（CUHK·未园湖）
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这位同学的考场作文回忆
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I am included to agree with kelly that study in groups improve learning habitat. In addition, I believe studying in groups is more effective as it provide significant opportunity for school-age students to cooperate and communication. To be specific, as the development of society, people today have to work in groups to face challenge and deal with problems. Therefore, it is curicial to learn how to cooperation In the post-secondary education. For instance, I always work in groups to acquire excellent score in many courses. My teammates and I work together to create papers and presentations to show our understand and analysis of profound subjects. In this case, we cooporate together and burn the midnight oil to achieve the benefit of group. Furthermore, these experiences encourage me pursue future career path in groups. In conclusion, I think studing in groups is better.
一. 语言表达：
1. 句子：I am included to agree with kelly that study in groups improve learning habitat.
问题：
• “included” 用词错误：应该是 “inclined” 表示倾向。
• “study in groups improve” 主谓不一致：主语 “study in groups” 是单数，应使用 “improves”。
• “learning habitat” 用词不当：学习习惯应为 “learning habits”。
修改建议：
“I am inclined to agree with Kelly that studying in groups improves learning habits.”
2. 句子：In addition, I believe studying in groups is more effective as it provide significant opportunity for school-age students to cooperate and communication.
问题：
• “provide” 主谓不一致：主语是单数 “it”，动词应为 “provides”。
• “communication” 用词错误：应为动词形式 “communicate” 与 “cooperate” 并列。
• “significant opportunity” 单数问题：后面接的是复数对象 “students”，可改为 “significant opportunities” 更符合逻辑。
修改建议：
“In addition, I believe studying in groups is more effective as it provides significant opportunities for school-age students to cooperate and communicate.”
3. 句子：To be specific, as the development of society, people today have to work in groups to face challenge and deal with problems.
问题：
• “as the development of society” 表达不自然：建议改为 “with the development of society”。
• “face challenge” 单复数错误：应为 “face challenges”。
修改建议：
“To be specific, with the development of society, people today have to work in groups to face challenges and deal with problems.”
4. 句子：Therefore, it is curicial to learn how to cooperation in the post-secondary education.
问题：
• “curicial” 拼写错误：应为 “crucial”。
• “cooperation” 用词错误：应为动词形式 “cooperate”。
• “In the post-secondary education” 冗余：建议删除 “the”。
修改建议：
“Therefore, it is crucial to learn how to cooperate in post-secondary education.”
5. 句子：For instance, I always work in groups to acquire excellent score in many courses.
问题：
• “excellent score” 单复数错误：应为 “excellent scores”。
• “always work in groups” 时态略显单一：建议强调习惯或常规行为，可改为 “I have often worked in groups”。
修改建议：
“For instance, I have often worked in groups to acquire excellent scores in many courses.”
6. 句子：My teammates and I work together to create papers and presentations to show our understand and analysis of profound subjects.
问题：
• “understand” 用词错误：应为名词形式 “understanding”。
• “analysis of profound subjects” 缺乏具体性，用词不恰当，如 “analysis of complex academic topics”。
修改建议：
“My teammates and I work together to create papers and presentations to show our understanding and analysis of complex academic topics.”
7. 句子：In this case, we cooporate together and burn the midnight oil to achieve the benefit of group.
问题：
• “cooporate” 拼写错误：应为 “cooperate”。
• “cooperate together” 冗余：“cooperate” 本身已含有“共同”的意思。
• “the benefit of group” 语法错误：应为 “the benefits of group work”。
修改建议：
“In this case, we cooperate and burn the midnight oil to achieve the benefits of group work.”
8. 句子：Furthermore, these experiences encourage me pursue future career path in groups.
问题：
• “encourage me pursue” 动词形式错误：应为 “encourage me to pursue”。
• “future career path in groups” 表达不自然：建议改为 “future career paths that involve teamwork”。
修改建议：
“Furthermore, these experiences encourage me to pursue future career paths that involve teamwork.”
