hello大家好！克里斯托拉斯穆森说：“如果你已经磨光了你的棱角来适应环境，那是时候把它们带回来了——那里有力量、价值和美丽。”。拉斯穆森以坦诚和谦逊的态度分享了他们在羞愧中的经历，它是如何在我们自己和这个世界上显现出来的，以及如何揭示一条通往自爱和接受的道路。这是一个为任何一个正在努力成为他们的本意而奋斗的人所做的演讲——同时提醒人们，这并不容易，但总是值得的。演讲者：Crystal Rasmussen演讲题目: A queer journey from shame to self-love These days, I find it easy to look in the mirror. This used to be the case, too, because I learned to be a drag queen alone, Back then, in the early noughties, there was no cultural mirror for someone like me. There was no chance of switching on Netflix and finding someone who looks like you, and Lily Savage never quite made it to the Woolworths bargain bin if she ever made it to the dizzying heights of VHS at all.这些天，我发现照镜子很容易。以前也是这样，因为我学会了一个人当变装皇后，那时候，在九十年代初，像我这样的人没有文化反思。打开 Netflix 也找不到长得像你的人，而且莉莉·萨维奇（Lily Savage）从来没有进入过 Woolworths 的讨价还价箱，如果她达到了 VHS 令人眼花缭乱的高度的话。So there was me and a mirror, and that's the only place I saw myself for a long time.It will be over a decade until this part of me became more than a mere reflection. And in that time, what happened would change my relationship with that mirror. In that decade, I came out as gay at a Catholic state comp in the working class North West, and I survived.所以这是我和一面镜子，那是我很长一段时间里唯一看到自己的地方。十多年后，我的这一部分将不仅仅是一种反思。那个时候，发生的事情会改变我和那面镜子的关系。在那十年里，我在西北工人阶级的一个天主教国家队以同性恋身份出柜，我感觉自己就像活了下来。But as with anything that unsmooths the edges of normal society, that coming out brought with it a daily dose of judgment and therein shame from almost everyone around me, shame that was heard and felt and internalized and often replicated by me.但就像任何扰乱正常社会边缘的事物一样，它的出现挑战了大众的判断力，其中大部分都来自我周围每个人的羞耻感，我听到、感受到、内化并时时提醒我的的羞耻感。Commonly, when we think about shame, we imagine it at the extreme end of the spectrum, anything from years of intense dieting to keep up with extreme Western beauty standards, all the way to things like honor violence. But for me, my shame existed at the long end of the tail of the shame monster, as self-hatred.通常，当我们想到羞耻时，我们会将其想象在极端的范围内，从多年的节食到跟上极端的西方美容标准，甚至到荣誉暴力之类的事情。但对我来说，我的耻辱存在于耻辱怪物的尾巴的长端，作为自我憎恨。Now, this didn't really affect anyone else. On the surface, I was fat, feminine, gay, spotty, ginger. I didn't really have much going for me, by society's standards. But what I did have was a killer, if not overcompensatory, bitchy gay personality, and I was not afraid to use it. If you were going to throw a rock at me and call me a faggot, then I'll barb you back by telling you that one day when I'm famous, you'll be licking my boots clean and begging me for employment.事实上，这并没有真正影响到其他人。从表面上看，我很胖，女性化，同性恋，长雀斑，肤色暗沉。按照社会的标准，我真的没有什么可做的。但我确实是一个杀手，如果不是过度补偿，恶毒的同性恋人格，我并不害怕使用它。如果你要向我扔一块石头并称骂我同性恋，那么我会反驳你，告诉你有一天我成名时，你会跪舔我并乞求我工作。 We all reproduce shameful and shaming behaviors, because we're all trying to escape our own shame. And as the shame monster swallowed me whole, I couldn't find myself in the mirror.我们都在重复可耻和羞辱的行为，因为我们都在努力摆脱自己的羞耻感。当耻辱怪物将我整个吞噬时，我无法在镜子中找到自己。Eventually, I left my hometown and went to a rather posh university that my whole town had celebrated my acceptance at with glee. And when I arrived there, I started to tell lies about my upbringing. Not big ones. There's only so many vowels you can drop until someone realizes you're not landed gentry.