心科普
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如何真正支持他人
11种练习同理心响应的方法
本文要点：
· 当亲人遇到困难时，倾听并表现出同理心可以加深你们的关系。
· 我们对同理心的能力各不相同；并非每个人都能轻松做到。
· 首先询问他们需要你如何帮助，并提醒自己不需要掌握所有答案。
你知道如何真正支持某人吗？
我们每个人对同理心的能力不同——同理心是指能够与他人的痛苦建立联系，使他们感到被支持和理解。有些人可以轻松做到这一点，而对另一些人来说，这种联系的想法却让他们感到极为恐惧。
如果你倾向于属于后者，但想要帮助一个正在挣扎的亲人，以下11条建议可能会让你更容易建立联系。
1.询问他们需要你如何倾听。
如果他们已经告诉你他们只需要有人倾听，那么就照做。不要尝试解决问题。
2.出现即可。
通常你能给出的最重要的礼物就是你的存在。你不需要任何答案。只需出现，允许对方展现他们的脆弱或任何他们愿意或能够分享的情感。
3.放下自我。
在治疗过程中，有时我会前倾去倾听某人讲述他们的故事，我意识到我想给他们一个好主意或说出完美的话。相反，我会想象我的自我漂出窗外，然后我才能真正投入到当下。
4.尊重他们的观点——在提供其他观点之前先询问。
假设你的朋友发现他们的伴侣出轨了，而他们现在能想到的只是这一定是他们自己的错。“我不够性感，”他们说。“我赚的钱不够。”你根本不相信这些，但这就是你听到的内容。坚持陪伴他们，评论这种感觉有多糟糕。让自责正常化（“很多人在一开始都会责怪自己。”）。然后，当时机成熟时，询问他们是否想听听你对他们感受的看法。
5.等待。
在危机中支持某人的一部分是意识到愤怒需要时间平息，悲伤需要时间缓解，尤其是震惊需要时间消退——这可能需要几分钟、几小时、几天或几周。特别是震惊是一种保护机制。它简化了事情，帮助你一次处理一件事，随着事情的发生而应对。它会减弱你的情感——或者至少可能如此。要有耐心，等待你的亲人度过他们的初步情绪反应。如果时间过长，你可以建议他们寻求治疗。
6.注意你的感受，并将其放在一边，直到你有时间处理它们。
支持他人并不意味着你自己不应该有感受。你当然会有感受，而且你处理这些感受非常重要。
7.提出问题帮助他们深入思考——而不是你认为需要了解的问题。
你的任务是帮助某人“深入”他们所谈论的感觉或状态，比如可以问：“你这种感觉持续多久了？”你可能不需要问，“嗯，我让你有这种感觉了吗？”这关乎你自己，而不是他们。
8.如果他们变得过于激动或痛苦，建议寻求专业帮助。
假设这个人陷入了痛苦中，而你意识到自己感到不堪重负。你可以温和地说出来。“天哪，这些问题可能超出了我的帮助范围。我肯定可以倾听。但让我帮你找到合适的帮助。”
9.注意非语言提示。
注意对方的身体语言可能会很有帮助。他们是否经常叹气？他们的呼吸正常吗，还是需要更深地呼吸？他们是否紧张得像是马上要跳起来？你甚至可以说，“哇，你刚才叹的气很深。”他们会知道你在关注他们。
10.记住，支持别人并不意味着把他们的挣扎当成自己的。
Olivia Newton-John在她的歌曲《Let Me Be There》中唱道：“让我陪伴你的早晨 / 让我陪伴你的夜晚 / 让我改变所有错误的事 / 并让一切变得正确（make it right）。”这是很糟糕的建议！首先，你无法日夜陪伴——你有自己的生活——你也无法让一切变得正确。相反，专注于简单地在那里支持对方。
11.提醒他们自己的力量，而不是使用陈词滥调。
“你会挺过去的”之类的陈词滥调虽然很容易说出口，而且也无法反驳，但并不总是有用。类似“你会挺过去的，但要知道挺过去可能会伴随挣扎。挣扎是正常的”可能更有帮助，因为你在提醒他们，即使在他们可能难以意识到或连接到自己力量的时刻，他们的力量依然存在。他们可能会感到失落，但他们的力量仍然存在。
How to Get the Partner You Most Want to Have
In the quest to get—and keep—a partner, this brief experiment might be revealing.
