心科普
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单身时如何应对孤独
个人观点：分手后你能做些什么来应对孤独
我来告诉你为什么你感到孤独。因为你从亲密伴侣那里得到的东西是你从其他人那里得不到的。你感到孤独，因为你想要这些东西，但你还没有找到一个人来体验它们。没关系。别再评判和贴标签了。如果你还没睡，你会觉得累的。
如果你有一段时间没有爱过任何人，你会渴望这种经历并感到孤独。但孤独感和“我很孤独”之间是有区别的。一种是一种经历，一种来来去去的感觉。另一种是身份，与你的价值感紧密相连。你不仅意识到了这种感觉，还赋予了它额外的意义。但这不是你的错。这个结已经被社会结了。不管你是否知道，你已经被编程了。
孤独是需要克服的挣扎。一旦你征服了它，只有这样你才会感到快乐。你可以理解这种感觉的根源，但理解它并不能消除它的真实性和持久性。这是一种持续的状态，会让你失去希望，怀疑我还能再找到爱吗？
当我们感到孤独的时间足够长时，我们开始相信没有人愿意和我们在一起。我们开始相信我们永远都是孤独的。孤独变成了绝望。这是一记两拳。但你并不孤独，因为你有棕色的眼睛或小脚。是时候重新评估形势了。你需要重新定义你的旧观念，不要再认为孤独就是孤独。
首先，当你感到孤独时，停止沉思。不要再问自己，你是否会找到你一直梦想的那种人。也许你不会。但如果这动摇了你的世界，你现在最不需要的就是一段关系。因为这种绝望只会毒害你所处的任何关系。
所以，让我们现在就解决你的恐惧，继续前进。深呼吸，问问自己以下问题：如果你永远找不到伴侣怎么办？
你的心跳停止了吗？它可能有一秒钟，但不管你有什么感觉，你仍然很有活力。我不是说你永远找不到爱。我的意思是，你让这个迫在眉睫的问题像乌云一样跟着你，是什么剥夺了你生活的活力。这个巨人——如果你一直问自己——正在阻止你真正地生活。
相反，你在等待发生在你身上的事情，而这种等待会产生孤独的感觉。但实际上，你挣扎的不是孤独。从本质上讲，这是一种根深蒂固的信念，即你永远都是孤独的。这是绝望。这就是致残的原因。要打开灯，摆脱这个沉重的阴影，你必须直面这个信念。怎么做？完全接受。
激进的接受是按照生活的条件接受生活，而不是抵制你无法改变的东西。激进的接受意味着对生活说“是”，就像它本身一样。
这并不意味着放弃爱情。这并不意味着否认你的欲望。当然，这并不意味着让自己“退出市场”，删除所有约会应用程序，每天晚上呆在家里。这实际上意味着完全相反：走出去生活。停止等待、希望和恐惧。不过，在你这样做之前，你必须接受永远找不到你的“那个”的可能性。同样，这并不意味着你不会。
接受只是意味着，如果你没有找到那个人，你的世界就不会结束。你仍然会建立一个美好而有意义的生活。我帮助许多客户在没有伴侣的情况下建立了美好的生活。来找我的客户是因为他们觉得不完整，而不是因为他们没有找到自己的客户。那些开始将生命筹码从我们转移到我身上，并开始押注自己的人。
你越是接受这个事实，你就越早不再觉得单身与较低的价值感有关，你越少告诉自己你需要找到一个快乐的人，你就越多地出现在你的生活中，而不是痴迷于未来。
接受这个事实，你会开始朝自己跑去，而不是投入下一个来的人的怀抱。当你遇到某人时——因为你当然会——你会带来一套更有趣、更有吸引力的技能和经验。你会遇到一个能分享你当前快乐的人，而不是一个能把你从困境中拯救出来的人。
看，没有人想独处。不是你。不是我。我们都想和别人分享我们的生活。十年前，有个问题：如果我永远找不到伴侣怎么办？会让我的灵魂沉没。想象自己独自生活让我害怕。没有人可以一起吃饭。没有人可以持有或思考。但十年前，我没有多少生活。这就是我当时和现在的区别。我同样是一个无可救药的浪漫主义者。我不想要更少的爱。我现在的生活更丰富、更完整。一种不依赖于和某人在一起的生活。
爱情和人际关系只是你生活的一部分，而不是你的整个生活。
你生活中还有很多其他方面是有意义和充实的。你的艺术，你的事业。锻炼你的声音，以及你将在这个世界上留下的印记。你的友谊。你的家人。你的激情和爱好。你的好奇心会引导你去探索、学习、成长和扩展。当你真正建立自己的生活，一个对你诚实并独立的生活时，对孤独的恐惧开始消退。
How to Deal With Loneliness When You're Single
Personal Perspective: What you can do about loneliness after a break up
I’ll tell you why you feel lonely. Because what you get from an intimate partner is something you can’t get from anyone else. You feel lonely because you want these things and you haven’t found someone to experience them with. And that’s okay. Stop judging and labeling it. If you haven’t slept, you’re going to feel tired.
