心科普
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我们经常做的2件事让生活变得更糟
忽视我们的弱点和长处如何导致潜能得不到发挥？
本文要点：
·接纳并不是喜欢或认可某种情况，而是不加评判地承认现实。
·接纳能帮助我们从阻抗转为采取行动，处理我们能控制的事情。
·练习接纳可以培养心理韧性，改善心理和情绪健康。
在生活中，我们会遇到许多挑战和不合时宜的不公平情况。这些都是人之常情，我们往往无法控制。然而，我们可以控制的是如何应对它们。我们可以通过接纳来避免不必要的痛苦。
想象一下，你正期待着晨练，却发现窗外下起了雨。你开始咒骂这场雨破坏了你的计划，并用“真不敢相信！”和“为什么是今天！”之类的话来表达你对这种情况的震惊。这种最初的沮丧是很自然的，你可以花很多时间去阻抗或希望事情有所不同，但你仍然无法改变下雨的事实。
另一方面，如果你承认自己的挫败感，接受雨天的事实，那么你就可以把精力放在决定如何继续你的一天，这可能仅仅是拿起雨伞和雨衣去散步而已。把注意力从无法控制的事情转移到可以控制的事情上，你就会把自己置于行动和前瞻性思维的位置。
阻抗与接纳
就像下雨一样，当不利的情况发生，困难的情绪出现时（比如愤怒、悲伤、内疚、沮丧、焦虑），我们可以选择以阻抗或接纳的方式来应对。
让我们来看看两者的区别：
阻抗问题（让你停滞不前）
· 为什么会发生在我身上？
· 他们为什么要这么做？
· 我们所做的一切都是正确的，那么为什么会发生这种情况？
接纳问题（让你摆脱困境）
· 我下一个正确的决定是什么？
· 我可以控制什么？
· 我该如何应对这一困难局面？
我们很容易倾向于那些让我们陷入困境的问题。它们很容易触及，尤其是在我们感到疲惫或不知所措的时候，但它们却具有局限性。我们甚至会发现自己一直沉浸在没有答案的问题中，这只会让我们陷入困境。
接纳通常是做出任何改变的第一步。我们的目标是不再问“为什么？”的问题，转而问以行动为导向的“怎么做？”和“做什么？”的问题。
什么是“接纳”（以及它不是什么）
接纳是一个积极的过程，是一个不带评判地看待现实的过程。它理解你能控制的和你不能控制的之间的区别。通过接纳的练习，你可以为自己的体验以及随之而来的痛苦和不舒服的想法和感受留出了空间。接纳就是承认当前的现状，而不是过去的状况或你认为应该的状况，并利用你的技能做出适当的反应。
我认为，围绕着“接纳”所产生的许多困难，归根结底是对“接纳”的理解有误。很多人把接纳等同于认可。但事实并非如此。接纳并不意味着你喜欢、想要、支持或选择你所接受的东西。它不是放弃、失去希望或丧失能动性。它也不是被动、安于现状或冷漠。实际上，接纳的情况恰恰相反。
乔恩·卡巴特·津恩（Jon Kabat-Zinn）用这些话对此进行了精辟的总结：“无论如何想象，接纳都并不意味着消极顺从。恰恰相反，接纳是接受现状，尤其是当你不喜欢它的时候，这需要巨大的毅力和动力，然后在你所处的环境中，发现并利用你所掌握的内在和外在资源，尽可能明智而有效地工作，以减轻、治愈、调整和改变可以改变的事情。”
为什么要练习接纳？
练习接纳是一个需要时间、空间和意图的过程。现实是，我们有很多机会去练习，无论是选择接受我们的过去、我们的情绪、我们的思想、外部事件，甚至是其他人。以下是练习接纳的五个好处：
1. 接纳能帮助我们确认自己的情绪体验——当我们不加评判地承认并接纳自己的情绪时，我们就会认识到它们是对我们所处环境的自然反应，而不是需要压抑或否定的东西。这种认可为自我同情创造了空间，也是对人性的尊重。
2. 接纳有助于我们的心理和情绪健康——阻抗、否认或回避现实和困难情绪需要付出努力，而且往往会延长痛苦。研究表明，那些努力接纳自己的心理体验而不是评判它们的人，心理健康程度更高（Ford 等人，2017年）。
3. 接纳有助于培养心理复原力——在我的著作《暴风雨中的平静》中，我将接纳概括为复原力的五大支柱之一。当我们能从挑战或困难中退后一步并接受它时，我们就能更好地渡过难关。
4. 接纳能帮助我们转移注意力并采取适当的行动——从阻抗或希望事情有所不同转变为以接纳的态度来应对，有助于减少我们内心的挣扎。当我们看到并接受事情的现状时，我们就更容易将精力和注意力投入到寻找解决方案和建设性地向前迈进上。
5. 接纳能提高生活满意度，有助于增强内心的平和感——开放并愿意为不舒服的想法和情绪留出空间，能让我们活得更有意义、更自由（Wojnarowska 等人，2020年）。当我们不再耗费精力去对抗无法控制的事物时，我们就会敞开心扉，获得更多的满足感和更深的幸福感。
总结
通过每天练习接纳小小的不便（如天气、打翻咖啡、交通堵塞或会议取消），我们可以为未来建立并加强神经联系。当然，对我们来说，接受雨天比接受经济困难、糟糠的健康诊断或损失等事情要容易得多，但这种接纳的想法本身是一样的。当我们接受现实时，我们就会放松这些事件和经历对我们的束缚，为成长创造更多空间。
让这成为一个温和的邀请，让你自己放下不再需要的东西，为了你的情感健康而继续前进。放慢脚步，感受你的感受，接受你无法改变的事情，选择把精力和注意力放在寻找下一个正确的方向上。
How the Practice of Acceptance Can Help You Get Unstuck
Shifting focus from what you can’t control to what you can control.
