It's messy but so is family life 可能有些杂乱，但家庭生活也这样

文摘 2024-08-29 17:00 上海

‍《〈《向左滑动阅读中文版本 ‍

It’s Monday morning and my house is a mess as I write this.

My Ayi is arriving at 10 am as she does on weekdays.

Seeing her on a Monday morning after an Ayi-less weekend is like receiving an angel from heaven.

When she is done for the day, my house will be restored to its pretentious glory that looks like no one lived here.

The truth is, Ayi only helps to clean the dust and arrange our things neatly.

Unless you empower her to get rid of your stuff that she thinks you no longer need, nothing is going to change if we keep bringing stuff home.

In 2019, I went to London to learn tidying from Marie Kondo after reading her genius book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up”.

After receiving my tidying consultant certification, I helped clients in their homes and gave talks to organizations.

I have since pivoted my career to writing but all those years of experience have made me slightly qualified to help.

Tidying talks at Shanghai Community Center, November 2021

This may be alarming to you, but here’s what I think is the best antidote to our consumption habits:

Don’t stop consuming what you love.

Yes, that’s right.

Let’s take a deep breath to acknowledge that we are in this hot mess and this article interests you because we love consuming.

We live in a major city like Shanghai where things happen faster than the speed of lightning.

Trends come and go because there is demand and supply.

In return, we thrive in this exchange of energy because it makes us feel current and engaged.

Say you love clothes like I do.

Berating ourselves to stop buying clothes and imposing a self-restraining order is going to backfire and make us buy even more in vengeance.

Trust me, I’ve been there.

The more restrictive we are, the more we crave for what we can’t have.

Because the truth will always surface eventually no matter how hard we try to bury it.

Instead, why not acknowledge and accept this part of us with curiosity and compassion?

“I am someone who loves ______”

Why?

“Because ______ makes me feel alive and joyful.”

But Eve, my love is making my house drown.

I hear you. My closet too.

Next step, acknowledge and accept this part of us with curiosity and compassion:

“Because of my love for ______, I am curious, therefore I never stop buying because there is always something newer, better, and trendier.”

My point is, how would we know if we’ve never tried?

Eve, how can I have the best of both worlds? I don’t want to stop consuming but I don’t want to be buried by my stuff either.

Let’s tackle the first dilemma: “I don’t want to stop consuming”

Instead of purchasing all-new 100% of the time, how about secondhand market?

You will be surprised there are many new unused items that sellers let go cheaply.

I used to love thrifting when I was young and broke but stopped when I could afford new things.

This summer, my teenage daughter and her friend brought me to a thrift shop in the US for the first time.

At first, I turned up my nose at the smell and dust and decided I would be a high and almighty queen sitting on my vintage throne of a couch waiting for them.

Arrogance has a way of making you forget your humble past until curiosity and my love of clothes got the better of me.

I began rummaging through the racks to discover gems, some with original price tags at ridiculous prices.

Eventually, I got hooked on unearthing one-of-a-kind designs at thrift stores.

In Shanghai, most secondhand shops like Xian Yu 闲鱼 are run online.

Ask your circle of hobbyists for recommendations.

The beauty of thrifting lies in its closed-loop cycle. Once you're ready to part with your items, you can resell them to the secondhand market.

A thrift shop poster from Savers in San Jose, California.

Let’s tackle the second dilemma: “I don’t want to be buried by my stuff”‍

Ask yourself: Am I consuming for myself because I truly love it or am I doing it to please others or to show off?

I am guilty of both and have lost count of the regrets I suffered just to let others win at that moment instead of listening to my inner knowing.

My strategy is to shop alone so you aren’t influenced by other’s opinions.

If you find yourself being cornered by peer pressure, use your family as an excuse.

Blame it on your spouse and kids that they don’t like you wearing this colour or fabric.

Either way, you are people-pleasing so might as well use your family to save yourself from future regrets.

Family life

Most people assume that tidying consultants live in homes that look like the pages of interior magazines.

I can’t speak for everyone but for me, yes - when I am expecting guests, which happens every five years.

On the daily, this is how my house looks like:

In the morning rush, my closet has clothes strewn on the floor because I can’t decide between outfits A, B, or C.

My teenagers leave trails of their presence at home with crumpled candy wrappers in one corner and a pair of shorts on the ground still in their freshly removed shape.

Our study desk is an eclectic pile of books, kuaidi boxes, tons of mysterious wires, and photographs we’ve been wanting to frame up but never got around to.

It’s messy, yes, but so is family life.

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Chinese translation & Layout: Yan Yan

