我是史铁生——很小的时候我就觉得这话有点怪，好像我除了是我还可以是别的什么。这感觉一直不能消灭，独处时尤为挥之不去，终于想懂：史铁生是别人眼中的我，我并非全是史铁生。I am Shi Tiesheng - Even when I was very young, I felt there was something a bit strange about this statement, as if besides being myself, I could also be something else. This feeling has never disappeared and lingers especially when I'm alone. Finally, I came to understand: Shi Tiesheng is how others see me, and I am not entirely Shi Tiesheng.
多数情况下，我被史铁生减化和美化着。减化在所难免。美化或出于他人的善意，或出于我的伪装，还可能出于某种文体的积习——中国人喜爱赞歌。Most of the time, I am simplified and beautified by the image of Shi Tiesheng. Simplification is inevitable. The beautification may come from the kindness of others, or from my own pretenses, or perhaps from the ingrained habits of a certain literary style - the Chinese people love paeans.
因而史铁生以外，还有着更为丰富、更为浑沌的我。这样的我，连我也常看他是个谜团。我肯定他在，但要把他全部捉拿归案却非易事。总之，他远非坐在轮椅上、边缘清晰齐整的那一个中年男人。Therefore, apart from Shi Tiesheng, there is a more complex and chaotic me. This me is often a mystery even to myself. I'm certain he exists, but it's no easy feat to capture him completely. In short, he is far from being just that middle-aged man sitting in a wheelchair with clear and neat edges.
白昼有一种魔力，常使人为了一个姓名的牵挂而拘谨、犹豫，甚至于慌不择路。Daytime has a kind of magic that often makes people restrained, hesitant, and even desperate in their choices because of the concern for a name.
一俟白昼的魔法遁去，夜的自由到来，姓名脱落为一张扁平的画皮，剩下的东西才渐渐与我重合，虽似朦胧缥缈了，却真实起来。Once the magic of the day fades away and the freedom of the night arrives, the name peels off like a flat mask, and what remains gradually coincides with me. Although it seems hazy and ethereal, it becomes real.
这无论对于独处，还是对于写作，都是必要的心理环境。This is the necessary psychological environment, whether for being alone or for writing.
我的第一位堂兄出生时，有位粗通阴阳的亲戚算得这一年五行缺铁，所以史家这一辈男性的名中都跟着有了一个铁字。When my first cousin was born, a relative who had a smattering of knowledge about yin and yang calculated that there was a lack of iron in the five elements of that year. So all the male names in the Shi family of this generation had the character "tie" (iron) in them.
堂兄弟们现在都活得健康，惟我七病八歪终于还是缺铁，每日口服针注，勉强保持住铁的入耗平衡。All my cousins are living healthy lives now. Only I, riddled with illnesses, am still lacking in iron. I have to take oral medications and injections every day to barely maintain the balance between iron intake and consumption.
好在“铁”之后父母为我选择了“生”字，当初一定也未经意，现在看看倒像是我屡病不死的保佑。Fortunately, after the character "tie", my parents chose the character "sheng" (life) for me. They surely didn't give it much thought back then, but looking at it now, it seems like a blessing for me to survive all those illnesses.
此名俗极，全中国的“铁生”怕没有几十万？笔墨谋生之后，有了再取个雅名的机会，但想想，单一副雅皮倒怕不伦不类，内里是什么终归还是什么，多一事不如少一事。This name is extremely common. There must be hundreds of thousands of "Tiesheng" in the whole of China. After making a living by writing, I had the opportunity to choose a more elegant name, but on second thought, having just an elegant appearance might seem out of place. What's inside is what it is, and it's better to leave things as they are.
有个老同学对我说过：初闻此名未见此人时，料“铁生”者必赤膊秃头。我问他可曾认得一个这样的铁生？不，他说这想像毫无根据煞是离奇。An old classmate once said to me: When I first heard this name before seeing the person, I expected that "Tiesheng" must be a bald and shirtless guy. I asked him if he had ever known such a Tiesheng. No, he said that this imagination was baseless and quite strange.
我却明白：赤膊秃头是粗鲁和愚顽常有的形象。我当时心就一惊：至少让他说对一半！粗鲁若嫌不足，愚顽是一定不折不扣的。However, I understand: Being shirtless and bald is often the image associated with rudeness and stupidity. My heart skipped a beat back then: At least he was half right! If rudeness wasn't enough, stupidity was definitely spot-on.