If you haven’t loved anyone in a while, you’re going to crave that experience and feel lonely. But there’s a difference between the feeling of loneliness and “I am lonely.” One is an experience, a feeling that comes and goes. The other is an identity, tightly tied to your sense of worth. Instead of just being aware of the feeling, you have attached added meaning to it. But it’s not your fault. That knot has been tied by society. Whether you know it or not, you have been programmed.
Loneliness is the struggle that needs to be overcome. Once you conquer it, only then will you feel happy. You can understand the roots of this feeling, but understanding it doesn’t take away how real and constant it is. It’s an ongoing state that can make you lose hope and wonder, will I ever find love again?
When we feel loneliness for long enough, we start to believe no one wants to be with us. We start to believe we will always be alone. The loneliness grows into hopelessness. It’s a one-two punch. But you are not lonely the way that you have brown eyes or small feet. It’s time to reevaluate the situation. You need to redefine your old concepts and stop assuming that being alone is the same as being lonely.
First, stop ruminating while you’re having that lonesome feeling. Stop asking yourself if you will ever find the kind of person you’ve always dreamed of. Maybe you won’t. But if that shakes your world, the last thing you need to be in right now is a relationship. Because that desperation will only poison whatever relationship you do find yourself in.
So let’s address your fear right now, head on. Take a deep breath and ask yourself the following question: What if you never find a partner?
Did your heart stop? It might have for a second, but despite what you may feel, you’re still very much alive. I’m not saying you will never find love. I’m saying that this looming question you allow to follow you around like a dark cloud is what’s stripping the vibrance out of your life. This giant what-if you keep asking yourself is preventing you from truly living.
Instead, you are waiting around for something to happen to you, and that waiting produces the feeling of loneliness. But it’s actually not loneliness you’re struggling with. At the core, it’s the deep belief that you will always be alone. It’s hopelessness. That’s what’s crippling. To turn the lights on and get rid of this heavy shadow, you must face this belief head on. How? Accept it. Fully.
Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot change. Radical acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is.
This doesn’t mean giving up on love. This doesn’t mean denying your wants. And it certainly doesn’t mean taking yourself “off the market,” deleting all your dating apps, and staying home every night. It actually means the complete opposite: Go out and live. Stop waiting, hoping, and being afraid. Before you can do this, though, you must be okay with the possibility of never finding your “one.” Again, that doesn’t mean you won’t.
Acceptance just means that, if you don’t find the one, your world will not end. You will still build a wonderful and meaningful life. I’ve helped many clients build amazing lives without a partner. Clients who came to see me because they felt incomplete and less than because they hadn’t found their one. People who started to move their life chips from we to me and started to bet on themselves.
The more you accept this truth, the sooner you will stop feeling that being single is linked to a lower sense of worth, the less you will tell yourself you need to find someone to be happy, and the more you will be present in your life instead of obsessing about the future.
Accepting this truth, you will start to run toward yourself instead of into the arms of the next person to come along. And when you do meet someone—because of course you will—you will bring a more interesting, alluring set of skills and experiences to the table. Instead of meeting someone who will save you from your situation, you will meet someone who can share your current joys.
Look, no one wants to be alone. Not you. Not me. We all want to share our life with someone else. Ten years ago, the question What if I never find a partner? would have sunk my soul. Imagining myself doing life alone terrified me. No one to share meals with. No one to hold or think about. But ten years ago, I didn’t have much of a life. And that’s the difference between me then and me now. I’m not any less of a hopeless romantic. I don’t want love any less. I just have a richer and more complete life now. A life that doesn’t hang on being with someone.
Love and relationships are only one part of your life, not your entire life.
There are so many other aspects of your life that are meaningful and fulfilling. Your art. Your career. Exercising your voice and the dent you’re going to make in this world. Your friendships. Your family. Your passions and hobbies. Your curiosity leads you to explore, learn, grow, and expand. When you actually build your own life, a life that is honest to you and stands on its own, the fear of being alone starts to fade.
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翻译 | 李梦迪
编辑 | 杨悦
