郑素红老师 | 2024年10月天域名校联盟读后续写讲评-干草棚里的小猫

Sweat dripped from Callie’s face as she helped her big brother Briggs load hay bales (干草捆) onto the conveyor (输送机). She wasn’t strong enough to lift them herself, but she could at least help drag them into place. The machine chattered noisily while it carried the bales up to the hayloft, where Callie’s dad stacked them.

All was quiet when Callie went inside to feed the horses. But as she filled the water buckets, she thought she heard a faint meow from the hayloft. She climbed the steps to the loft and listened. The sound seemed to be coming from behind the bales. She ran to get her dad and Briggs. Briggs cocked his head. “It’s coming from outside,” he determined. “Just a bird in a tree.” Callie’s dad agreed. “How do you know for sure?” Callie said. “I guess we’ve just got better ears than you,” Briggs joked.

But Callie wasn’t convinced. She checked the hayloft again after supper. “Are you stuck in there, kitty?” she said, pressing an ear to the bales. “Meooow!” Callie raced back to the house. “I heard it again, Dad! Will you please listen once more?” “All right, Cal,” her dad said, turning off the TV. “I’ll go check while you get ready for bed.” A few minutes later, Dad poked his head into Callie’s room. “The only thing I heard out there was a screech owl,” he said. “So stop worrying.” “OK, Dad,” Callie said. “Thanks for checking.”

But she woke in the night thinking about what she’d heard. What if a kitten was trapped behind the bales? She lay on her back, wondering what to do. Finally, she grabbed a flashlight and crept into the barn.

注意：

1．续写词数应为150个左右；

2．请按如下格式在答题纸的相应位置作答。

Para1: Once in the barn, she shined the flashlight’s beam toward the ladder.

Para2: Finally, Callie picked up the scared kitten from the corner of the hayloft.

一、设计理念：

1. 本文人物：主角：Callie 读者在原文字里行间可以看到Callie 是个懂事心地善良的女孩。

配角： Dad  her big brother Briggs  and the kitten

2. 所给原文内容：Callie 听到干草棚里传来小猫的叫声，父亲和哥哥都认为她听岔了。晚上睡前，她担心小猫，又央求父亲去查看是否有小猫。深夜醒来，仍然为小猫担心不已。于是拿上手电筒溜去谷仓查看。

3. 续写构思：结合Para1: Once in the barn, she shined the flashlight’s beam toward the ladder. 设计Callie 爬梯子到干草棚找小猫；Para2: Finally, Callie picked up the scared kitten from the corner of the hayloft. 应该是Callie 把小猫带回家，给它做个窝。时间线拉长一点，第二天向爸爸哥哥介绍家庭新成员；小猫给他们带来数不清的欢声笑语。

二、教学过程

Step1: Analyze characters ： Callie , Dad , Briggs,

Step2: Sort through the plot of the story

Conflict1 : Callie heard a meow and wondered if a kitten was stuck in the hayloft.

solution1: She asked Dad and Briggs for their opinions but they thought she made a mistake.

Conflict 2: Before going to bed, Callie asked Dad to check again for the kitten but without any luck.

Solution 2: Still worried, Callie woke in the night, grabbed a flashlight and went to the barn to look for any sign of the kitten.  

Step3: Read for clues for the new plot of the continuation writing

Use hidden clues to create logical and reasonable details for the continuation.

Step4: Design plots for each paragraph

Para1: Once in the barn, she shined the flashlight’s beam toward the ladder.

Link1: What was the barn like in the night?

Body: What did Callie do?  How did she feel ?

Link2: How did Callie find the kitten? How was it? Step 5: Appreciate possible version.

Para2: Finally, Callie picked up the scared kitten from the corner of the hayloft.

Link3: How did Callie treat the kitten?

Body: What did the kitten do to Callie? What did Callie do then to help the kitten?

Ending: What was the relation between Callie and the kitten?

Para1: Once in the barn, she shined the flashlight’s beam toward the ladder. The barn was eerily silent except for the soft sound of her own breathing. The thought of the possibly trapped kitty infused her heart with resolution. She mustered up all her courage climbed the shaky ladder slowly and cautiously, her heart pounding wildly in her chest. As she reached the hayloft, a distinct meowing sound came into her ears. She carefully moved the hay bales, her hands trembling with excitement mingled with anticipation. Finally, she spotted a tiny gray ball of fur behind one of the bales. “There you are!” she whispered softly. A kitten poked her face out of the hay bales, eyes wide with terror. Callie’s heart melted.  (110)

