心科普｜如何成为一个情商高的沟通者

心科普

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如何成为一个情商高的沟通者

发现有效沟通的关键原则，加强你的人际关系。

本文要点：

·有4种主要的沟通方式，我们倾向于使用1种或2种。

·自信是情商的基石，也是建立健康关系的重要技能。

·难以管理情绪是有效沟通最常见的障碍。

·练习自信需要持续的实践，但可以成为一种健康的习惯。

尽管我们可能总在试图避免进行困难的对话，但这件事实在是无法避免。两个人不可能总是有相同的需求、愿望、观点和能力。虽然令人情绪激动的话题和冲突的观点可能会让人相当不舒服，但解决这些问题反而可以建立信任、联系和安全感，加强关系。有效沟通有助于更深入地了解彼此，以及确保一个人未满足的需求不会被忽视并恶化成怨恨。

什么是情商高的沟通？

情商高的沟通包括语言和非语言技能的结合，这些技能是根据你与之交谈的人、互动的主题和背景（例如，环境、关系类型、角色、各方之间的“情感包袱”、过去未解决的冲突）量身定制的。

实践它需要以下条件：

· 识别和管理强烈的情绪

· 感受自己的情绪和他人的情绪

· 主张自己的需求，并提出合理的请求以满足这些需求

· 能够专心倾听并保持开放的心态

· 在避免惩罚行为的同时，回应和表达最重要的事情

· 相信决议符合双方的利益

· 意识到并尊重与他人的不同，包括他们情感体验的差异

四种常见的沟通风格

想要健康和有效沟通的原则，就要先看看四种常见的沟通风格。了解你通常的风格或在具有挑战性的互动中你倾向于默认的风格，可以帮助你建立更多的意识，并促进你注意到转向健康沟通风格的机会。

被动沟通

当你避免表达自己的意见、情感、观点或需求，并优先考虑他人的时候，就会发生被动沟通。由于未表达的需求不断积累，它们会积累成怨恨和烦恼，并达到一个点，即不能再回避表达它们。这可能导致情绪调节失常和愤怒的爆发。因为这种类型的沟通者很少会有爆炸性的爆发，所以表达强烈情绪可能会引起羞耻、内疚和懊悔，并促使他们迅速退回到被动沟通风格。被动沟通可以采取许多形式，可能看起来像：

· 通过反复把他人的需求置于自己之上来自我牺牲

· 未能坚持自己或自我辩护

· 允许他人为你做决定

· 隐藏自己的情绪、需求、观点或意见

· 在紧张、分歧或冲突期间避免眼神接触

· 以柔和或安静的声音说话

· 以道歉不自信的方式进行沟通

· 低头或使自己显得渺小

被动沟通者使用这种方法来避免可能的冲突、他人的评判，或来自自我表达的情感不适。因此，他们经常感到被困住、无助、焦虑或因为没有表达自己而怨恨。他们也可能感到困惑，并且在反复忽视自己的感受或需求后，难以知道自己的立场。此外，情感成熟度可能因为反复缺乏解决需求和解决分歧而受到阻碍。

攻击性沟通

攻击性沟通者倾向于强烈地表达自己和自己的情绪，而不考虑他人的需求、愿望或感受。他们以一种支配性和不妥协的风格表达自己，这可能让他人感到不尊重、傲慢或羞辱。他们的沟通通常伴随着打断他人、不充分倾听、防御以及频繁表达指责。随着时间的推移，攻击性沟通者可能会感到与他人疏远，拥有很少的亲密关系。他们经常经历短暂的关系，并感到被误解或不被他人喜欢。攻击性沟通可能看起来像：

· 快速表达不耐烦、易怒和攻击

· 以大声的语调说话

· 使用威胁性的身体姿势，例如靠近他人或指向他人

· 频繁打断

· 不愿意或无法考虑对方的经历

· 在很少的挑衅下就表达愤怒或防御

· 羞辱、指责或严厉批评他人

· 表达对他人没有达到不切实际的高标准的失望

· 不愿意妥协和/或坚持只有自己是“正确”的

攻击性沟通者通常使用这种方法来保持控制感，并避免感到不安全或焦虑。这种对他人生活施加不合理影响和控制的模式可以创造一种虚假的自信感，但它导致的关系是紧张的、缺乏亲密感的，因为其他人害怕与他们互动或向他们敞开心扉。通常，攻击性沟通者拥有令人不满意的关系，并感到孤立和被误解，从而加深了他们的不安全感。