KEY POINTS
·Acceptance isn’t about liking or approving a situation; it’s about recognizing reality without judgement.
·Acceptance helps us move from resisting to taking action and working with what is within our control.
·Practicing acceptance can foster resilience and lead to improved mental and emotional well-being.
In life, we will experience many challenges and untimely and unfair circumstances. They come with being human and are often beyond our control. What we do have control over, however, is how we respond to them. We can avoid unnecessary suffering through the practice of acceptance.
Imagine looking forward to your morning walk, only to look out your window and see that it’s raining. You start cursing the rain for ruining your plans and vocalize your disbelief of the circumstances with things like, “I can’t believe this!” and “Why today?!” This initial frustration is natural, and you can spend so much time resisting or wishing that things were different, and yet you still won’t be able to change the fact that it’s raining.
On the other hand, if you acknowledge your frustration and accept that the rain just is, then you can put your energy into deciding how to proceed with your day, which may simply involve grabbing an umbrella and raincoat and going for the walk anyway. By shifting focus from what’s outside of your control to what’s within your control, you put yourself in a place of action and forward-focused thinking.
Resistance Versus Acceptance
Just as with the rain, when an unfavorable situation occurs and difficult emotions arise (think anger, sadness, guilt, frustration, anxiety), we can choose to react with resistance or acceptance.
Let’s look at the difference:
Resistance Questions (Keep You Stuck)
· Why is this happening to me?
· Why would they do that?
· We did everything right, so why did this happen?
Acceptance Questions (Get You Unstuck)
· What is my next right decision?
· What is within my control?
· How can I navigate this difficult situation?
It is easy for us to lean towards the questions that keep us stuck. They are easily accessible, especially when we feel tired or overwhelmed, but they are limiting. We may even find ourselves dwelling on questions that have no answers, which only keeps us trapped.
Acceptance is typically the first step to making any change. The goal is to move away from asking the "why?" questions and move forward with the action-oriented “how?" and "what?" questions instead.
What Acceptance Is (and What It Is Not)
Acceptance is the active process of seeing reality as it is, without judgment. It is understanding the difference between what you can control and what you can’t. Through the practice of acceptance, you are making space for your experience along with the painful and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings that come with it. It is the acknowledgment of the present for what it is, rather than what used to be or what you think should be, and utilizing your skills to respond appropriately.
I believe that much of the difficulty surrounding acceptance comes down to a misunderstanding of what acceptance looks like. Many people equate acceptance with approval. But this is not true. Acceptance doesn’t mean you like, want, support, or would choose what you are accepting. It is not giving up, losing hope, or relinquishing agency. It is also not passivity, settling, or apathy. In reality, acceptance is quite the opposite.
Jon Kabat-Zinn summed this up beautifully with these words: “Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.”
Why Practice Acceptance?
Practicing acceptance is a process that takes time, space, and intention. The reality is that we are given many opportunities to practice—whether by choosing to accept our past, our emotions, our thoughts, external events, and even other individuals. Here are five benefits of practicing acceptance:
1. Acceptance helps us validate our emotional experience – When we acknowledge and accept our emotions without judgment, we recognize that they are a natural response to our circumstances, rather than something to be suppressed or dismissed. This validation creates space for self-compassion and honours our humanity.
2. Acceptance supports our mental and emotional well-being – Resisting, denying, or avoiding reality and difficult emotions takes effort and often prolongs suffering. Research shows that those who work to accept their mental experiences, rather than judge them, have better psychological health (Ford et al., 2017).
3. Acceptance helps foster resilience – In my book, Calm Within the Storm, I outline acceptance as one of five key pillars of resiliency. When we can step back from and accept a challenge or hardship, we are better able to navigate our way through.
4. Acceptance helps us shift our attention and take appropriate action – Shifting from resisting or wishing things were different to responding with acceptance helps to reduce our internal struggle. When we see and accept things as they are, it becomes easier for us to direct our energy and attention into finding solutions and moving forward constructively.
5. Acceptance enhances life satisfaction and contributes to a greater sense of inner peace – Being open and willing to make space for uncomfortable thoughts and emotions can allow us to live more meaningfully and freely (Wojnarowska et al., 2020). When we no longer expend energy fighting against what is beyond our control, we open ourselves up to greater contentment and a deeper sense of well-being.
Final Thoughts
By practicing acceptance daily with what may be the little inconveniences (the weather, spilling a coffee, traffic, or a cancelled meeting), we create and strengthen neural connections for the future. Of course, it is easier for us to come to accept the rain than it is for us to accept something like a financial hardship, life-altering diagnosis, or loss, yet the idea remains the same. When we accept our reality for what it is, we loosen the grip these events and experiences hold on us and create more space for growth.
Let this be a gentle invitation to allow yourself to let go of what is no longer needed to be able to move on for the sake of your emotional health. Slow down, feel your feelings, accept what you cannot change, and choose to put your energy and focus into finding your next right step.
翻译 | 丁艺
编辑 | 杨悦