9. 句子：In conclusion, I think studing in groups is better.
问题：
• “studing” 拼写错误：应为 “studying”。
• “is better” 表述笼统：建议改为 “is a better approach to learning”。
修改建议：
“In conclusion, I think studying in groups is a better approach to learning.”
Eva👩🏻🏫:
托福作文不是不能犯语法错误，就连官方给的样题满分范文，也包含了一些语法错误。只是，如果语法错误很频繁，很明显noticeable，主要都是：名词单复数，冠词，动词形式，拼写。就会把分数档拉低。
再加上这篇作文，词汇比较简单(a range of vocabulary)，句型也主要是简单句(some variety in syntactic structures)。语法分数也因此只能是3分档。
@官方写作评分标准
问题是：
1. 第2个分论点没有具体展开.
Furthermore, these experiences encourage me pursue future career path in groups.
具体问题：
缺乏具体展开：小组学习如何能帮助“我”在职业环境中能表现更好的阐释。
修改建议：
“Additionally, study groups prepare students for professional environments where teamwork is often essential. For instance, my experience in group projects taught me how to negotiate ideas and delegate tasks, skills that are directly applicable to my future career in project management.”
👩🏻🏫Eva：
这是很多同学在考试时容易采取的方法。 当第一个论点写完，但是时间还剩点，字数好像还不够多，就会再临时加1~2句，凑个字数。
但是，官方在评分的时候是以【展开的充分性】给分的。如果写了1个论点，却没有展开，就会被扣分。
这就是3分档中的：elaboration in which part of an explanatioin may be missing, unclear.
3. 结尾句只有很模糊的一句话，没有对文章进行清晰地总结。
In conclusion, I think studing In groups is better.
(2) 第1个分论点展开,细节和对比,不足:
原文第1个论点是：学习小组提供合作与交流的机会，帮助学生更好地学习。
I believe studying in groups is more effective as it provide significant opportunity for school-age students to cooperate and communication.
展开是： To be specific, as the development of society, people today have to work in groups to face challenge and deal with problems. Therefore, it is curicial to learn how to cooperation In the post-secondary education. For instance, I always work in groups to acquire excellent score in many courses. My teammates and I work together to create papers and presentations to show our understand and analysis of profound subjects.
⭕️ 问题：
真正能支撑观点的只有画横线的一句话，还缺乏解释：合作是如何提高理解力，和缺乏对比独立学习如何限制了合作和交流。
修改建议：
“Study groups encourage collaboration and communication, which are essential for deeper understanding of course material. Unlike independent study, where students rely solely on their own efforts, group work allows peers to share perspectives and clarify complex concepts. For example, in a recent project on environmental science, my team’s discussions helped us refine our analysis and produce a more comprehensive presentation.”
Eva👩🏻🏫:
这也是很多同学展开中的典型问题。展开中 泛泛地提到了“合作很重要(irrelevant)” 和“我通过合作就成绩很好了”，却遗漏了最核心的“studying in groups 是如何能提升合作和沟通”，在自己这个例子中的“合作和沟通的具体细节是什么”。
当然也就还是3分档中所提到的“elaboration ....missing, unclear and irrelevant”
Eva说:
托福官方评分标准 简明扼要地把评分内容分成2个部分：语言语法和内容展开.
所以同学们想要从20分出头，提分到4分/25分, 起码要：
1. 杜绝明显/小的语法错误。尽量减少错误个数。
2. 内容展开逻辑要支撑观点，具体，不跑题。
看起来很简单，但是在具体落实的时候还需要同学们通过真题训练，多落实。
这2个部分，在我们写作团里详细讲过：写作常见语法错误讲解。展开逻辑和表达在：day8-解释；day9-举例；day4-结构对比；day10-高分句型；day11-词汇选择.
老师写作团的同学可以有针对性复习。
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