Para2: Finally, Callie picked up the scared kitten from the corner of the hayloft. She cradled it gently in her arms, the little kitten shivering all over. The kitten snuggled in her warm arms, affectionately rubbing against Callie’s face as if showing her absolute trust. Callie hurried back to the house, her flashlight casting a warm glow on their path. No sooner had she entered her room than she got a small box to create a cozy haven for it. Lying in relief, the kitten yawned lazily and slept soundly as Callie stroked its fur. From that moment on, a close bond formed between the cute kitten and Callie. Undoubtedly, the kitten became a beloved member of the family, bringing them endless joy and laughter. (111)

猫语料：

外貌与神态的描写

The little kitten was as white as snow, with a pink nose sniffing the air. Its eyes were like two bright emeralds, shining with a curious glint.

The kitten was a fluffy ball of gray fur. Its tiny paws were padded with soft cushions, and its long whiskers seemed to sense every slight movement around it.

动作描写

The kitten pounced on the ball of yarn with lightning speed. It slapped at it playfully, its little claws hooking the yarns and sending the ball rolling across the floor.

It tiptoed quietly, lowering its fat body to the ground as if tracking an invisible prey. Then, all of a sudden, it leaped onto the window board and curled up into a ball, exposed to the afternoon warm sunshine lazily .

声音描写：

5. Staring at Callie, the kitten let out a soft, delicate meow, as if begging for a warm  

embrace to curl up or a saucer of milk to drink.

6. It purred contentedly as Callie stroked its silky fur,  its low rumbling sound filling the

room like a tiny engine.

P.S.: 本文属于人与自然之人与动物的叙事模型：Callie 救助干草棚里的小猫并和小猫建立亲密关系。

人与动物类读后续写题的故事模型主要有三个出题方向：

一：人与动物和谐相处；人与动物和谐相处，体现在人与动物的亲密互助方面。文章内容主要有圈养动物、家养宠物的趣事囧事；家养宠物陪伴、治愈主人；旅途偶遇动物、救助动物等。

二：人与动物发生冲突（与历险故事类有重合）。人与动物发生冲突往往以人类成功脱险为结局。人类偶遇凶猛动物，遇到危险，设法脱困。在解决问题的过程中，我们注意保护动物的理念，即不能伤害野生动物、不能私自圈养野生动物。

三： 人与动物  趣事类

平时要注意积累动物相关的表达，如动物名称、品种、外貌、叫声、典型动作、性格特征等。

历届人与动物之读后续写真题以及模拟题汇总

2017年6月 阿拉斯加与狼骑行

2018年6月 骑马遇兔迷路森林

2020年1月 波比的小狗

2020年7月 不速之客北极熊

2023年1月 人鸟情未了

2023年-2024年1月模拟考出现过的与动物有关的续写：

2023年浙江四省联考 救助红松鼠

2023年3月浙南联盟 雪中救马

2023年4月温州联考 女孩救隧道鳟鱼

2023年5月北斗联考 为建蜜蜂小屋筹款

2023年5月浙江十校联盟 教室里的蛙

2023年7月金华市高二十校联考 离家出逃的猫

2023年7月宁波高二期末联考 森林精灵护女婴

2023年7月绍兴高二期末联考 雨夜骑马救牛仔

2023年11月稽阳卷 莱利太太的金丝雀

2023年12月四校联考 小黑狗洗澡历险记

2023年12 月嘉兴一模 莫索普先生的鸡

2024年1月20 九省联考 海豚的秘密

2024年2月 浙江高三七彩阳光联考 再见狐狸

2024年2月浙江高二浙南联盟 人狗情深

2024年3月浙江高三强基联盟 漫长的重逢

2024年3月 浙江宁波十校高三联考 Rufus寻家之旅

2024年3月 广东省一模 企鹅暖宝宝

2024年4月 浙江省湖丽衢三地市联考 蟒蛇和我的一场虚惊

2024年4月 浙江省宁波二模 臭鼬与我家的奇妙缘分

综合以上所有的续写文本，基本可以梳理为三类：

第一大类： 人与动物  遇险脱困类

第二大类： 人与动物  救助动物脱困

第三大类： 人与动物  趣事类

考生处理动物类续写文本，先快速浏览确定文本属于上面三个大类中的哪一类，然后根据平时习作训练的语言语料积累，进行接续内容的行文情节构思和句子架构。分类可以梳理叙事脉络并预判故事的发展走向，有助于故事新情节的安排，明确结尾。如果故事难以体现感悟，考生可以以人与动物之间亲密关系为切入点，描写美好的人与动物之间的互相陪伴。

本文属于此类文本，故而笔者设计结尾时考虑人与猫的亲密关系。

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