure, childlike, but slightly choked up. When all the lights focused on her, I saw tears glistening in the corners of her eyes...
从那以后我总想去接近她，但又总是远远地看她并不敢走去近前，甚至跟她说话也有自惭形秽之感，甚至连她的住处也让我想像叠出觉得神圣不可及。Since then, I always wanted to approach her, but I always kept my distance, dare not walk up to her, and even felt inferior when speaking to her. Even her residence seemed sacred and unreachable in my imagination.
这是爱的吗？爱的萌动？但这与性有多少关系呢？那女孩儿，现在想来真的不能算漂亮，身上一点女人的迹象也还没有。是什么触动了我呢？Is this love? The budding of love? But how much does it have to do with sex? That girl, now that I think about it, really wasn't that pretty and didn't have a single trace of womanliness about her. What was it that touched me?
四十二
如果那一次触动中其实有着懵懂的性因素， 可同样的触动也曾来自一个男孩儿，他住在一座不同寻常的房子里。If there were actually some naive sexual factors in that touch, the same kind of touch also came from a boy who lived in an unusual house.
我在《务虚笔记》中写过那座房子，在《务虚笔记》中我借助对一个女孩儿的眺望，写过，我怎样走进了那座漂亮的房子，看见了里面的生活。I wrote about that house in my book "Retreat Notes". In it, I used the perspective of a girl to write about how I walked into that beautiful house and saw the life inside.
那是一座在我当时看去不可思议的房子，和一种我想像不到的生活，在《务虚笔记》中我写到了我当时的感受。It was a house that seemed inconceivable to me at the time, and a life that I couldn't have imagined. In my book "Retreat Notes," I wrote about my feelings at that time.
在走不尽的灰暗小街的缠缠绕绕之中，在寂寞的冬天的早晨，朦胧的阳光之下，那座房子明朗、清洁、幽静，仿佛置身世外。In the endless twists and turns of the dark streets, on a lonely winter morning, under the hazy sunshine, the house was bright, clean, and secluded, as if it were in a different world.
那里面的布设和主人们的举止，都高雅得让我惊诧，让我羡慕，让一个欲念初萌的孩子从头到脚弥漫开沉沉的自卑。The layout and the behavior of the hosts there were so elegant that I was amazed, envious, and filled with deep inferiority complex from head to toe as a child with budding desires.
我很快就感觉到了一种冷淡，和冷淡的威胁。不错，是自卑，我永远都看见那一刻，那一刻永不磨灭。I soon felt a kind of coldness, and a threat of coldness. Yes, it's self-abasement. I will always see that moment, which will never be erased.
那儿的人是否傲慢地说了什么并不重要，重要的是那自卑与生俱来，重要的是那冷淡的威胁其实是由自卑构筑，即使那儿的人没有任何傲慢的表示我也早就想逃跑了。It doesn't matter whether the people there said something arrogantly or not. What matters is that the sense of inferiority is inborn. What matters is that the threat of coldness is actually built on the sense of inferiority. Even if the people there didn't show any arrogance, I would have wanted to run away long ago.
《务虚笔记》中写的是：我想回家。我跑出了那座美丽的房子，我走在回家的路上，但是家——那一向等待着我的温暖之中，忽然掺进了一缕黯然。The book "Retreat Notes" says: I want to go home. I ran out of that beautiful house, and I walked on my way home, but home---the warmth that had always awaited me - suddenly became a little gloomy.
家，由于另一种生活的衬照，由于冷淡的威胁，竟也变得孤独堪怜。在《务虚笔记》中，我借助于画家Z的形象去看过我自己那时的心情……Home, in contrast to another kind of life and under the threat of indifference, has become lonely and pitiful. In "Retreat Notes", I used the image of painter Z to look back my own mood at that time.
