心科普
编者按：
“卷”成为2024年的流行词之一，你是不是每天也在“卷”的焦虑中拖延，因为情绪问题影响学习效率？很多年轻人都觉得自己有社交恐惧，你真的了解人际互动的艺术吗？进入大学的你是不是对原生家庭有了更多反思，但又总是雾里看花？贴心的SDS这次又为大家准备了“心科普”系列文章，帮你了解你的情绪，认识你的心灵，在北大更好学习和成长！
执着于成为一个好人的阴暗面
为什么成熟需要我们接受自己的缺点
本文要点：
· 完美主义者对成为好人不感兴趣，更在乎感觉和看起来像好人。
· 道德僵化虽然有些好处，但可能导致糟糕的决策。
· 我们的自尊可以基于我们的成熟度，而不是我们的完美度。
承认错误有时会让人感觉像被判了死刑。
我在其他地方曾指出，道德完美主义更多是关于得到认可，而不是客观的道德。这一点在我们能否承认错误以及如何对待与我们意见不同的人（即使我们认为他们是不道德的人）上显而易见。根据《精神障碍诊断与统计手册第五版》（DSM-5），强迫型人格障碍包括完美主义倾向，表明对规则的过度关注。人们常常认为完美主义象征着最高的道德价值。某种程度上确实如此，因为完美主义者通常极其严格地遵循他们的价值观，但这并不是全部。
当我们想到善良，想到一个人是否如表面上那样善良时，我们倾向于想象谦逊和努力回答道德的基本问题。我们如何融入自己做错事的认知？我们如何弥补？任何程度的残忍都是正当的吗？我们能在认为自己是好人的同时实际上成为好人吗？对立的道德观点是否有些许合理性？我们是否对他人的道德发展负有部分责任？我们的信念是否在伤害无辜的人？我们应该在乎吗？这些问题很难回答，让大多数人对自己在宇宙中的位置感到相当不确定。
然而，有些人对对错感到相当确定，试图将自己的世界观强加于他人（我自己也有这样的罪过），更糟的是，使用这些蓝图来表明自己的优越性。错误很少被承认，过去的错误判断也很少被考虑。大多数情况下，事情被解释为正当化所提到的各种残酷行为。这可以说是道德发展的青少年阶段——“我是对的，你是错的！”我常问人们，他们更喜欢哪种选择：认为自己是完美的，并得到他人的认同，还是努力实现自己的全部潜力？不幸的是，像任何其他在错觉与现实之间的选择一样，你不能两者兼得。许多人说他们更喜欢后者，才意识到自己应该但并没有。我们对群体安全的吸引力很强，对于完美主义者来说，这种吸引力更强。
承认错误或与自己的群体意见不一致，可能会感到恐惧，仿佛失去了某种重要的资格，永远无法重新获得。在HBO关于德国党卫军军官鲁道夫·赫斯家族的纪录片《指挥官的阴影》中，有一个场景是鲁道夫回忆他在大屠杀期间参与谋杀数百万犹太人的角色。虽然他提到有某种罪恶感，但很容易被他的责任感所取代。在电影中，鲁道夫被描述为一个完美主义者：刻板、专注于卓越、勤奋。他几乎完美地生活在他的价值观中；然而，世界上大多数人认为他是历史上最邪恶的人之一。人们可能认为他经历了一场内心斗争，我暗示赞成这种观点，但重要的区别在于他如何处理这种斗争；他用信念来压制它，而这种信念，他承认，仅仅偏袒特定群体。
虽然这个例子很极端，但它体现了认为自己是好人却实际上并不善良的现象。与许多其他纳粹将军一样，在他成年生活的一部分时间里，鲁道夫选择不承认任何错误，而是指出他认为自己在做好事；他的女儿甚至说她认为他是一个好人。（然而，在生命的最后，他被判处死刑，他承认自己对这些谋杀负责，并请求宽恕。）这对我们大多数人来说可能听起来荒谬，但想想你有多少次在乎做一个好人，而不是看起来和感觉像一个好人。你有多少次怀疑自己，并承认自己的道德不成熟？
要真正关心善良，一个人必须时刻意识到自己的不足；他们不能相信自己是完美的或将变得完美。所以，我们问我们的病人：对你来说，有意义的生活是什么？是变得更有意识并试图实现自己的潜力的生活吗？还是错误地相信自己已经实现了这一目标的生活？有些人决定把自己视为成熟而不是完美，学会与自己缺点的无情困扰共存。细微差别可能会消灭信念，但它也会消灭傲慢。
The Dark Side of Being Obsessed With Being a Good Person
Why maturity requires us to accept our flaws.
