问题:一位门徒说她一直在重复她的人际关系模式：当我觉得我的需要没有被满足，我就开始谴责他，我真的觉得很痛苦，我觉得那是毁灭性的，但是我还是继续这样做。数百万的人都这样做，而那就是他们都很悲惨的原因。我们有一种错误的先入为主的观念，那就是别人是要来满足我们的需要的；那就是最基本的问题。别人不是要来满足你的需要的。如果他满足你的需要，要觉得很感激；如果他不满足你的需要，也不会有抱怨的问题。为什么他应该要满足你呢？他的人生是属于他的，你的人生是属于你的。他生在这个世上不是要满足你的需要。他必须过他自己的人生。如果他恰巧满足了你的需要，要心怀感激；那是一种奇迹。那种事不需要发生却发生了——要心怀感激。但是当它没有发生的时候，也没什么好哭的。你必须了解这种事并没有发生的必要。但是我们只是继续做着相反的事情：当有人满足你的需要时你从来不会感激；你会视为理所当然。而当他不满足你的需要时你是愤怒的、暴力的、有毁灭性的。但是这些都是停留在地狱的模式。否则那只是一种简单的现象。那不是一种重复特定模式的问题；要看清根本的东西。模式并不是那么的重要。模式建立在一种特定的了解上，事实上，那是一种误解。我们以某种方式收集了这种想法；为什么这种事发生在每个人身上是有理由的。一个小孩出生；母亲对小孩照顾得无微不至，所有的需要都被满足了。小孩以为他有某种权威。自然的，他所有的需要都被满足了，所以他觉得整个存在都是为了满足他的需要而存在的。这种事会继续好几年：母亲总是在满足需要；父亲总是会在，而每个人都在照顾这个小孩。他们必须照顾他，因为小孩是如此的无助，要不然小孩会死掉！但是小孩学到了一种诡计——一种非常危险的诡计，那会让他一直是悲惨的。他正在学习一种策略：慢慢的这种观念会进入他的心中，他是如此的特别，所以每个人都必须照顾他。如果他们照顾他，那就很好。甚至没有必要说谢谢；事情本来就应该如此。如果他们不照顾他的话，那么小孩就会大发脾气。他会大哭大叫、摔东西，然后强迫他们照他的欲望去做。你的父母是你的父母，但这个世界并不是你的父母。当你进入了世界时你会爱上一个男人，他不是你的父亲，你也不是他的母亲。你必须看出他是一个陌生人，你也是陌生人。事实上只是神的恩惠使你们相遇。要尽可能的让彼此的生命快乐，但是不要创造出任何的期待。期待是会杀人的——它会杀死所有的喜悦与爱。不要期待任何事！你怎么能够对陌生人有所期待呢？只是因为你与他一起生活了几天，你就能够对他有所期待吗？陌生人就是陌生人，不论你与他一起生活了几分钟、几小时、几天或几年，那都没有什么不同。那只是时间的问题。时间怎么能造成不同呢？——陌生人就是陌生人。如果他为你做了某件事，要心怀感激；如果他没有做，那也很好。不要开始吵架！否则，迟早他会逃跑，除非他是一个受虐狂。如果他想要被你虐待，那就很好，他会留在你身边；否则他是不会的。一个健康的人会逃跑。我的观察是，许多人继续依附于彼此是因为他们不快乐。那是一种神经病；那是不健康的。如果世界变得更健康一点、更清醒一点，人们就不会依附别人了。人们会发生关连，但是不会有关系存在。发生关连是很美的；创造人际关系是丑陋的，因为随着人际关系而来的是各式各样的期待。当你发生关连时，就没有问题存在了。你在火车上遇到一个陌生人，然后你们开始聊天——那就是发生关连。你甚至可以与陌生人做爱，但是那是发生关连。你甚至不知道他的名字，你不知道他要去哪里、他是谁。在半夜他会在某个车站下车。你也许永远不会再见到他了，但是那些时刻是很美的，而那些记忆也会持续下去，因为其中并没有期待，什么也没有。只是不知从何处而来的两个人彼此靠近了，然后他们走自己的路，不为对方创造束缚。事实上，即使你和一个人在一起生活了好几年，也应该是这个样子。保持警觉，并且让每一刻都是新鲜的。必须改变的是你——不是模式；你必须从根本做改变。你已经有好几次试着去改变模式，而模式却没有改变，因为根本的东西还是一样。如果你认为根本的东西是对的，那么它就不会改变。你必须挖得很深，然后把老旧的根本完全丢出去。那么就不会有模式、不会有重复。爱是一种礼物：如果它发生了，要心怀感激；如果它不发生，它就是不发生而已。关于它你没什么事可做。A sannyasin says that she keeps repeating her patterns in relationships: When I feel my needs are not getting met, I start to blame him and I feel really bitter and I feel that it's destructive but I just keep doing it.It is being done by millions of people and that's why they are all miserable. We have a very wrong a priori idea that the other is there to fulfill our needs; that is the basic problem. The other is not there to fulfill your needs. If he does, feel grateful; if he does not, there is no question of complaint. Why should he?His life is his, your life is yours. He is notborn in the world just to fulfill your needs. He has to live his life. If bychance he is fulfilling your needs, feel grateful; that is a miracle. It neednot have happened but it is happening -- feel grateful. But when it doesn'thappen, there is nothing to cry about. It has to be understood that there is noneed for it to happen. But we go on doing just the opposite: when somebody fulfillsyour needs you never feel grateful; you take it for granted. And when he doesnot fulfill your need you are angry, you are violent, you are destructive.But these are the patterns of remaining in hell.If you choose to remain there, then that is your life!If you want to remain inhell, remain in hell. Otherwise it is a simple phenomenon It is not a questionof repeating a certain pattern; it is seeing the foundation. The pattern is notso important. The pattern is based on a certain understanding, really, amisunderstanding.Somehow we have gathered this idea; and there is a reason why it has happened to everybody. A child is born; the mother takes every care of the child, all needs are fulfilled. And the child thinks that he has some authority. Naturally, all his needs are fulfilled, so he takes it for granted that the whole existence exists just to fulfill his needs. For years it continues: the mother is always