四十三
自卑，历来送给人间两样东西：爱的期盼，与怨愤的积累。Inferiority complex has always given the world two things: the expectation of love and the accumulation of resentment.
我想，画家Ｚ曾经得到的是后一种。我呢？我之所以能够想像他，想像他就是在那次回家的路上走进了怨愤，料必因为Ｚ是我的一部分，至少曾经是这样。I think that painter Z once got the latter. What about me? I can imagine him, imagining that he walked into resentment on his way home, presumably because Z was a part of me, at least once.
要征服那冷淡，要以某种姿态抵挡乃至压倒那冷淡的威胁，自卑于是积累起怨愤，怨愤再加倍地繁衍自卑——这就是画家Ｚ。To conquer that indifference, to resist and even overwhelm the threat of that indifference with a certain posture, self-abasement then accumulates resentment, which multiplies self-abasement again and again - this is the painter Z.
相反，若是梦想着世间不再有那样的冷淡，梦想着，被那冷淡雕铸的怨愤终于消散，所有失望过和傲慢过的心灵都能够相互贴近，那就是爱的期盼。On the contrary, if you dream of a world without such indifference, and of the resentment carved by that indifference finally dissipating, and of all hearts that have been disappointed and arrogant being able to draw close to each other, that is the hope of love.
甚至纯真的心从不多看那冷淡一眼，惟热盼着与另外的心灵沟通，不屈不挠地等待。走遍一生去寻找，那就是爱的路程。Even the innocent heart never looks at that cold glance, but eagerly hopes to communicate with other hearts and waits indefatigably. To travel through life to find it is the journey of love.
在《务虚笔记》中，我借助诗人Ｌ、女教师Ｏ和Ｆ医生的身影，走进这样的梦想，借助于对他们的理解看见了我的另一种心情。In "Retreat Notes", I used the figures of poet L, female teacher O, and doctor F to enter into such a dream, and through their understanding, I saw another kind of mood.
这两种心情似乎都是与生俱来，盘根错节同时都在我心里，此起彼伏，铺设成我的心路。别人也都是这样吗？我只知道，兼具这两种心情的我才是真实的我。Both of these emotions seem to be innate, intertwined and present in my heart, rising and falling, laying the foundation for my journey. Are others also like this? I only know that I am the real me when I have both of these feelings.
我站在Ｚ的脚印上，翘望Ｌ、Ｏ和Ｆ的方向。我体会着Ｚ的自卑，而神往于Ｌ、Ｏ和Ｆ痴心不改的步伐。而且，越是Ｚ的消息沉重，越是Ｌ、Ｏ和Ｆ的消息明媚动人。I stood on Z's footprint and looked up in the direction of L, O, and F. I felt Z's inferiority complex, and was fascinated by the unchanging pace of L, O, and F. Moreover, the more serious the news of Z is, the more beautiful and touching the news of L, O and F is.
我知道了，爱原就是自卑弃暗投明的时刻。自卑，或者在自卑的洞穴里步步深陷，或者转身，在爱的路途上迎候解放。I know that love is the moment when we abandon the dark and embrace the light. Low self-esteem, or deepening in the cave of low self-esteem, or turning around and waiting for liberation on the road of love.
四十四
不过自卑，也许开始得还要早些。开始于你第一次走出家门的时候。开始于你第一次步入人群，分辨出了自己和别人的时候。开始于你离开母亲的偏袒和保护，独自面对他者的时候。But inferiority may start earlier. It begins when you first step out of your home. It begins when you first step into a crowd and distinguish yourself from others. It begins when you leave your mother's favor and protection and face others alone.
开始于这样的时候：你的意识醒来了，看见自己被局限在一个小小的躯体中，而在自己之外世界是如此巨大，人群是如此庞杂，自己仿佛囚徒。It begins when you wake up and see yourself confined in a small body, while the world outside is so vast and the crowd is so diverse, making you feel like a prisoner.
开始于这样的时候：在这纷纭的人间，自己简直无足轻重，而这一切纷纭又都在你的欲望里，自己二字是如此地不可逃脱，不能轻弃。It begins when you feel that you are insignificant in this chaotic world, and that all of this chaos is in your desires. The word 'self' is so inescapable and cannot be lightly discarded.
