Dear Teensplainer: Help! 亲爱的青少年解惑者: 帮帮我！

文摘 2024-12-12 17:00 上海

《〈《向左滑动阅读中文版本

Editor's note:

I love reading advice columns.

One of my favourite books is “Tiny Beautiful Things” by Cheryl Strayed, who wrote her anonymous "Dear Sugar" advice column for the Huffington Post, which was adored by millions.

Source: cherylstrayed.com

I think the best person to ask for advice is a teenager.

Teens serve you the truth without hesitation or filter. Sometimes, that’s the fast pass to healing.

Let me introduce our “Dear Teensplainer”, who will be our Parents & Kids monthly advice almost guru.

Ask away - details below!

eve wee-ang

Dear Teensplainer,

I have a 13-year-old and a 15-year-old who are addicted to social media!

I've tried numerous strategies to reduce screen time and recently confiscated their phones.

However, this only seemed to create a bigger divide between us.

I feel like the algorithm is raising my kids…

At this point, I realize it's impossible to get them off social media completely (oh, how I wish).

So, how do I encourage my kids to use social media more healthily and responsibly?

Thanks!

- Pseudonym

Hi Pseudonym,

Your question hit close to home.

It was already home, nestled between me, my mom, and the seventh Screentime alert of the day I had just dismissed on my phone.

So when I answer, I speak from the experience of screamed arguments and silent treatments, as well as heart-to-hearts and what has worked with me and my mom.

Something I can tell you from the get-go is that your kids know.

They know they spend a lot of time on their phones, and it’s not good for them.

But having the alternative be the face of a grumpy parent is no fun, either.

It’s easy to feel as if social media is the barrier between you and your children, an enemy that holds them in its grasp.

But if your kids find joy and solace in social media, treating it as an enemy will inevitably make you the villain of that joy- no matter how well-intentioned.

Social media, indeed, has features designed to suck you in and stir discord.

But at their core, TikTok, X, Instagram, Channels—you name it—are nothing without the connections they foster.

So crawl into the space with them and sort through the barrage of content together.

Send them that relatable video that made you giggle.

Try to understand the videos they send back or ask them what’s so funny occasionally—not to get them in trouble, but to share in their joy.

If they can’t put their phone down because they’re chatting with a friend, what’s the conversation about?

If there’s a new slang word they’re saying often, search it up.

And if something they’re consuming isn’t appropriate, talk to them about it.

How is it impacting them?

Do they agree?

Why?

Is that an influence they feel comfortable accepting?

There’s often more going on, and understanding is the first step towards action.

Of course, the goal is to reduce screen time and ensure your kids can have real-life relationships and interactions.

As tempting as it is to rip the phone away in a grand show of frustration (a move I’m sure all parents have used), the modern miracle of logins often foils enforced cold-turkey treatment.

Besides, as Pavlov so helpfully demonstrated decades ago, it’s all about reinforcement, and snatching the phone away brings the message that screenlessness is accompanied by tension and anger.

Instead, set aside time to live in the moment and bond offscreen.

Whether it’s a determined time or flexible, have a weekly family dinner where everyone (and that means everyone, including you) puts their phones down and chats.

If not that, then watch a show together, go to a museum, or play a board game.

Make it a tradition.

Let them see that being phoneless isn’t a punishment but another fun way to bond.

Maybe you’ll find yourself reaching for your phone more than you’d think.

Before you know it, they’ll remind you, too.

Take that, Mom!

- the teensplainer

The Teensplainer explains‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

Advice, in all its costumes, comes to us naturally as breathing.

From long rants to friends, Instagram polls about our next hairstyle, Quora forums, and the “What should I get for lunch?” every day, we reach our hands out for guidance and wisdom.

I believe that is increasingly needed in an era where the phrase “unprecedented times” permeates all we do.

We came to age amid a global pandemic, spending our formative years learning socialization through a screen.

We’re the first generation to have grown up with access to the Internet, and our parents were the first to tell their babies, “No more iPad time.”

Millennials are coming to terms with a world nothing like what they were promised, while online daily battles erupt over beauty standards and microaggressions, AI and sexual identity.

Not many advice columns are run by a Gen-Z sixteen-year-old teen girl in an international school in Shanghai.

I can’t promise to know everything.

But I promise to listen, empathize, and do my best to illuminate the way. After all, these times may be unprecedented, but they’re also the times I grew up in.

Consider this an outstretched hand from a local.

Scan to send me your anonymous question.