被动攻击性沟通

当某人表面上显得被动和安静，但有一个观点、需求或情绪没有直接表达，而是间接和含糊地表达时，就会发生被动攻击性沟通。通过隐瞒自己的体验，那些反复未满足的需求就会累积成怨恨，最终通过居高临下、破坏或微妙的批评手段间接地表达出来。这通常是试图表达情感而不承担责任，并将责任推给他人——这通常不是有意识的动机，而是一种不健康的方式，以应对如果直接表达情感、需求或观而点可能发生的事情的恐惧。被动攻击性沟通可能包括：

· 低声说话而不是直接面对那个人

· 压抑并回避失望、伤害、愤怒和怨恨

· 提供反讽的恭维（例如，在赞美的同时批评，阴阳怪气）

· 使用讽刺来表达不满

· 当有问题时否认有问题

· 在不与他们解决问题的情况下破坏他人的进度

· 故意把任务完成地不好，以避免将来被要求去做它

· 使用不符合真实感受的面部表情或语调

· 做出批评性的言论或无意中但伤人的“刺戳”

· 表面上合作，但在背后进行破坏行为以惹恼他人

· 给其他人“沉默对待”（例如，不互动，避开冲突中心的人）

被动攻击性沟通被用来避免直接与某人解决问题的情感不适。虽然在受到伤害或感到愤怒时，使用恶意或其他行动来回击他人可能会感到满意，但隐瞒他们自己的感受会让被动攻击性沟通者通常感到怨恨、被误解，并对关系感到不满。因为其他人无法读懂他们的心思或知道他们的需求，从而被动攻击性沟通者的需求和意见就没有得到满足。在这样做的过程中，其他人的挫败感会逐渐积累，导致人际关系严重紧张、破裂、不信任恶化，最终可能导致失去关系。

自信沟通

自信沟通包括清楚地表达观点和感受，并在尊重或不侵犯他人的权利的情况下自我坚持。自信的沟通者不期望别人一开始就知道他们的感受或他们想要什么。他们重视自己，并愿意自我坚持，同时仍然表达对他人的尊重。由于自我表达，自信的沟通者不会因未满足的需求而感到怨恨或积压的挫败感。自信沟通者之间的关系也倾向于健康，因为其他人不太可能去猜测或试图预测他们的需求，因为这些需求已经被传达了。自信沟通看起来像：

· 使用“我”陈述来表达你的感受、你想要的和你未满足的需求

· 在自我表达时不责怪他人

· 专心倾听，不打断

· 尊重和诚实地清楚地表达感受、需求和愿望

· 以平静的语调和放松的身体姿势说话

· 注意但不容忍他人操纵或控制你

· 为你对他人的影响负责，道歉和纠正伤害

· 保持良好的眼神接触

· 愿意妥协和谈判，并在不侵犯自己的权利或需求时提出这样做

自信的沟通者清楚地表达自己，让其他人知道他们的立场，而不必猜测。他们为自己的感受和行为负责，并且在其他人试图控制或操纵他们时不屈服。虽然这种方法最初可能不太舒服，但从长远来看，自信使其他人知道他们的立场。这样做的积极结果是，其他人不会焦虑地向他们敞开心扉，因为他们不必担心爆发或以后的报复，这促进了更合作、开放和清晰的沟通和更健康的关系。当自信是主要的沟通方式时，它培养了自尊和信心，减少了关系中怨恨的可能性，并建立了信任。

关于自信的一个常见误解是它很粗鲁、直白或严厉。相反，自信存在于一个范围内，一个巧妙的自信方法是为个人和互动的背景量身定制的（例如，主题、环境、关系中的亲密程度或情感亲密度、关系的性质和文化因素）。

了解你倾向于依赖的哪一种或两种沟通风格，会为你的改变提供一个强大的起点。特别有用的是，也要识别你在困难互动中，特别是冲突中倾向于使用的风格。这将引导你从一种不健康的风格转变为情商高的风格。

How to Be an Emotionally Intelligent Communicator

Discover key tenets of effective communication and strengthen your relationships.