最终，我离开了家乡，去了一所相当豪华的大学，我的家乡兴高采烈地庆祝了我被录取。当我到达那里时，我开始捏造一些关于我成长经历的事实。不是大的。只有这么多元音你可以删除，直到有人意识到你不是上流社会的绅士。But I started to say things like, 'I'd read that book' when I hadn't, I started to tell people I'd grown up in Manchester, when really, it was two hours north of there. I spent time alone in the mirror, like I had with my drag persona all those years ago, trying to change the way I speak just a little.但是我开始说诸如“我读过那本书”之类的话，虽然我并没有读过，我会告诉人们我在曼彻斯特长大，实际上，我家离那里以北两个小时。我花时间独自对着镜子，就像多年前我玩变装游戏一样，试图改变我说话的方式。To the world, I was easy. I worked hard to fit myself into a neat storyline, the friendly gay Mancunian, when really I knew that the swathing complexities of my identity couldn't fit inside a storyline. And if I was found out, I was terrified that I'd be cast out. And so the self-hate ensued once again.对世界来说，我很容易。我努力让自己融入一个干净整洁的故事情节，友好的曼彻斯特同性恋者，当我真的知道我的身份的复杂性无法融入故事情节时。如果我被发现了，我很害怕我会被赶出去。于是自怨自艾又一次接踵而至。Now, what does self-hate look like? What does it feel like? It sounds pretty intense, but it's actually way more boring and way less dramatic than vile gouts of hatred towards who you are. For me, self-hatred was about not believing things that were objectively true. It was about looking in the mirror and seeing something monstrous. It was about looking in the mirror and seeing something not deserving of love or respect from myself and others.现在，自怨自艾是什么样子的？感觉怎么样？这听起来很刺激，但实际上它比对你是谁的憎恨更无聊，更没有戏剧性。对我来说，自怨自艾是不相信客观真实的事情。这就像是照镜子并看到一些可怕的东西。或是从镜中看到一些不值得我和他人爱或尊重的东西。It was about looking in the mirror and wanting to change parts of myself: my weight, my gender, my sexuality, my class -- so extremely that you commit acts of self-harm and self-denial. I lied, I judged, I bitched. I changed the way I spoke. And I had so much extreme sex that I would find myself, years later, recalling all the times my consent had been breached because it's what I thought I deserved. Sidebar, to say that extreme sex, when practiced safely and consensually, can be some of the best sex.又或是自查后想要改变自己的一部分：我的体重、我的性别、我的性取向、我所在的集体——如此极端以至于你做出了自我伤害和自我否定的行为。我撒谎，我独断，我骂人。我改变了我说话的方式。多年后当我回忆起那些，我认为自己理所应得却被违背意愿的时刻，我就会出现频繁的极端性行为。补充一下，极端性行为，当你确保安全并且是在自愿的前提下进行时，可以说是一些最好的性行为。But as my grandma would have said, I was in a pickle. I looked in the mirror and I saw something monstrous. But I managed to persuade those around me that I was fabulous.但正如我奶奶会说的那样，我陷入了困境。我揽镜自照，我看到了可怕的东西。但我设法说服了我周围的人，我很棒。The first time I performed in drag, I was 19, and to put it lightly, I was not fabulous. But so was everyone. And the standard back then, in 2011, was much lower than it is now. And, you know, the people of my repressed generation were just pretty happy to see something different.我第一次表演变装是19岁，说白了，我并不出色。但别人也好不到哪去。当时的标准，在2011年，比现在低得多。而且，你知道，我那一代被压抑的人很喜欢看到不同的东西。But ... As bad as I might have been, this experience was such a liberatory process, something that Oprah might have called an aha moment, because for the first time, this thing I'd only ever really seen in a mirror was real. She was tangible. And what's more, she was adored by a crowd of people.但是......