KEY POINTS
· When a loved one is struggling, listening empathically can deepen your connection.
· We all have differing capacities for empathy; it doesn't come easy to everyone.
· Start by asking what they need from you—and remind yourself that you don't need to have all the answers
Do you know how to be there for someone?
We all have differing capacities for empathy—the ability to connect with someone’s pain with the hope that they feel supported and understood. Some do this quite easily, whereas the very idea of this kind of connection scares the living daylights out of others.
Do you know how to be there for someone?
We all have differing capacities for empathy—the ability to connect with someone’s pain with the hope that they feel supported and understood. Some do this quite easily, whereas the very idea of this kind of connection scares the living daylights out of others.
If you're closer to the latter end of the spectrum but want to help a loved one who is struggling, these 11 suggestions could help connection come more easily.
1.Ask how they need you to listen.
If they’ve told you already that they need someone to simply listen to them, then do just that. Don’t problem-solve.
2.Show up.
Often the most important gift you can give is your presence. You don't have to have any answers. Just show up and let someone reveal their vulnerability or whatever emotions they're willing or able to share.
3.Let your ego go.
There are times in therapy when, as I lean forward to hear someone tell their story, I realize that I want to give them a great idea or say the perfect thing. Instead, I literally imagine my ego floating out the window and staying there. Then I can lean in and truly be in the moment.
4.Respect their perspective—and ask before you give another perspective.
Let’s say your friend found out their partner cheated—and all they can think about right now is how it must be their fault. “I’m not sexy enough,” they say. "I don’t make enough money." You don’t believe this at all, but that's what you're hearing. Hang in there with them and comment about how awful that must feel. Normalize that self-blame ("There are a lot of people who blame themselves at first.") Then, when it’s time, ask them if they’d like your perspective on what they’re feeling.
5.Wait.
Part of being there for someone in a crisis is realizing that it can take time for anger to subside, sadness to abate, and especially for shock to wear off—it may take minutes, hours, days, or weeks. Shock, in particular, is protective. It simplifies things and helps you deal with one thing at a time, as those things come to you. It dulls your emotions—or can. Be patient as your loved one moves through their initial emotional response. If the time becomes too long, you might suggest therapy.
6.Notice how you’re feeling and tuck it away until you have time to process it.
Being there certainly doesn’t mean you’re supposed to not have feelings yourself. Of course you will, and it’s so important that you work through those feelings yourself.
7.Ask questions to help them go deeper—not the questions that you think you need to know.
Your job is to help someone “go deeper” into the feeling or state of being they’re talking about, with questions like, “How long have you felt that way?” You probably don't need to ask, “Well, do I make you feel that way?” That’s about you, not them.
8.If they’re becoming too agitated or too distraught, suggest going to a professional clinician.
Let’s say the person is getting very lost in their pain and you realize you’re feeling overwhelmed. You can say that gently. “Gosh, these issues may be beyond me to help you with. I can listen for sure. But let me help you find the right kind of help.”
9.Notice non-verbal clues.
Paying attention to what the person’s body may be saying can be very helpful. Are they sighing a lot? Is their breathing normal or do they need to breathe more deeply? Are they clamping down, literally looking like they’re about to jump out of their skin? It may even be helpful to say, “Wow, that sigh was a deep one.” They'll know you're seeing them.
10.Remember that being there doesn't mean taking on the struggle as if it were yours.
In her song "Let Me Be There," Olivia Newton-John sang: "Let me be there in your morning / Let me be there in your night / Let me change whatever's wrong / And make it right (make it right)." That’s terrible advice! First, you can’t be there night and day—you have your own life—and you can’t make anything right. Focus, instead, on simply being there.
11.Remind them of their strengths without using platitudes.
“You’ll get through this” and similar platitudes are often easy things to say that can’t really be argued with, but they aren't always useful. Something like “You’ll get through this, but know that getting through it can involve struggling. It’s OK to struggle" may be more helpful because you’re reminding them of their strength in a moment where it may be hard for them to realize or connect with their strength. They may be demoralized, but their strength is still there.
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翻译 | 周怡伶
编辑 | 董江海
