The first time both my kids went off to school, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

This sounds bizarre, even to me, since I had been counting down to my freedom for what felt like the longest time.

My kids are 17 months apart, so in terms of school years, they’re only one grade difference.

When I was tearing my hair out looking after my son while his sister was at school, I was plotting all the cool places I would go and things I could finally do when it came to his turn.

Just imagine...six luxurious hours of pure uninterrupted kid-free time at my disposal.

The thought had me hyperventilating as I crossed out the remaining days to my release date.

Finally, Monday 3 September 2012 arrived.

My 3-year-old son would be starting nursery at his sister’s kindergarten.

He had been looking forward to joining her.

For the last year, he must have felt diminished being left behind with his frazzled mom while his 4.5-year-old sister got to dress up and strut off independently to some important place where she was needed.

However, upon arrival in his new classroom where he learned quickly that there were no familiar faces and mom who looked like she couldn’t wait to get rid of him, he wept like she was dying.

Soon, the entire class joined the orchestra as parents peeled themselves from their crying toddlers as advised by the teachers, while some of us – the uncool ones- pretended to leave but hid in one corner instead.

For some kids, the crying stopped when their parents left.

For some, it never started.

And some took weeks before they finally stopped crying.

Regardless of their reaction, our kids’ first day of school will always be the defining moment and starting point for all parents as we wrestle with the bittersweet feeling of letting our kids go.

It’s a strange feeling because you would think it gets easier as they grow older, but the truth is, it doesn’t.

When I was confident enough that my son would be fine without me, I smugly and sadly tiptoed out of the school gate to meet a friend for my celebratory breakfast at a mall.

After breakfast, my friend left, and I found myself alone for the first time in a long while.

All the plans I had fantasized about suddenly came to nought.

I spent the next three hours pacing the mall aimlessly while obsessively checking my watch for the kids’ pickup time.

Thirty minutes before school was released, I stood at the gate eager to receive my kids, whom I knew were going to drive me crazy in no time.  

But I needed to assure them that I hadn’t abandoned them. 

Even though I couldn’t wait to pack them off to school, I am still a good mom who prioritizes picking my kids early.

My kids' preschool years at Chiltern House Shanghai, Year 2011-2014

Fast forward to 12 years later, my husband and I are standing at the school gate watching our high schoolers as they begin their new school year.

We had just taken a family photo as part of our yearly ritual to commemorate our kids’ first day of school.

Our daughter is Grade 11 and our son is Grade 10.

In two years, our daughter will be off to college. A year after she leaves, our son will return to Singapore to serve in the military.

The downside of having kids close in age is that before you recover from your firstborn leaving the nest, your littlest one will soon follow.

I often tell my husband we should have had more children, so our nest is never empty.

Years ago, at a gathering with other moms whose kids varied in age, we were discussing when parents should start teaching kids life skills to prepare them for their independence.

One of the moms, whose only child was a high schooler then, shyly admitted that she wakes early to make breakfast for her son every day.

Everyone teased and made fun of her, including myself.

We all agreed she should slowly let go so her son learns to make his meals to prepare for college life.

Recently I caught up with this mom and apologized to her because I am eating my own words now.

Knowing that my kids will be leaving the nest in 2-3 years has me waking up daily to make them breakfast and rushing home to cook their favourite dishes for dinner.

As a working mom, I don’t always succeed, but I try.

I often think that high school years are college rehearsals for both parents and kids.

The Chinese have a saying, “翅膀硬了” “Wings have hardened” to metaphorically refers to youths who have grown independent and make decisions without their parent’s permission.

Parents often say it in a derogatory manner, the way my mom used to say it to me sarcastically during my tumultuous teenage years.

I think our parenting purpose is to help our kids harden their wings so they can soar.

During the rehearsal years, this may look like they prefer their friends and phones over us.

It may also look like defiance and rule-breaking to push limits and test the waters.

As heartbreaking as it is, this metamorphosis is a rite of passage for our adolescents as well as us parents who are also rehearsing for our kid’s departure.

Turns out my friend didn’t listen to our “good intentions” all those years ago. 

Now when her son returns from college break, he looks forward to eating his mom’s cooking.

Perhaps parenting is letting our kids fly but also giving them a reason to return.