尽管我可能很糟糕，但这种体验是一个解放天性的过程，奥普拉可能称之为啊哈时刻，因为这是我第一次真正在镜子中看到的东西是真实的，她是有形的。更重要的是，她受到了一群人的崇拜。Drag continued this way for a while, until the barrier between the mirror and the real world faded away. I had admitted my most shameful desires to the world, and somewhere in some pockets of some worlds that I never knew existed, she was adored. So I started to drop my vowels more. I started to talk about Lancaster more.Drag这样持续了一段时间，直到镜子和现实世界之间的屏障消失了。我向世界承认了我最可耻的欲望，在一些我不知道存在的世界的某个口袋里，她被崇拜。所以我开始更多地放弃我的元音。I started to wear ball gowns in the street, and I started to fall back in love with what I saw in the mirror. Eventually, everyone around me followed suit -- my friends, my family, my lovers. She became a place of value, and of power, and of uplift. She became what she'd been in the mirror all those years ago -- a savior.我开始更多地谈论兰开斯特。我开始在街上穿舞会礼服，我开始重新爱上我在镜子里看到的东西。最终，我周围的每个人都开始效仿我——我的朋友、我的家人、我的爱人。她成为了一个有价值的地方，权力和提升的地方。她变成了多年前镜子里的她——一个救世主。 So I did what anyone who found their power source would do, and I leaned in as archcapitalist Sheryl Sandberg would say, and I journeyed to the heart of the queer motherland, East London. There, I had queer sex, I made queer friends, I wore queer clothes, and I built myself a job where I could dress like this every day, worshiping at the feet of the Northern women who raised me, and be celebrated for it. It's kind of a wild thing to get your head around, the idea of being celebrated for something you were so painfully derided for before.所以我做了任何想要找到自己动力来源的人都会做的事情，我像大资本家雪莉尔桑德伯格所说的那样倾尽全力，然后我前往了奇怪的首都，东伦敦。在那里，我有奇怪的性行为，我结交了奇怪的朋友，我穿着奇怪的衣服，我为自己建立了一份工作，每天都可以穿着这样的衣服，在养育我的北方妇女的脚下敬拜，并因此而受到祝贺。让你转变观点是一件很疯狂的事情，因为你以前被如此痛苦地嘲笑过的东西，现在居然能受到认可和祝福了。But my journey to shamelessness was not over. Funny how years of deep embedded circuitry takes a little while to untangle. See, I'd made this bubble, this shame-free bubble where everything about me was celebrated. And one night on the way home from a gig in drag, I was beat so badly that I was hospitalized, by a homophobic passer by. The shame flooded out of my internal boxes and filled me up.但我的羞耻之旅还没有结束。有趣的是，多年的深度嵌入式电路需要一点时间来解开。看，我做了这个泡沫，这个羞耻的泡沫，我的一切都被认可了。一天晚上，在一场演出结束回家的路上，我被一个恐同的路人殴打，以至于我被送进了医院。羞耻感从我内心的盒子里涌出，瞬间吞噬了我的内心I went to so many dark places in my head. I'm loathe to repeat them, but I asked myself questions like 'What if everyone who's ever said anything bad about me was right? What if I deserve all of this shame?'我在脑海中去了很多黑暗的地方。我不愿意重复它们，但我问自己这样的问题：“如果每个曾经说我坏话的人都是对的怎么办？如果我应该承受所有这些耻辱怎么办？”I had some work to do, and I was a bit too shaken to stay around in London, so I took a train from Euston back home to Lancaster, and I spent some time healing. And I worked hard to fall in love with the things I thought I'd left behind, the things I'd loved about Lancaster, growing up. The people there, the way we connect, Jan down the SPAR shop, who sells fags, the boys who give you a bit of a look but respect you nonetheless.我有一些工作要做，在伦敦呆得久了会让我有点动摇，所以我从尤斯顿坐火车回到了兰开斯特，我花了一些时间疗伤。我努力工作，去爱上那些我以为我已经抛在脑后的东西，我喜欢兰开斯特的东西，长大了。那里的人，我们联系的方式，Jan到SPAR商店，他卖同性恋“周边”，男孩们给了你一些眼神，但仍然尊重你。