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两种方式，“反感”如何毁掉一段本可美好的关系
是你的“反感”在破坏你的联系，还是你太过愤世嫉俗
本文要点：
想象一下，你正在与某人进行第一次约会，一切似乎都进行得非常顺利。你们有很多话题可以聊，对方既吸引人、又风趣且善良。然而，在某个时刻，他们给你看了一张他们亲吻狗狗嘴巴的照片。突然之间，这位原本看似很有前途的人变得如此令人反感，你迫不及待地希望约会快点结束。
这种令人困惑的感觉在口语中被称为“反感”（the ick）。它指的是对潜在伴侣的瞬时厌恶，这种厌恶往往由某种特定的行为或性格特征所触发。这种厌恶感可能如此强烈，以至于它会突然熄灭任何浪漫的兴趣。
有趣的是，在日常社交互动中，突如其来的厌恶感可能是有益的。2012年《认知神经科学年鉴》上的一项研究发现，厌恶感有助于我们避免疾病或选择适合的伴侣，通过排斥违反社会规范的人来实现。然而，“反感”却扭曲了这种自然的防御机制。
只需在你的搜索引擎中输入这个词组，就能清楚地看到Z世代（Gen Z）是如何将其融入他们的约会文化中的。社交媒体，特别是像TikTok这样的平台，已成为“反感”言论的温床。视频和表情包列出了并剖析了各种小众的“反感点”，从看似无害的怪癖如过度分享到更严重的担忧，如控制欲强或粗鲁的性格。
虽然这可能让单身人士能够解决真正的不兼容问题，但这个看似轻松愉快的流行语也可能对初涉约会世界的年轻人造成心理伤害，使他们冲动地拒绝可能合适的伴侣。
以下是“反感”可能带来的两种危害：
1. 你错过了真诚的联系
一旦有人产生“反感”，他们往往会认为这段关系注定会失败。这些仓促的判断往往基于肤浅的信息，阻止了他们超越表面特征去发现更深层次的品质和共同价值观，而这些才是真诚联系的基础。
仔细审视后，最初触发“反感”的怪癖或行为可能是无害的，甚至可能是可爱的。在《危险信号》一书中，作者黛安娜·梅特卡夫（Diane Metcalf）讨论了区分可以忽略的无害反感点和真正的危险信号的重要性。
有些反感点，如表现出攻击性行为或对陌生人粗鲁，是严重问题的迹象，需要引起注意。然而，许多反感点，如令人厌烦的笑声或大声咀嚼，都是微不足道的担忧，不应成为结束潜在关系的理由。
因微不足道的理由（如打喷嚏太大声）而拒绝伴侣，可能会让你忽视他们可能提供的丰富积极品质。发展一段真正充实的关系需要时间、努力和一致性，在做出关于约会的决定之前，客观地评估反感的严重性和个人重要性是很重要的。
2. 你错过了个人成长的机会
TikTok上年轻女性因一个男孩的走路方式而产生反感的视频可能看起来只是无害、有趣的内容。然而，这种趋势可能也植根于深层的焦虑或对亲密关系的恐惧。
2022年《自然评论心理学》上的一项研究探讨了具有不安全依恋风格的人如何通过避免亲密关系来回避经历痛苦拒绝或遗弃的可能性。
然而，在试图保护自己的同时，这样的人可能会不知不觉地避开可能健康的关系。这也可能阻止他们理解和反思自己的触发点、偏见和偏好。
健康的关系需要沟通、妥协和理解。“反感”可能会阻止你同情并从他人的经历和行为中学习。如果你经常过早地结束关系，你可能对他人抱有不切实际的期望。培养容忍和接受他人不完美的能力对于让关系发挥作用至关重要。
2 Ways That The Ick Can Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship
Is it "the ick" harming your connection, or are you being a cynic?
KEY POINTS
Imagine being on a first date with someone, and things seem to be going really well. You have lots to talk about, and they’re attractive, funny, and kind. At some point, they show you a picture of them kissing their dog on the mouth. Suddenly, the person who seemed so promising becomes so repulsive that you cannot wait for the date to be over.
This confusing sensation is colloquially called “the ick.” It refers to an instantaneous aversion to a potential partner, often triggered by a specific behavior or personality trait. This sense of disgust can be so strong that it abruptly extinguishes any romantic interest.
Interestingly, an abrupt feeling of disgust can be beneficial in everyday social interactions. A 2012 study published in The Year in Cognitive Neuroscience found that a sense of disgust can help us avoid diseases or choose suitable partners by rejecting individuals who violate social norms. However, “the ick” has skewed this natural defense mechanism.
Simply typing the phrase into your search engine makes it clear how much Gen Z has adopted it into their dating culture. Social media, particularly platforms like TikTok, have become breeding grounds for “ick” discourse. Videos and memes list and dissect various niche “icks,” ranging from seemingly harmless quirks like oversharing to more serious concerns such as having a controlling or rude personality.
While it may allow singles to address real incompatibilities, this seemingly playful buzzword could also be psychologically harming young adults entering the dating world by making them impulsively dismiss potentially compatible partners.
Here are two reasons why giving in to “the ick” can be harmful.
1. You Miss Out on Genuine Connections
Once someone gets the ick, they tend to believe that the relationship is undoubtedly destined to fail. These snap judgments are often based on superficial information, preventing them from looking beyond surface-level traits to discover deeper qualities and shared values that could form the basis of a genuine connection.
Upon closer examination, quirks or behaviors that initially trigger an “ick” could be harmless or even endearing. In her book Red Flags, author Diane Metcalf discusses the importance of differentiating between harmless icks that can be overlooked and genuine red flags.
Some icks, like a person displaying aggressive behavior or being rude to strangers, are indicators of serious issues that warrant attention. However, many icks, such as an annoying laugh or chewing too loudly, are trivial concerns that should not end a potential relationship.
Dismissing partners for trivial reasons—like sneezing too hard—can make you overlook the abundance of positive qualities they may have to offer. It can take time, effort, and consistency to develop a truly fulfilling relationship and it’s important to objectively evaluate the severity and personal importance of an ick before making a decision about your date.
2. You Miss Out on Personal Growth
TikTok videos of young women getting the ick over a guy’s walk might seem like harmless, amusing content. However, this trend might also be rooted in deep-seated anxieties or a fear of intimacy.
A 2022 study published in Nature Reviews Psychology explores how individuals with insecure attachment styles can avoid intimate relationships to sidestep the possibility of experiencing painful rejection or abandonment.
However, in trying to protect themselves, such individuals may unknowingly avoid potentially healthy relationships. This can also prevent them from understanding and reflecting on their triggers, biases, and preferences.
Healthy relationships require communication, compromise, and understanding. The ick can prevent you from empathizing with and learning from others’ experiences and behaviors. If you frequently end relationships prematurely, you may be holding on to unrealistic expectations of others. Nurturing the ability to tolerate and accept imperfections in others is essential to making relationships work.
Navigating the ick is about balance and trusting your intuition rather than your immediate reactions to a person. While it is essential to recognize and respect your boundaries, allowing the ick to dictate your actions prevents you from forming a realistic and compassionate view of potential love interests.
Instead, by approaching dating with openness, self-awareness, and a willingness to look beyond initial impressions, you can utilize the concept of “the ick” as a tool for self-discovery and relationship growth rather than a barrier to connection.
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翻译 | 刘彦志
编辑 | 杨悦
