我从来没有认真谈过我的情绪问题，一方面是我一直舍不得钱去正规的机构来好好看一看了解了解，另一方面是我觉得自己还不至于严重到抑郁，好像只要不把它当回事就会慢慢好起来一样。
但事实却是，这两年我的心理问题越来越糟糕，糟糕到它影响了我生活的方方面面，我无法正常地往前走，我不断地逃避，不断地压抑，不断地隐藏，直到现实一次又一次地将我击垮。
我不想听到别人对我说“要坚强”，“想开点”，“积极一点”这类的话，你知道，当黑暗和绝望一点一点吞噬我的时候，我只是希望你们最好能闭嘴，我比谁都希望我能好起来，我比谁都希望我能正常地生活。但每次我以为我快要好起来的时候，那股深深的绝望感又找到我，将我拖入更深的深渊…
我不知道你的经历是什么样的，但今天我想尽力描述出自己沉溺在反复的抑郁情绪里的感受，如果你也经历过这些感受，我只是想让你知道，你并不是一个人在经历这一切，我们没有选择地来到这个世界，但我们有选择好好地活着。
I cry a lot these days, especially when I am alone. I cry over little things. There are random emotional triggers that make me spontaneously weep, then I lose my control and start to self-sabotage. I walked through every past situation where I feel ignored, rejected and unloved untill I was drown in my emotions and couldn’t get out of it.
I am easily overwhelmed. Some days I just get up, cook, eat, go to bed and that already feels like too much to me. I am not able to concentrate, to complete tasks and sometimes I can’t even get out of the bed. I can stay at home without talking to anybody for days, and when I finally push myself to go outside, I feel so utterly miserable and overloaded with panic. It’s tough to feel positive and motivated. Every time I try to be positive towards my life, the very next moment I fail. And again, I run all the way back to bury myself under my bedcovers.
I don’t know how to talk to people about my feelings. I really don’t know. (Am I just faking it for attention?) I keep all my feelings bottled up, squashed down in the deepest part of my brain and pretend everything is fine. And to be honest, I am fine when I switch out of depression. I’ve had good hours and good days but it’s still there and I can still feel it, it’s always there, like maggots crawling underneath my skin, chewing away at my insides, a constant reminder of my own failure to think, to act, to even exist like a normal, functioning human being.
I feel guilty of not enjoying my life. I feel guilty of not being happy. Even the things that used to make me happy seem tarnished and trite. I can barely remember enjoying them at all. Sometimes I feel completely alone and far away from the world around me even though I am able to bumble my way throughs days at school and home, I am not actually really connecting or getting anything done well.
I still want to be happy, or just normal. When a bit of happiness comes my way, it can feel like it is teetering on the edge of the dark pit I am sitting in. I am wishing and hoping it would stay for a little while longer but it inevitably gets consumed by the pit. It’s a cruel twist of depression, it takes away the very thing that could help me crawl toward the light, the ability to feel happiness, and it also takes away the motivation to do something that would create a bit of happiness. It is indescribably awful to experience such powerlessness.
I know this too shall pass, but I just want to know when…
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