PARENTS & KIDS

FRESH DROPS EVERY THURSDAY

Chinese translation & Layout: Yan Yan

Proofread: Darias Fang

‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

编辑寄语：

我喜欢看读者问答专栏。

我最喜欢的书之一是谢丽尔·斯特雷德（Cheryl Strayed）所著的《最美丽的小事》（Tiny Beautiful Things），她曾为《赫芬顿邮报》撰写读者匿名问答专栏《Dear Sugar》，受到了数百万人的喜爱。

来源：cherylstrayed.com

我认为寻求建议的最佳人选是青少年。

青少年会毫不犹豫、并且毫无保留地告诉你真相。有时候，这是治愈的捷径，也是最靠近真相的时刻。

让我来介绍一下我们的“亲爱的青少年解惑者”，其将成为我们 Parents & Kids 月刊的建议专家。

尽情提问吧——详情如下！

汪黄美玲

亲爱的青少年解惑者，

我有一个13岁和一个15岁的孩子，他们长期沉迷于社交媒体！

我试过很多办法来减少他们玩电子设备的时间，直到最近将他们的手机没收。

然而，我做的这一切，似乎只是让我与孩子之间的隔阂变得越来越大。

我感觉好像是算法在养育我的孩子……

到了这个地步，我已经意识到要让他们完全远离社交媒体是不可能的了（唉，我多么希望能做到啊）。

那么，我该如何教导我的孩子更健康、更负责任地使用社交媒体呢？

谢谢！

——匿名

嗨，匿名，

你的问题说到我心坎里了。

这件事它已然像是家常便饭了，这种情况就发生在我和我妈妈之间，我刚在手机上关掉当天第七个屏幕使用时间提醒。

所以当我回答的时候，我是基于那些大喊大叫的争吵、冷战，以及推心置腹的交流，还有那些在我和我妈妈之间行之有效的经验来说的。

首先我可以告诉你的是，你的孩子们心里是明白的。

他们知道自己花了很多时间在手机上，而且也明白这对他们没好处。

但要是取代手机的是一张父母生气的脸，那也没意思。

很容易觉得社交媒体就是你和孩子之间的障碍，是一个将他们牢牢掌控的敌人。

但如果你的孩子能从社交媒体中获得快乐和慰藉，把它当作敌人看待必然会让你成为他们快乐的破坏者——不管你的出发点有多好。

社交媒体确实有一些旨在吸引人并制造纷争的内容。

但从本质上来说，抖音、推特、Instagram、还有凡是你能说得出的各类平台——要是没有它们所促进的社交联系，就什么都不是了。

所以，和他们一起进入那个社交媒体的空间，和孩子一起梳理纷繁复杂的内容吧。

给他们发送那个让你发笑有意思的视频。试着去理解他们回发给你的视频，或者偶尔问问他们什么地方这么好笑——不是为了找他们麻烦，而是为了分享他们的快乐。

如果他们因为在和朋友聊天而放不下手机，那聊的是什么内容呢？

如果他们经常说一个新的网络词语，那就去查一查它的意思。

如果他们浏览的某些内容不合适，那就和他们谈谈这件事。

这对他们有什么影响？

他们认同这种影响吗？

为什么？

那是一种他们乐意接受的影响吗？

通常情况背后还有更多隐情，而理解是采取行动的第一步。

当然，我们的目标是减少屏幕使用时间，确保你的孩子能拥有现实生活中的人际关系和互动。

尽管在情绪极度低落沮丧之际，一气之下直接夺过孩子手机的做法颇具诱惑（我深信所有家长都曾有过这般冲动），但在当今时代，登录账号轻而易举，这一便利性往往会让强行戒断的做法行不通。

并且，像巴甫洛夫在几十年前有效证实的那样，问题的关键在于强化。把手机夺走会传递出这样的信息：没有手机就会有紧张和愤怒。这会让孩子觉得不使用手机就会产生不好的情绪，不利于帮助孩子正确对待手机。

相反，留出时间活在当下，在屏幕外建立亲密关系。

不管是固定时间还是灵活安排，每周来一次家庭聚餐，每个人（这意味着包括你在内的所有人）都放下手机聊天。

如果不聚餐，那就一起看个节目，去博物馆逛逛，或者玩一盘桌游。

把这变成一种惯例。

让他们明白，不碰手机不是一种惩罚，而是另一种增进感情的有趣方式。

也许你会发现自己比想象中更想拿手机呢。

不知不觉中，他们也会提醒你哦。

哼，妈妈！

——青少年解惑者

青少年解惑者的解释

建议，无论以何种形式出现，对我们来说就像呼吸一样自然。

从对朋友的长篇大论，到在照片墙上发起关于下一个发型的投票，再到在 Quora 的论坛上提问，以及每天纠结“我午餐该吃什么？”，我们总是在寻求指引和智慧。

我认为在这个“前所未有的时代”这一说法充斥着我们生活方方面面的时代，这种需求日益增长。

我们成长于全球疫情期间，在塑造性格的年岁里通过屏幕学习和社交。

我们是第一代伴随着互联网长大的人，而我们的父母是第一批对自己的孩子说“不许再玩iPad了”的人。

千禧一代正在接受一个与他们曾经所期望的截然不同的世界，与此同时，关于审美标准、微侵犯、人工智能以及性认同的网络日常争论不断爆发。

并没有多少问答专栏是由一个在上海国际学校上学的16岁Z世代少女来运营的。

我不能保证无所不知。

但我保证会倾听、共情，并尽我最大的努力照亮前行的道路。

毕竟，这个时代或许是前所未有的，但也是我成长于其中的时代。

把这当作来自本地人的援手吧。

扫码向我发送你的匿名问题。

PARENTS & KIDS

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中文翻译&排版: 燕燕‍‍

校对: 房佳妮

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