And I came back to London with more of an awareness of my value, of my history. I had been dressing differently since the attack. I was wearing all black, plain clothes, trying to blend in, because when I was at home in Lancaster, I realized that safety was more important to me than curing myself of shame, and I can't do the latter if I don't have the former.当我再次回到伦敦时，我对自己的价值和历史有了更多的认识。自从袭击发生以来，我一直穿着不同。我穿着一身黑色素衣，试图融入其中，因为当我在兰卡斯特的家中时，我意识到安全对我来说比治愈自己的耻辱更重要，安全也是我治愈自己的大前提。But while I was up in Lancaster, I'd also had another realization. I realized that everybody suffers with shame. Even my attacker. This was another aha moment, a moment so liberatory that it confused me for a while. The fact that I wasn't alone in this, that everyone suffers from shame. Normality is God and everyone's a sinner, I realized.但是当我在兰开斯特时，我也有了另一个认识。我意识到每个人都会因耻辱而痛苦。甚至我的攻击者。这是另一个啊哈时刻，一个如此解放的时刻，让我困惑了一段时间。事实上，我并不孤单，每个人都感到羞耻。我意识到，常态就是上帝，每个人都是罪人。I got obsessed with that. I started looking everywhere and seeing shame in people's behaviors, from their silence to their violence, from their gender-reveal parties to their big white weddings. Even my attacker. He was so filled with shame because of what masculinity had done to him that upon seeing my difference, he lashed out at me with his fists. Rather than curing my shame, I had to work hard to reimagine it as something that we all carry around with us, like little pebbles attached to our back in a rucksack.我对此着迷了。我开始四处寻找，看到人们行为中的耻辱，从他们的沉默到他们的暴力，从他们的性别暴露派对到他们的大型白人婚礼。甚至我的攻击者。他因为男子气概对他所做的一切而感到非常羞耻，看到我的不同，他用拳头猛烈抨击我。我没有治愈我的耻辱，而是努力工作，将它重新想象成我们都随身携带的东西，就像背在背包里的小鹅卵石。It's something that affects us all, that causes harm in us all and causes us to perpetuate harm outwards to others too. I also realized I was existing in a complicated interplay of narcissism, self-hate and shame too, where I wanted everyone to accept everything about me. And until then, until that moment, I would see something monstrous in the mirror. But I realized that I don't need everyone to accept everything about me.它会影响我们所有人，对我们所有人造成伤害，并导致我们也将伤害延续到他人身上。我也意识到我存在于自恋、自恨和羞耻的复杂相互作用中，我希望每个人都能接受关于我的一切。在那之前，直到那一刻，我会在镜子里看到一些可怕的东西。但我意识到我不需要每个人都接受关于我的一切。Jan down the SPAR shop who sells fags has way bigger problems than my gender, my class, my sexuality. She's got her own shame to deal with. But what we do need -- well, I need -- is the ability to live safely. The ability to walk down the street in drag and not have some homophobic passerby do what he did to me.简在卖同性恋的SPAR商店里遇到的问题比我的性别、我的阶级、我的性取向要大得多。她有自己的耻辱要处理。但我们确实需要——嗯，我需要——是安全生活的能力。能够穿着随意走在街上，而不会像他对我所做的那样让一些恐同的路人做同样的事情。And the way we do that is by doing some shame-work. It's about looking inside and realizing that all the boxes that had been put there by the world are a lie. All the things that you've had to shave off to make yourself smooth, bring them back. There's power there, there's value there. There's beauty there. Shame-work is social work -- it's time we all did a bit. These days, I find it easy to look in the mirror.我们这样做的方式是做一些羞耻的工作。这是关于向内看并意识到世界上放置的所有盒子都是谎言。所有你为了让自己光滑而不得不剃掉的东西，把它们带回来。那里有权力，那里就有价值。那里有美。羞耻工作是社会工作——是时候我们都做一点了。这些天，我发现照镜子很容易。Thank you for coming to my TED talk.谢谢你收看我的 TED 演讲。 Remark：一切权益归TED所有，更多TED相关信息可至官网www.ted.com查询！