一惊之时尚在年少，不敢说已有自知之明，但潜意识不受束缚，一针见血什么都看得清楚。When I was startled like that, I was still young. I wouldn't say I had self-awareness, but my subconscious was unrestrained and could see things clearly and to the point.
铁，一种浑然未炼之物，隔了48年回头看去，这铁生真是把人性中可能的愚顽都备齐了来的，贪、嗔、痴一样不少，骨子里的蛮横并怯懦，好虚荣，要面子，以及不懂装懂，因而有时就难免狡猾，如是之类随便点上几样不怕他会没有。Iron, an unrefined substance. Looking back after 48 years, this Shi Tiesheng really has all the possible stupidity in human nature. Greed, anger, and delusion are all there, along with the underlying arrogance and cowardice, vanity, concern for face, and pretending to understand when one doesn't, so sometimes it's inevitable to be a bit sly. Just mention a few of these and you won't find him lacking in any.
不过这一个铁生，最根本的性质我看是两条，一为自卑（怕），二为欲念横生（要）。谁先谁后似不分明，细想，还是要在前面，要而惟恐不得，怕便深重。However, for this Shi Tiesheng, I think there are two fundamental traits. One is inferiority complex (fear), and the other is rampant desires (wanting). It's not clear which came first. On closer thought, wanting is probably in the front. Wanting something but fearing not getting it makes the fear even deeper.
譬如，想得到某女之青睐，却担心没有相应的本事，自卑即从中来。当然，此一铁生并不早熟到一落生就专注了异性，但确乎一睁眼就看见了异己。For example, wanting to win the favor of a certain woman but worrying about not having the corresponding abilities, and the inferiority complex arises from that. Of course, this Shi Tiesheng wasn't precocious enough to focus on the opposite sex as soon as he was born, but indeed, as soon as he opened his eyes, he saw the "others".
他想要一棵树的影子，要不到手。他想要母亲永不离开，却遭到断喝。他希望众人都对他喝彩，但众人视他为一粒尘埃。我看着史铁生幼时的照片，常于心底酿出一股冷笑：将来有他的罪受。He wanted the shadow of a tree but couldn't get it. He wanted his mother to never leave but was sternly rebuked. He hoped everyone would cheer for him, but everyone regarded him as a speck of dust. Looking at Shi Tiesheng's childhood photos, I often feel a sneer welling up in my heart: He'll have his troubles in the future.
说真的他不能算笨，有着上等的理解力和下等的记忆力（评价电脑的优劣通常也是看这两项指标），这样综合起来，他的智商正是中等——我保证没有低估，也不想夸大。To be honest, he can't be considered stupid. He has excellent comprehension ability and a poor memory (these are usually the two indicators for evaluating the merits of a computer). Taken together, his IQ is just average - I guarantee there's no underestimation or overexaggeration.
记忆力低下可能与他是喝豆浆而非喝牛奶长大的有关。我小时候不仅喝不起很多牛奶，而且不爱喝牛奶，牛奶好不容易买回来了可我偏要喝豆浆。The poor memory might be related to the fact that I grew up drinking soy milk instead of milk. When I was a child, not only could I not afford much milk, but I also didn't like milk. When the milk was finally bought back, I insisted on drinking soy milk.
买豆浆的是个麻子老头，他表示过喜欢我。倘所有的孩子都像我一样爱喝豆浆，我想那老头一定更要喜欢。The person who sold soy milk was an old man with pockmarks. He showed that he liked me. If all the children liked drinking soy milk like I did, I think that old man would have liked them even more.
说不定记忆力不好的孩子长大了适合写一点小说和散文之类。倒不是说他一定就写得好，而是说，干别的大半更糟。Perhaps children with poor memories are suitable for writing novels and prose when they grow up. It's not to say that they will definitely write well, but rather that doing other things would probably be worse.
记忆力不好的孩子偏要学数学，学化学，学外语，肯定是自找没趣，这跟偏要喝豆浆不一样。Children with poor memories who insist on learning mathematics, chemistry, and foreign languages are surely asking for trouble, which is different from insisting on drinking soy milk.
幸好，写小说写散文并不严格地要求记忆，记忆模糊倒赢得印象、气氛、直觉、梦想和寻觅，于是乎利于虚构，利于神游，缺点是也利于胡说白道。Fortunately, writing novels and prose doesn't strictly require a good memory. A fuzzy memory actually helps to capture impressions, atmospheres, intuitions, dreams, and the pursuit of things, thus being conducive to fictional creation and mental wandering. The drawback is that it's also conducive to talking nonsense.