Illustrator: Ang Rei. Proofread: Ang Rei & John Meng

周一早上，在我写这篇文章的时候，家里的一切都乱糟糟的。

今天来家里打扫卫生的阿姨像以往来的时间一样，早上十点就到了。

每当度过一个没有阿姨的周末，在周一早上见到熟悉的身影时，我便感觉像接待到了一位来自天堂的使者，因为她是来拯救我的。

当阿姨忙完这一天，我的房子又恢复到一尘不染、整洁如新的样子，仿佛从未有人居住过。

那曾经有些杂乱的环境，在阿姨的打扫下，焕发出全新的光彩，甚至值得让我拍照炫耀。

但是事实上，阿姨仅仅能做的只是帮我们清除灰尘，以及把东西摆放整齐。

除非你授权让她处理掉你不再需要的东西，否则如果我们继续把东西带回家，那么一切都不会改变。那堆积如山的物品依旧会占据着大量的空间，让整个环境显得杂乱。

2019年，在读过近藤麻理惠的天才著作《怦然心动的人生整理魔法》后，我去伦敦向她学习整理学这门学问。

获得整理顾问证书后，我会提供解决思路帮助客户整理他的房间亦或者是整个家，并为一些组织举办讲座。

后来，我的职业转向了写作，但那些年的经验让我略有资格为大家提供一些帮助。

2021 年 11 月，在上海市社区服务中心举办整理讲座

我接下来说的话可能会让你感到震惊，但我认为这是我们消费习惯的最佳解药：

不要停止购买你喜欢的东西。

是的，没错。

让我们深深地吸一口气，勇敢地承认当下我们可能正处在一个物品堆积且乱糟糟的环境之中。而这篇文章之所以能够在此时引起你的兴趣，其中一个重要的原因便是我们对消费的热爱。

我们生活在上海这样的大城市，在这座城市里事情的发生速度比闪电还快。

时尚潮流来去匆匆，但也是因为有需求就有供给。

作为回报，我们在这种不断更迭变化的能量交换中茁壮成长，因为在变的过程中让我们感觉到自己是作为潮流的参与者而与时俱进的。

如果说你和我一样热爱服装，那你会怎么做呢？

斥责自己不要再买衣服，强制自我限制，只会适得其反，让我们为了报复而买得更多。

相信我，我有过这样的经历。

我们越是限制自己，就越是渴望拥有得不到的东西，得到才是真正的“祛魅”，所以购买是解药。

即使无论我们如何掩盖，真相终将浮出水面，毕竟柜子里终究会放不下你买的东西。

与其这样，为什么不怀着好奇和同情心承认并接受我们的这一部分热爱呢？

“我是一个热爱______的人”

为什么？

“因为______让我感觉到生命的活力和快乐"。

但是 Eve，我的家因为我的爱好堆得满满当当了。

我明白的，我的衣橱也是如此。

下一步，以好奇心和同情心承认并接受我们的这一部分热爱：

“因为我热爱______，所以我很好奇，因此我从不停止购买，因为总有更新、更好、更时尚的东西。"

我的观点是，如果我们从未尝试过，我们怎么会知道呢？

Eve，怎样才能两全其美呢？我不想停止消费，但我也不想让我的东西多到淹没我自己。

让我们来解决第一个难题：“我不想停止消费”。

与其每次都100%购买全新的东西，不如去二手市场转转看看？

你会惊讶地发现，二手市场的卖家会以低廉的价格出售许多全新的闲置物品。

在我年轻的时候我也捉襟见肘，曾经很喜欢节俭，精打细算去过我的生活，但当我买得起全新东西时，就不再节俭了。

今年夏天，爱好节俭的女儿和她的朋友第一次带我来到美国的二手商店。

起初，我对那些气味和灰尘嗤之以鼻，并决定要做一个高高在上的女王，坐在我的复古沙发宝座上等待她们。

傲慢总是让人忘记自己卑微的过去，直到好奇心和对衣服的热爱战胜了我。

我开始在衣架上翻箱倒柜地发掘珍品，有些衣服还贴着原价标签，并且上面的价格高得离谱。

最后，我迷上了在旧货店挖掘一些独一无二的设计。

在上海，大多数像闲鱼这样的二手店铺都是在网上经营的。

请向你的同好圈子推荐这一软件。

节俭的魅力在于它的闭环循环。一旦你准备好舍弃你的物品，你就可以把它们转卖到二手市场。

加利福尼亚州圣何塞Savers旧货店的一张海报

让我们来解决第二个难题：“我也不想让我的东西多到淹没我自己”。

问问你自己：我是为了自己消费，是因为我真的爱它，还是为了取悦他人或炫耀自己？

这两点我都深有体会。我已经无数次后悔，只为在某些时刻取悦别人或炫耀自己，而不是听从内心，购买自己真正喜欢的。

为了解决这种情况，我的方法是独自购物，这样就不会受到他人意见的影响，我可以买我自己真正喜欢的，满足我自己，并且取悦我自己。

如果你发现自己被同伴带来的压力逼得走投无路，那就用你的家人作为借口。

把不喜欢你穿这种颜色或面料的衣服归咎于你的配偶和孩子。

不管怎样，你都是在取悦别人，所以不妨利用家人，免得将来后悔。

家庭生活

大多数人都认为，整理顾问的家就像室内杂志的页面一样精致。

我不能代表所有人，但对我来说，是的——但这每五年只会发生一次，当我在家招待客人的时候。

实际上每天，我的家都是这个样子：

早上起床后，衣柜里的衣服散落一地，杂乱无章地堆积着。这一片狼藉景象的背后是因为我无法在A、B或C三件衣服之间做出选择。

我的孩子们在家里留下了他们待过的痕迹，某个角落里有揉成一团的糖果包装纸，地上是一条刚刚脱下的短裤。

我们的书房书桌上堆满了各种各样的书籍、快递盒、各式各样神秘的线，还有一直想裱装却还没来得及的照片。

但这就是生活的气息。

虽然的确很乱，但家庭生活也正是如此。

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中文翻译&排版: 燕燕

插画师: 汪瑞校对: 汪瑞&孟文博

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