25年1月云南师大附中高二期末考读后续写写作评析

One afternoon, Debbie was relaxing at home when the doorbell rang unexpectedly. Standing at the door was 16-year-old Amy from next door, looking very pale and worried. "Help! My brother Dylan is bleeding!" she cried.

Debbie followed Amy to her house, where 8-year-old Dylan was sitting on the floor, holding his arm tightly, with blood pouring through his fingers. A piece of glass was on the ground nearby, and a broken hole in the glass door showed what had happened. Dylan had been running indoors and fell, accidentally putting his arm through the door.

Amy, visibly shaken, said in a trembling voice that their mum had just gone out to the store, leaving her in charge. Though frightened herself, Debbie took control of the situation. She had recently taken a first aid course and remembered the importance of applying pressure to stop bleeding. "Amy, grab a towel!" she instructed while rushing to Dylan's side.

Debbie pressed the towel firmly on the wound, trying to stop the blood flow, and spoke gently to Dylan to calm him down. "You're doing great," she said to comfort him, even though her hands were shaking. Dylan, looking pale and scared, cried softly but nodded at her words. Meanwhile, Amy called for an ambulance, describing Dylan's condition and their address with as much calm as she could manage.

Just then, Dylan's mum returned, horrified to find her son injured. Dropping her shopping bags, she rushed to his side, her voice breaking as she asked what had happened. Debbie quickly explained and encouraged her to help applying pressure to the wound while they waited for the paramedics.

Paragraph 1: Debbie's heart raced as she tried to keep the pressure steady, watching the towel turn red with Dylan's blood.

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Paragraph 2: A few weeks later, Dylan's mum brought Debbie a bouquet of flowers, showing her gratitude.

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Debbie在家休息时，门铃突然响起，邻居16岁的Amy神色苍白地求助，说弟弟Dylan在流血。Debbie赶到Amy家，看到8岁的Dylan坐在地上，紧握受伤的手臂，鲜血从指缝流出，旁边有碎玻璃，玻璃门上有破洞——Dylan跑动时摔倒，不慎撞破玻璃门。Amy因害怕而颤抖，解释母亲刚去商店，留下她照看弟弟。Debbie虽也紧张，但冷静指挥Amy拿毛巾，并用毛巾按压伤口止血，同时安慰Dylan。Amy拨打急救电话，尽量冷静描述情况。这时，Dylan的母亲归来，见状惊恐万分，放下购物袋冲向儿子。Debbie向她解释情况，并鼓励她一起按压伤口，等待救护车到来。

主要人物：Debbie

次要人物：Amy、Dylan、Dylan’s mom

叙事视角：第三人称

故事主题：助人为乐、邻里互助 

第一段应该主要写：在救护车（医护人员）到达前，在学过急救知识的主要人物Debbie的主导下Amy 以及Dylan’s mom一起合力对受伤流血的Dylan进行止血急救的过程。这个过程中可以安排必要的人物之间的对话描写和肢体互动。

第二段应该主要写：几周后 ，Dylan逐步康复。Dylan的妈妈前来对Debbie表示感谢的动作和话语。当然，从不遗漏故事人物的角度出发，如果Dylan和Amy都能出现在现场就更好了。末尾，安排一两句话，往助人为乐的故事主题上靠拢一下（升华一下）会给阅卷人留下写作主题明确的印象。 

Paragraph 1: Debbie's heart raced as she tried to keep the pressure steady, watching the towel turn red with Dylan's blood.Dylan’s mum, following Debbie’s guidance, pressed firmly on the wound, her hands trembling but resolute.（合理的剧情设置：止血急救在主要人物Debbie的指挥下进行）“You’re doing great,” Debbie reassured both of them, her voice calm despite her own fear.（合理的情绪：有慌张和害怕但还是努力镇定）Dylan held still, nodding at her comforting words.（给到不同的人物戏份：受伤者的反应也别忘了写） Moments later, the sound of sirens broke the tension, and the paramedics arrived. They quickly took over, stabilizing Dylan’s arm and commending Debbie and his mum for their first aid that had controlled the bleeding.（和原文的概念互动：paramedics 以及 first aid）Debbie stood back, letting the professionals work, and placed a comforting hand on Amy’s shoulder, reassuring her that her brother was going to be fine.（准备和下文Dylan康复后Dylan的妈妈和姐姐上门感谢衔接）(98 words )

Paragraph 2: A few weeks later, Dylan's mum brought Debbie a bouquet of flowers, showing her heartfelt gratitude. She expressed how much Debbie's first aid had meant to their family during the crisis. Dylan, his arm now in a sling, stood beside his mum, holding a small handmade card. “Thank you for helping me,” he said, his eyes filled with appreciation.（合理的情节设置：被救的Dylan应该出现在现场）Amy stood beside them, her face radiating gratitude.（不遗漏次要人物：Amy 也给到了少许戏份）Debbie smiled and assured them she was just glad Dylan was recovering. Watching the family leave, Debbie felt deeply fulfilled, knowing her first-aid training had given her the confidence and courage to help them in such a critical moment. (恰当的主题升华：掌握专业的技能，实现助人为乐) (92 words)

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