KEY POINTS

·There are 4 main communication styles and we tend to gravitate to 1 or 2.

·Assertiveness is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence and an important skill for healthy relationships.

·Difficulty managing emotions is the most common barrier to effective communication.

·Practicing assertiveness requires consistent practice but can become a healthy habit.

As much as we may try to avoid it, having difficult conversations is inevitable. Two people cannot always have the same needs, desires, opinions, and abilities. While emotionally evocative topics and conflicting perspectives can be quite uncomfortable, resolution can paradoxically build trust, connection, and safety, strengthening the relationship. Communicating effectively facilitates deeper learning about one another, as well as assurance that one’s unmet needs don’t go unannounced and fester into resentment.

What Is Emotionally Intelligent Communication?

Emotionally intelligent communication entails a combination of verbal and nonverbal skills that are tailored to the person to whom you’re speaking, as well as the topic and context of the interaction (e.g., the environment, type of relationship, roles, “emotional baggage” between parties, past unresolved conflict). Putting it into practice requires the following:

·Recognizing and managing strong emotions

·Being present with your emotions as well as others’

·Asserting your needs and making reasonable requests to meet them

·Being able to listen attentively and remain open-minded

·Responding to and expressing what matters most while avoiding punishing behaviors

·Believing that resolution is in both parties’ interests

·Being aware of and respecting differences with others, including differences in their emotional experience

Four Common Communication Styles

With those tenets of healthy and effective communication in mind, let’s look at four common styles of communication. Knowing your typical style or the style you tend to default to during challenging interactions can build more awareness and help you notice opportunities to pivot to a healthy communication style.

Passive Communication

Passive communication occurs when you avoid expressing your opinions, emotions, perspectives, or needs and prioritize those of others. As unmet needs mount due to not being expressed, they build into resentment and annoyance and reach a point at which expressing them can no longer be avoided. This can result in emotion dysregulation and angry outbursts. Because explosive outbursts are unusual for this type of communicator, feeling shame, guilt, and remorse for expressing intense emotions can arise and prompt a quick retreat back to a passive communication style. Passive communication can take many forms and may look like:

·Self-sacrificing by putting others’ needs repeatedly over your own

·Failing to assert yourself or self-advocate

·Allowing others to make choices for you

·Keeping your emotions, needs, perspectives, or opinions to yourself

·Avoiding eye contact during tension, disagreements, or conflict

·Speaking with a soft or quiet tone of voice

·Communicating apologetically or without confidence

·Slumping down or making yourself small

Passive communicators use this approach to avoid the likelihood of conflict, judgment from others, or the emotional discomfort they fear may come from self-expression. Consequently, they often feel stuck, helpless, anxious, or resentful for not expressing themselves. They may also feel confused and have difficulty knowing what they stand for after repeatedly ignoring their own feelings or needs. Furthermore, emotional maturity can become stymied from the recurrent absence of addressing needs and resolving disagreements.

Aggressive Communication

Aggressive communicators tend to express themselves and their emotions strongly without considering others’ needs, desires, or feelings. They express themselves in a dominating and uncompromising style that can feel disrespectful, condescending, or abusive to others. Their communication is often accompanied by interrupting others, not listening fully, defensiveness, and expressing frequent frustration. Over time, aggressive communicators may feel estranged from others, have few close relationships. They frequently experience short-lived relationships, and feel misunderstood or disliked by others. Aggressive communication can look like:

·Quickly expressing impatience, irritability, and frustration

·Speaking in a loud tone of voice

·Using intimidating body postures, such as standing close to others or pointing

·Frequently interrupting

·Being unwilling or unable to consider the other person’s experience

·Expressing anger or defensiveness with little provocation

·Humiliating, blaming, or harshly criticizing others

·Expressing disappointment that others have not met unrealistically high standards

·Being unwilling to compromise and/or insisting that only you are “right”