开始于这样的时候：你想走出这小小躯体的囚禁，走向别人，盼望着生命在那儿得到回应，心魂从那儿联接进无比巨大的存在，无限的时间因而不再是无限的冷漠……但是，别人也有这样的愿望么？It begins when you want to step out of the prison of this small body and move towards others, hoping that life will be answered there, and that your soul will connect with an infinitely greater existence, so that infinite time is no longer an infinite indifference... But does anyone else have this desire?
在墙壁的那边，在表情后面，在语言深处，别人，到底都是什么？对此你毫无把握。Beyond the wall, behind the expression, in the depths of language, what are others, after all? You are not sure about it.
但囚徒们并不见得都想越狱出监，囚徒中也会有告密者，轻蔑、猜疑和误解加固着牢笼的坚壁，你热烈的心愿前途未卜，而一旦这心愿陷落，生命将是多么孤苦无望，多么索然无味，荒诞不经。However, not all prisoners want to escape from prison. There are also informers among them. Contempt, suspicion, and misunderstanding reinforce the walls of the prison. Your passionate wish is uncertain, and once this wish falls, life will be so lonely and hopeless, so dull and absurd.
我能记起很多次这样的经历。从幼年一直到现在，我有过很多次失望——可能我也让别人有过这类失望——很多次深刻的失望其实都可以叫做失恋，无论性别，因为在那之前的热盼正都是爱的情感：等待着他人的到来，等待着另外的心魂，等待着自由的团聚。I can remember many such experiences. From my childhood to the present, I have experienced many disappointments - perhaps I have also caused others to experience such disappointments - many profound disappointments can actually be called love disappointment, regardless of gender, because the longing before that was all about love emotions: waiting for the arrival of others, waiting for another soul, waiting for a free reunion.
虽因年幼，这热盼曾经懵然不知何明名，但当有一天，爱的消息传来，我立刻认出那就是它，毫无疑问一直都是它。Although I was too young to know the name of this longing, when the news of love came one day, I immediately recognized it as it had always been.
四十五
爱这个字，颇多歧义。母爱、父爱等等，说的多半是爱护。“爱牙日”也是说爱护。爱长辈，说的是尊敬，或者还有一点威吓之下的屈从。爱百姓，还是爱护，这算好的，不好时里面的意思就多了。The word love has many meanings. Motherly love, fatherly love, and so on, mostly refer to care and protection. "Love Teeth Day" also means to cherish and care for teeth. Loving elders means respect, or a little bit of subjugation under intimidation. It is good to love the people or to cherish them, but when things are not going well, there are many other meanings.
爱哭，爱睡，爱流鼻涕，是说容易、控制不住。爱玩，爱笑，爱桑拿，爱汽车，说的是喜欢。“爱怎么着就怎么着”，是想的意思，随便你。“你爱死不死”，也是说请便，不过已经是恨了。Crying, sleeping, and snivelling are easy to say but difficult to control. Love to play, love to laugh, love to take a sauna, love cars, it means like. "Love how you want to do it", it means whatever you want. "You can die if you want to", it also means "please go ahead", but it's already a hate.
爱，与喜欢混淆得最严重。“我爱你”，可能是表达着一次真正的爱情，也可能只是好色之徒的口头禅，还可能是各有所图的一回交易。喜欢，好东西谁不喜欢？快乐的事谁不喜欢？没有理由谴责喜欢，但喜欢与爱的情感不同。Love is most confused with like. "I love you" may express a true love, or it may just be a pet phrase of a lecher, or it may be a transaction with different intentions. Yes, who doesn't like good things? Who doesn't like happy things? There is no reason to condemn liking, but liking is different from the emotion of love.
爱的情感包括喜欢，包括爱护、尊敬和控制不住，除此之外还有最紧要的一项：敞开。互相敞开心魂，为爱所独具。The emotion of love includes liking, including caring, respecting, and being unable to control, in addition to the most important one: openness. Open your hearts and souls to each other, unique for love.
这样的敞开，并不以性别为牵制，所谓推心置腹，所谓知己，所谓同心携手，是同性之间和异性之间都有的期待，是孤独的个人天定的倾向，是纷纭的人间贯穿始终的诱惑。Such openness is not constrained by gender. The so-called confiding, the so-called confidant, the so-called hand in hand, are expectations between same-sex and opposite-sex people. It is the natural tendency of lonely individuals and the temptation that runs through the world.
