当你被惹恼时该怎么办？——赛斯对于情绪处理的宝贵建议

■ 编译 | 宇婷

■ 朗读 | 安一

对于你的噪音事件，以下是一些建议，将来有任何令你恼怒的情境发生时都可以用。如果照做的话，这些建议会在你感到需要做出某些回应的时候，帮助你应对他人强加于你的要求。当你被惹恼时，如果可能的话，向当事人合理地说明你的愤怒，但要在气恼的当时就表达。当你没有以这种方式回应时，怒火就会累积起来，然后你会忍不住对一件事情做出反应，就好像其中涉及了很多件事一样，因为其他那些事在当时没有得到充分的回应。

比如，在这个案例里，当你被惹恼时，当时就应该给你的邻居打电话。那将是一个健康、合理的反应。如果每次在这种情况下你都及时反应，令你恼火的情形就不会继续。即使它继续发生，你也有理由采取更强有力的措施。

在你这方面，你也不愿意以正常自然的方式对恼怒做出反应，这就是为什么状况会愈演愈烈。你不做反应，就给了邻居进一步行动的许可。通过正常的反应，你确实将教会她尊重别人，而她会觉得你的反应很合理。

你的恼怒本可以被理解，而且会合理反映你受干扰的程度。当你不以这种方式行事时，怨恨会越积越多，而且一般来说，你并不是在帮助其他当事人。你最终可能会通过突然爆发的压抑反应而伤害他们。

当在情绪上的反应看起来超出一件事应得的程度时，通常是因为过去对同类事件的反应不足。我现在说的是合理反应。我并不是说，每次有点儿不高兴就大发雷霆。比如说，暴力就是这种压抑的结果。

你理解年轻的邻居精力旺盛。你只是不希望她以损害你为代价来消耗精力。她不知道在哪里划定界限才是为了她好。如果有她尊敬的人帮她划出一条适当的行为界限，她会相当满意。有一段时间，她一度期待你们两人能这样做。

当你没有坚定而充分地表达你的不满时，她就动摇了。她对自己的行为不满意，但当时需要你的责备所提供的支持，这种支持现在仍然可以提供。

开启一个合理、充分的反应程序，以应对令人恼火的外界刺激，是防止过度反应和压抑的最佳预防措施。

总是问一问自己：“我是否只是对当前事件做出反应，就像我应该做的那样，还是我在对当前事件以及过去五件我没有反应的事做出反应？”很快你就会发现自己对当前事件能做出适当的反应，并将摆脱旧习惯。

且说，这些习惯可不只是你一个人的。虽然我用的是眼前这个例子，但它具有普遍意义。当你被惹恼时，你的神经系统就做好了行动的准备。让你的神经系统自然地运作，你可以信赖它自发的反应。这种反应会是恰当的。只有当你用此类压抑行为使神经系统超载时，它才会看似对一件事开启一系列的过度反应。

那么，在一段时期内，你必须密切观察自己的反应，确保你只对当前的情境做出反应。很快，神经系统会自动开始适应正常的行为，而反应过程又会变得自动自然。同样重要的是，只要有可能的话，当你感到被惹恼时就做出反应，而不是推迟行动。这样，你的系统就会得到清理。在你刚开始学习的时候，你可能会发现自己一开始反应过激，这只是因为过往压抑、积累而未被察觉的负荷导致的。

那么，这适用于你，适用于鲁柏，也适用于你们所有的反应。这是情感生物自发的天性，它能释放自己，打开创造力的通道。当你感到高兴、快乐或有愉快的评论时，也应该在当时、在那种情绪满满的状态下表达出来，因为这样的表达能满足并愉悦你自己的神经系统，也能愉悦他人。这些事情也不该被推迟。

这样，神经系统就会乐享自己的自发表达，会变得灵活，因而更加包容。那么，推迟反应可能会导致一种拒绝模式，因为你在拒绝自己情绪的表达。再说一次，这并不仅仅适用于你个人。

你在噪音问题上与自己进行了一场战斗，而比起睡眠不足，这种心理斗争让你更需要睡眠来恢复精神。

有一点需要强调：你的不满要直接对邻居表达，而且要由你本人表达，这是极其重要的。鲁柏可以参与，但重要的是你要亲自表达这种愤怒，并在这样做的过程中感受愤怒的释放。

只要有可能，这类反应都应该由当事人直接向引起不快的人表达出来，不管采取什么具体步骤。否则，自己多少会觉得受到了欺骗。此外，采用这样的表达，就有了与冒犯者的直接关联，这种关联能给双方带来更深的谅解，而不如此做，就可能无法达成这种谅解。这种互动对双方都很重要。

对于你如此恼火的情绪反应，你的邻居在显意识层面上并不知情。因为你过去没有做出充分的反应，所以你把负面态度投射转移到她身上。如果你自始至终按照你的方案来处理此事，她会感觉受到了沉重的打击。她正在寻找方向。