Aggressive communicators often use this approach to maintain feeling in control and avoid feeling insecure or anxious. This pattern of exerting an unreasonable amount of influence and control over others’ lives can create a false sense of confidence, but it results in relationships that are strained, tense, and lack closeness, as others are afraid to interact with or open up to them. Often, aggressive communicators have unsatisfying relationships and feel isolated and misunderstood, deepening their insecure feelings.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

Passive-aggressive communication occurs when someone appears passive and quiet but has a perspective, need, or emotion that is not being expressed directly and instead is expressed obliquely and unclearly. By withholding their experience from others, resentment from repeated unmet needs builds and is expressed indirectly through condescension, undermining, or subtly critical means. This is typically an attempt to express feelings without taking responsibility for them and putting that responsibility on others—this is not usually a conscious motivation, but instead an unhealthy way of coping with a fear of what could happen if feelings, needs, or opinions were directly expressed. Passive-aggressive communication can entail:

·Speaking under your breath rather than confronting the person directly

·Suppressing and avoiding disappointment, hurt, anger and resentment

·Offering backhanded compliments (e.g., complimenting while also criticizing)

·Using sarcasm to express dissatisfaction

·Denying there’s an issue when there is

·Undermining someone without addressing the issue with them

·Intentionally completing a task poorly to avoid being asked to do it in the future

·Using facial expressions or a tone of voice that doesn’t match how you feel

·Making critical remarks or unintended yet hurtful “jabs”

·Appearing cooperative but engaging in sabotage behaviors behind the scenes to annoy others

·Giving others “the silent treatment” (e.g., withholding interaction, avoiding people at the center of the conflict)

Passive-aggressive communication is used to avoid the emotional discomfort of addressing an issue directly with someone. While it may feel satisfying to use spite or other actions to get back at others when hurt or angry, by withholding how they feel, passive-aggressive communicators often feel resentful, misunderstood, and dissatisfied with their relationships. Because others cannot read their minds or know their needs, passive-aggressive communicators’ needs and opinions go unmet. In doing so, frustration from others builds, causing serious tension in relationships, ruptures, festering mistrust, and eventually it can lead to lost relationships.

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication entails clearly stating opinions and feelings, and self-advocating without being disrespectful or violating the rights of others. Assertive communicators don’t expect others to know how they feel or what they want. They value themselves and are willing to self-advocate while still expressing respect for others. As a result of self-advocating, assertive communicators don’t suffer from resentment or pent-up frustration from unmet needs. Relationships between assertive communicators tend to be healthy as well, as others are less likely to guess or attempt to anticipate their needs because they have already been communicated. Assertive communication looks like:

·Using “I” statements to communicate how you feel, what you’d like, and your unmet needs

·Refraining from blaming others while self-advocating

·Attentively listening without interrupting

·Clearly stating feelings, needs, and wants respectfully and honestly

·Speaking in a calm tone of voice and with a relaxed body posture

·Noticing but not permitting others to manipulate or control you

·Taking responsibility for your impact on others; apologizing and rectifying hurts

·Maintaining good eye contact

·Being willing to compromise and negotiate, and offering to do so when it doesn’t infringe on your own rights or needs

Assertive communicators express themselves clearly, allowing others to know where they stand without having to guess. They take responsibility for how they feel and their actions and don’t cave in when others try to control or manipulate them. While this approach can be initially uncomfortable to adopt, in the long run, assertiveness allows others to know where they stand. The productive outcome of this is that others are less anxious to open up to them, as they don’t have to worry about outbursts or payback later, facilitating more collaborative, open, and clear communication and healthier relationships. When assertiveness is the main communication approach, it fosters self-esteem and confidence, reduces the likelihood of resentment in relationships, and builds trust.

A common misconception about assertiveness is that it’s rude, blunt, or heavy-handed. On the contrary, assertiveness exists on a spectrum, and a skillful assertive approach is custom-made to the person and context of the interaction (e.g., the topic, environment, level of closeness or emotional intimacy in the relationship, nature of the relationship, and cultural factors).

Knowing which one or two communication styles you tend to rely on provides a powerful starting place for change. It can be especially useful to also identify the style you tend to use during difficult interactions, particularly conflict. This will point you toward shifting from an unhealthy style to an emotionally intelligent approach.

翻译 | 丁艺

编辑 | 杨悦