如何克服社交焦虑？年轻人贵在有一股“傻逼劲儿”

可以先看视频，再对应文字

      年轻人被动社恐，也许只是因为比别人多懂那么一点点：过早地知道这个社会把人分成三六九等，过早地给自己认定一个社会位置，过早地被社会告知要脱掉孔乙己的长衫，虽然自己目前还不一定有孔乙己的水平。

        但也正因为这一点点的“自知之明”和“俗世智慧”，断送了自己初生牛犊不怕虎闯劲，错过了年轻人的那种特有的却十分珍贵的“傻逼劲儿”——从而不会不计成败利钝的去行动、争取和付出。总计较微不足道的得失，害怕被拒绝甚至害怕成功，总是活在自己的小确幸里。等青春不在，岁月蹉跎，回看这种看似深刻的社恐，其实也没有多深刻。

中英双语文稿

假设你有社交焦虑

look let's say you're socially anxious okay

有社交焦虑之后 你会怎样?

so what happens when you're socially anxious

你去参加派对 心跳得厉害 为什么?

you go to a party your heart's beating why

派对就像洪水猛兽 为什么?

the party is a monster why

因为它在评判你

because it's judging you

派对会评判你

and it's judging you

把你打入优势等级的底层

it's putting you low down the dominance hierarchy

这就是负面评判

because that's what a negative judgement is

它会削弱你的性魅力

and that interferes with your sexual success

意味着你接受着自然界的火烫审视

and that means that you're being 

harshly evaluated by nature itself right

当你去社交场合时

so you are confronting the dragon of chaos

你面对一条代表混沌的恶龙

when you go into the social situation

这时的你怎么办?

and so what do you do

你这样

you like this

蜷缩着身体

take you hunched over

没什么气场

and that's a little dominance

我人畜无害

I'm no threat

可这并不会帮到你什么

it's like well that's not going to get you very far

但是面对暴君时 这倒是个办法

you know but that's a logical thing to do

 in the in the face of a tyrant

我是一介草民

so I'm no threat you know

我要是瞧暴君一眼 我就死定了

you look at the king in your dead

我人畜无害 我弯腰驼背

I'm no threat I'm hunched over

那此时你内心里的想法是

and then what's happening internally how are

别人会怎样看我

what are people thinking about me

 what are people thinking about me

我是不是看起来很傻

am I looking stupid

是不是像个蠢货

am I looking foolish

天哪 我太尬了 不想呆在这 出了很多汗

jeez I'm awkward I hate being here man I'm sweating too much

这些局促的感受全都被内化

it's all internalized right

全都以自我为中心

it's all self focused

此时的眼睛 什么都没在看

the the the eye isn't work the eye isn't working

你对这种人该说什么?

what do you tell people

不要告诉他们 别想了 因为他们做不到的

stop don't stop thinking about yourself because you can't

就好比我说 不要想那头「白色的大象」

it's like don't think of a white elephant

你只会不停地想 白色大象 白色大象

white elephant white elephant white elephant

你不能告诉他们停止想一件事

you can't tell someone to stop thinking about something

因为那只会让他们陷入不停地想下去的怪圈

because they get caught in the loop

对待有社交焦虑的人 你应该说

what you do with socially anxious people is you say

看着其他人 看着他们

look at other people look at them right

为什么?

why

因为如果你看着其他人 你能看出他们在想什么

because if you look at them you can tell what they're thinking

除非你真的完全没办法社交

and then you unless you're

 unless you're terribly socialized

有些人是完全没有交流能力的

and some people are some people have no social skills

他们不去参加派对

and so the reason they can't go to a party

是因为他们连自我介绍都做不到

is because they don't even know how to introduce themselves

就好像从来没有人教过他们该怎么社交

like they're just no one ever taught them how to behave

这些人很适合去接受行为治疗

and so they're really good candidates for behavior therapy

这样治疗师可以一步步地向他们展示

because you walk them through the process of

 how you actually manifest

什么是社会认可的行为

 the procedures that are associated with social acceptability

但大多数人都没这个问题

but most people aren't like that

至少有一点社交能力

they have the ability

就算他们真得内向到有些神经质

so if they're really introverted in highest neuroticism

他们却可以很自然地和别人一对一聊天

they can usually talk quite well to someone one-on-one

为什么?