KEY POINTS
· Perfectionists are less interested in being good than feeling and appearing good.
· While moral rigidity has some upside, it can lead to terrible decisions.
· Our self-esteem can be based on how mature we are, rather than how perfect.
Admitting a mistake can sometimes feel like a death sentence.
I've argued elsewhere that moral perfectionism is less about objective morality and more about approval. This is apparent by how often we're able to admit our mistakes and how we treat those who disagree with us, even those whom we consider to be immoral. According to the DSM-5, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, which entails perfectionistic tendencies, indicates a preoccupation with rules. People often think of perfectionism as being symbolic of the highest moral values. While that is true in some sense, as perfectionists tend to be extremely rigid about following their values, there's more than meets the eye.
When we think of goodness, of someone who is as good as they appear to be, we tend to imagine humility and a struggle to answer the fundamental questions of morality. How do we incorporate the knowledge that we did something bad? How do we make amends? Is any degree of cruelty ever justified? Can we actually be good and believe we're good at the same time? Is it possible that there's some validity to an opposing moral view? Are we partially responsible for others' moral development? Are we harming innocent people with our convictions? Should we care? These questions are difficult to answer, leaving most of us feeling fairly unsure about our positions in the universe.
Yet, some of us feel fairly certain about right and wrong, seeking to impose our visions of the world onto others (I'm guilty of this as well), and, even worse, using those blueprints to indicate superiority. Seldom are mistakes admitted and past misjudgments considered. Things are most often explained in ways that justify whichever cruelties are referred to. Arguably, this may be considered the adolescent stage of moral development — "I'm right and you're wrong!" I often ask people what they would prefer: To think of yourself as being perfect and having others agree, or to try to reach your full potential? Unfortunately, as with any other choice between delusion and reality, you can't have both. Many say they prefer the latter only to realize that they should but don't. Our pull toward group safety is strong, and it's even stronger for perfectionists.
Admitting a mistake, or disagreeing with one's own group, can feel terrifying, as though one lost some significant qualification they'll never be able to earn back. In an HBO documentary on the family of German SS officer Rudolf Höss, titled The Commandant's Shadow, there's a scene in which Rudolph recounts his role in murdering millions of Jews during the holocaust. While noting that there's some sense of guilt, it's easily displaced by his sense of duty. In the film, Rudolph was described in ways one may describe a perfectionist: rigid, preoccupied with excellence, and diligent. He lived according to his values, almost flawlessly; yet, the majority of the world considers him to be one of the most evil individuals to have ever lived. One may consider what he experienced an inner struggle, which I implicitly advocated for, but the important difference here is how he managed it; he silenced it with conviction, which, he admitted, solely favored a specific group.
While this example is extreme, it epitomizes believing one is good without actually being good. As with many of the other Nazi generals, for part of his adult life, Rudolph chose not to admit any wrongdoing, instead noting that he believed he was doing good; his daughter even remarked that she considered him to have been a good person. (Near the end of his life, however, sentenced to death, he noted he was responsible for those murders, asking for forgiveness.) This may sound ridiculous to most of us, but consider how often you care about being good rather than looking and feeling good. How often do you doubt yourself and acknowledge your moral infancy?
To deeply care about goodness, one has to constantly be aware of how they fall short; they can't believe they're perfect or will ever become perfect. So, we ask our patients: What is a meaningful life to you? Is it one where you become more aware of and attempt to reach your potential? Or one where you erroneously believe you have already reached it? Some decide to conceive of themselves as mature instead of perfect, learning to live with the relentless haunting of their flaws. Nuance may kill conviction, but it takes hubris down with it.
翻译 | 周怡伶
编辑 | 杨悦