fulfilling the needs; the father is always there, and everybody takes care of the child. They have to take care because the child is so helpless, otherwise the child will die! But the child is learning a trick -- a very dangerous trick which will keep him always miserable. He is learning a strategy: slowly slowly the idea is settling in his heart that he is so special that everybody has to take care of him. If they take care of him, that's perfectly okay. There is no need even to say thank you; it's how things should be. And if they don't take care, then the child creates a tantrum. He cries and shouts and breaks things and forces them to follow his desires.But your parents are your parents and the whole world is not your parent. When you move in the world and you fall in love with a man, he is not your father, you are not his mother. You have to see that he is a stranger, you are a stranger. It is a really only by the grace of god that you have met. Make each other's life as happy as possible, but there is no possibility of creating an expectation.Expectations kill -- they can kill all joy and all love. Don't expect anything! How can you expect from a stranger? Just because you have lived with him for a few days, can you expect anything of him? The stranger is a stranger; whether you live with him for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days or a few years, it makes no difference. It is only a question of time. How can time make it different? -- a stranger is a stranger.And if he does something for you, feel grateful; if he does not, that's perfectly right. Don't start fighting! Otherwise, sooner or later he will escape, unless he himself is a kind of masochist. If he wants to be tortured by you, then it is perfectly good, he will remain with you; otherwise he will not. A healthy person will escape.My own observation is this, that so many people go on clinging to each other because they are unhappy. It is some kind of neurosis; it is not out of health. If the world becomes a little healthier, more psychologically sane, people will not cling. People will relate, but there will be no relationship. And to relate is beautiful; to create a relationship is ugly, because with relationships come all kinds of expectations. When you relate, there is no question.You meet a stranger in the train and you start talking -- that is relating. You can even make love to the stranger, but that is relating. You don't even know his name, you don't know where he is going, who he is. In the middle of the night he will get out of the train at some station. You may not meet him again, ever, but those moments were beautiful and that memory will persist because there was no expectation, nothing.It was just out of nowhere that two persons had come close and then went on their own ways, creating no bondage for each other. In fact, even if you live with a man for years together, this should remain the case. Keep alert and let each moment be new.You have to change -- not the pattern; you have to change the foundation. The pattern you have been trying to change many times, and it is not changing because the foundation remains the same. If you think the foundation is right, then it will not change. You have to dig deep and throw the old foundation completely out of your being. And then there will be no pattern, no repetition.Love is a gift: if it happens, feel grateful; if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Nothing can be done about it.Prabodh翻译👇延申阅读👇
@记住，你不能爱自己，是因为你一直谴责自己——是你的理想创造出你的悲惨，你有一个永远不能被满足的疯狂期待
❤️奥秘之书❤️
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