why

因为他们会注视着对方

because they look at them

如果我注视着你

well if I look at you

对了 大家在面对一群人讲话时 有一件事要注意

another thing to do if you're ever speaking to a group of people

永远不要对着「群体」讲话

never speak to the group of people

因为群体并不真实存在

that doesn't exist

你是和群体里的个体在对话

you talk to individuals

这些个体的反应会反射整个群体

and then they reflect for you the entire group

因为他们在群体中相互作用

because they're all entrained

你看着某个人 他就会向你反馈其他人的想法

you look at one person

 they've broadcast to you what everyone's thinking

只和一个交谈的话

and you know how to talk to one person

你总会的吧

so it's easy

只要你能把注意力放到这个人身上 而非自己身上

so as soon as you focus on the person not you

向外扩散你的注意力

you push your attention outward

用眼睛看 扩散你的注意力

use your eye push your attention outward

你开始观察

and you start watching

这时自我调节机制就开始运作了

well then all your automatic mechanisms kick in

你也显得自然多了

and you stop being awkward

如果我们俩在交谈 然后我却看着这边

because if we're talking and I'm looking here

我不可能知道你接下来会做什么

I don't know what you're going to do next

我把交流给打断了

and I'm going to put disjunctions into the like

就像是乐曲种混入了不和谐的旋律

they're like bad chords in the melody of our of our conversation

原因就是 我的注意力不在交流上了

because the reason is I'm not paying attention

所以 上帝之眼 把眼睛放在金字塔图形的顶端

so that's why the eye is the thing at the top of the pyramid

注：上帝之眼（Eye of Providence）是一个金字塔符号，眼睛在塔顶

让你在各种优势等级里

it's like the thing that enables you to win the set of

保持优势的关键就是 眼睛

all possible dominant hierarchy is the eye

要专注 注意力是关键

pay attention pay attention that's the critical issue

这也是为什么埃及人敬奉荷鲁斯

that's why the Egyptians worshipped Horus

注：古代埃及神话中法老的守护神，是王权的象征。他的形象是一位隼头人身的神祇。

也是为什么 荷鲁斯能挽救欧西里斯于生死间

that's why Horus was the thing that rescued Osiris from the from the death

注：欧西里斯（Osiris）是埃及神话中的冥王，九柱神之一，他是一位反复重生的神。

关键就在于有专注的能力

it's the capacity to pay attention

你最关注的是什么呢?

what do you pay attention to most

人的右脑信号往往是不寻常的

what your right hemisphere signals is anomalous

会吸引你的注意力

it attracts your attention

你感觉事情好像不对劲

it's like this isn't going quite right

我不要看

I'm not looking at that

错了

wrong

你要睁眼看

that's what you look at

你要睁眼看

that's what you look at

看看是什么出问题了

what's not going right

虽然你面对的场面可能让你感觉如被恶兽撕裂一般

because that's see that's the terrible monster that might eat you

但你只有正视它 你才能获取信息

but it's also the place you get all the information

因此 和敌手过招是有益的

so that's why it's useful

 to have discussions with your enemies

因为他们告诉你你不知道的事

because they will tell you things you do not know

这一点非常关键

and that's such a great thing

如果你不知道这些事

because if you don't know them

那你绝对算不上聪明

well you're not very smart are you

某一刻你到了某个地方

you know there may be a time when you go somewhere

那正是因为你需要知道点什么

that's the thing you need to know

可能你的对手会让你明白 你多么愚蠢

and maybe your enemy will tell you why you're such a fool

可能让你意识到 你想错了很多事

you know a bunch of other things that aren't true -

即便只想错了一件事 也是准确的反馈

but even one thing that's accurate

你这时会觉得 很棒 感谢我的敌手 我会改善这一点

it's like yeah thanks very much man maybe I'll do some work on that

我不会继续犯同样的错误

I won't have to carry that forward

这也能说明为什么那些社会中的强势捕食者

so and then that's part of the reason again why the terrible predator

他们总能占据最好的资源

it's always the terrible predator that has the gold

他们所传达的信息 恰恰是你没有认真听的

it's like it's the person who delivers the message you do not want to hear

很残酷 现实很残酷 但人生就是如此

so it's rough it's rough but it doesn't matter life is rough

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向老师简介

        向杨，芝加哥大学社会学博士在读。四川大学生物技术基地班本科，芝加哥大学政治学与社会学硕士。“羊说”公众号创办人，专访众多政治、社会、文化界领袖。十二年持续从事英语教学和管理。

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