我在这里给出的建议对你个人来说可能具有极大的实用性。我正在努力帮助你们两个理清思路，但这份针对你的资料仍然可以有极大的普遍用途。鲁柏可以诠释这资料以帮助他人。

📒赛斯私人课 | 格兰笔记索引

📒与其对抗噪音，不如为己所用——赛斯谈罗的耳疾

📒你真的想听吗？！——赛斯给一位听力损伤者的建议（下）

📒你需要一条泄愤的鱼吗？

SESSION 477 (DELETED)

APRIL 21, 1969 9:55 PM MONDAY

Now as to your noise episode, here are some suggestions for future use in any episode where irritation is involved. Followed, these suggestions will help you answer the demands put upon you when you feel the need for certain responses. When you are annoyed, if possible state your annoyance to the person involved, reasonably, (underlined) but at the time of the annoyance. When you do not respond in this manner the annoyance builds up and you are then tempted to respond to one incident as if many were involved, because the others were not responded to adequately at the time.

In the particular case for example you should have called your neighbor while you were being annoyed. That would be a healthy and reasonable response. Had this happened in each such case the annoyance would not have continued. Even if it had, you would then be justified in taking more firm steps.

On your part also then there was a reluctance to react to annoyance in a normal natural manner, and this is why the situation built up. By not reacting you gave your neighbor the license to further activity. By reacting normally you would indeed teach her respect for the regards of others, and she would have felt your reaction quite justified.

Your irritation would have been understandable and in proper proportion to the annoyance. When you do not behave in such a manner, bitterness piles up, and generally speaking you are not helping the other person involved. You may end up doing them harm through repressed reactions that suddenly explode.

When reactions seem emotionally out of proportion to one event then it is usually because of inadequate reactions to the same kind of event in the past. I am speaking now of reasonable reactions. I am not speaking of flying off the handle, say, at each small upset. Violence for example is the result of such repression.

...

You understand the abundance of energy possessed by your young neighbor. You simply do not want it expended at your expense. She does not know where to draw the line for her own good. She will be quite satisfied if someone she respects helps her draw a line of adequate behavior. She expected this from both of you for some time.

When you did not firmly or adequately express your displeasure then she wavered. She was not pleased with her own behavior, yet needed support that your reprimand would have provided, and can still provide.

...

Now. To begin a program of reasonable adequate response, to annoying stimuli, is your best insurance against overreaction and repression.

Always ask yourself “Am I reacting to this present event only, as I should, or am I reacting to this event and five others in the past to which I did not react?” Soon you will find yourself with responses in proportion to present events, and will be free from old habits.

Now these are hardly your habits alone. I am using the present case but it has general implications. Your nervous system is prepared to act when you are annoyed. Left alone and operating naturally, you can trust its spontaneous response. It will be in proportion. It is only when you overload the nervous system by such repressed action that it then begins a cycle of overreaction to what seems to be one event.

For a while then you must closely watch your reactions by making sure that you are only reacting to a present episode. Soon automatically the system becomes adjusted to normal action, and the process becomes automatic again. It is also important to react when you feel an annoyance, rather than postpone action, whenever this is possible. Your system is cleared. When you are beginning to learn you may find yourself overreacting initially, simply because of the accumulated, unrecognized charge of past repression.

This applies to you then in your way, as well as to Ruburt in his way. It also applies to all of your reactions. It is the spontaneous nature of emotional creatures, and it frees the self and opens the channels of creativity. When you are pleased or joyful or have a pleasant comment, then these should also be expressed at the time, and in the fullness of those emotions, for such expression satisfies and pleases your own system, and also pleases others.These things should not be postponed either.

The system then enjoys its own spontaneous expression, and is flexible and therefore more receptive. Postponement of reaction can then lead to a pattern of rejection, for you are rejecting the expression of your own emotions. Again, this does not apply only to you personally.

You fought a battle with yourself however over the noise issue, and this more than the lack of sleep leaves you in need, now, of that refreshment that sleep can bring.

One note. It is extremely important that your dissatisfaction be expressed to your neighbor, and by you. Ruburt may join in, but it is important that you personally express this irritation, and feel its release for yourself in so doing.

Whenever possible such reactions should always be expressed directly by the person involved to the person who causes the irritation, regardless of whatever steps may be taken. The self feels cheated otherwise to some extent. Also with such expression there is a direct involvement with the offender, and such involvement can lead to greater understanding on both parts that otherwise might not result. The interaction is important to both parties.

Your neighbor has no real conscious knowledge of the nature of your emotional reaction. You projected negative attitudes upon her because you had not reacted adequately in the past. She would feel hit by a sledge hammer if you followed through on your plan. She is looking for direction.

The suggestions I have given you here can be of great practical use to you personally. I am trying to get you both straightened out, but this material, directed to you, can still be of great general use. Ruburt can interpret it for the help of others. 

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