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成为治疗师伴侣的挑战
心理治疗可能是亲密关系中最棘手的职业之一
本文要点
•无论是在私下还是在公共场合，成为治疗师的人生伙伴有时都会充满挑战。
•一些伴侣可能会嫉妒治疗关系中的“其他”亲密关系。
•治疗师的伴侣没有真正的指南。
•定期坦诚地谈论你面临的挑战会有所帮助。
我必须承认，做一名治疗师是一个奇怪的职业。你把你的职业时间花在别人的经历（以及对这些经历的解释）中，然后，在一个典型的日子里，你一遍又一遍地做同样的事情——不同的人，不同的经历。
但工作日结束后，你又回到了“正常”的事情上：你去杂货店购物，遛狗，或者出去吃饭。通常，你和一个你爱的人在一起，你对他做出了承诺——你的浪漫伴侣——你不能真正谈论你的一天！
如果这还不够挑战，想象一下：你在一个聚会上，在夏布利酒和小吃上遇到了你的一个客户——你的伴侣在你身边，是谈话的一部分。显然，你们不能忽视对方，但你们在谈论什么？闲聊是鸡尾酒会的精髓，但与治疗中发生的事情相去甚远。你如何让你的伴侣（可能还有你客户的伴侣）参与一场会让你们中至少两个人陷入尴尬境地的对话？
这很棘手，因为从道德上讲，我不能谈论谁是我的客户，谁不是我的客户；他们有责任“走出”我们的关系。有些人这样做，有些人不这样做。当他们不这样做时，任何对话都会让人感到不舒服，几乎是虚伪的。即使他们这样做，也不容易。
不同类型的亲密关系
部分尴尬源于治疗师与客户建立亲密关系的事实。伴侣也会一起发展亲密关系。亲密关系的性质自然截然不同；角色和权力结构不同；但这并不意味着治疗关系不包括“现实生活”伴侣被排除在外的亲密关系。
因此，当你们在一起时遇到一个客户或前客户时，这不仅会让你感到不舒服，而且可能会对观察共同亲密关系的伴侣造成伤害。如果你的伴侣自己没有经历过治疗性关系，这可能尤其正确，这种经历可能会让他们理解其中的细微差别。
看着我和我的丈夫在这些社交场合中，我看到的是他目睹了这些亲密的动态，不太知道如何在尊重我的道德准则的同时平衡他自然的排斥感。我试着从客户或前客户那里得到线索，希望我们能让我们的合作伙伴毫不费力地走到一起。
我丈夫和我最近在波士顿参加了一个设计颁奖晚会——他的专业领域——你难道不知道吗：就在大楼外，我看到一辆我认出属于一位前客户的车，他终止了合同。我们很早，所以房间里没有多少人，还有我的前客户和他的搭档！
我的伴侣只看到了两个男同性恋者，而我看到了一种正在酝酿的情况；当然，我丈夫径直朝另一对同性恋夫妇走去。我的前客户显然是想给我定位，然后他看到了我的名牌。“哦，”他漫不经心地对他的搭档说，“是里克·米勒，他曾是我的治疗师。”哦。好的
它使家里的事情变得复杂
伴侣有时会觉得自己受到治疗师配偶的评判，反过来，他们也倾向于做出这种评判。我自己的伴侣经常抱怨我在“评估”他——我没有；我只是说说我的想法，就像其他人一样。
但在压力或分歧的时候，我们的伴侣很难不通过我们的职业视角来看待我们。我认识一位治疗师，她的伴侣经常声称她不会把自己的专业知识留在门外——但这到底意味着什么？她的专业知识是她身份的一部分。这不应该是关系的一部分；但我们也不能把它抛在脑后。
另一个潜在的问题是，伴侣经常无意中占据“第一夫人”的地位。当我们遇到我的现任或前任客户时，他们倾向于仔细审查我的伴侣，以了解我的信息。他是谁？他是做什么的？他给这段关系带来了什么？他表现得怎么样？他对他的搭档有好感吗？
我丈夫看到了这一点，所以反过来，他必须学会小心和克制。现任和前任客户对我的私生活有着天生的好奇心，对一些人来说，我的伴侣和我在公共场合的出现就像一个邀请，是一个了解更多关于我和我们婚姻的机会。
当你的伴侣是治疗师时，你如何驾驭生活？
老实说：我试着采访了大量治疗师的配偶/伴侣，我很快就清楚他们训练有素；没有人愿意谈论问题或提供建议，大概这样他们就不会以任何形式违反任何保密规定。这就引出了我的第一条建议：
试着引导你的伴侣在公共场合使用的专业能量，并考虑在发生这种情况时采用自己的角色。
对你来说，与你的伴侣定期就你面临的挑战进行诚实的对话是至关重要的。
提醒你的治疗师伴侣，专业的闲聊和行话的使用可能会把你排除在外。
感激当你问你的伴侣他们在和谁说话而没有得到答案时，不知道任何细节都没关系。
亲自接受治疗，既是为了围绕自己的经历提供支持，也是为了更深入地理解治疗关系。
在某种程度上，一对夫妇的每个成员都必须围绕伴侣的职业做出让步和调整。恭喜你，你选择了一个更具挑战性的！但只要你们在一起建立明确的界限，并给予彼此怀疑的好处，它也可以是有益的和丰富的。我们都希望我们的关系能够正常运作；我们可以一起实现它。
The Challenges of Being a Therapist's Partner
Therapy can be one of the trickiest professions to navigate in a romantic relationship
KEY POINTS
· Being the partner of a therapist can at times be challenging, both in private and in public.
· Some partners may become jealous of the "other" intimacy of the therapeutic relationship.
· There's no real guidebook for therapists' partners.
· Having regular honest conversations about the challenges you face helps.
Being a therapist is, I have to confess, an odd profession. You spend your professional time living inside someone else’s experiences (and interpretations of those experiences), and then, throughout a typical day, you do the same thing over and over—different people, different experiences.
But then the workday is over and you go back to doing “normal” things: you go grocery shopping, walk the dog, or go out to dinner. Often, you’re with a person you love and to whom you’ve made a commitment—your romantic partner—and you can’t really talk about your day!
And if that isn’t enough of a challenge, imagine this: You’re at a party and run into one of your clients over the Chablis and canapés—with your partner at your side and part of the conversation. You can’t ignore each other, obviously—but what do you talk about? Small talk is the essence of a cocktail party, but not even close to what happens in therapy. And how do you include your partner (and potentially your client’s partner) in a conversation that is going to put at least two of you in an awkward situation?
It's tricky in that ethically I can’t talk about who is and isn’t my client; the onus is on them to “out” our relationship. Some do—and some don’t. When they don’t, any conversation is uncomfortable and almost disingenuous. Even when they do, it’s not easy.
Different Kinds of Intimacy
Part of the awkwardness stems from the fact that therapists develop intimate relationships with their clients. Partners, too, develop intimate relationships together. The nature of the intimacy is naturally radically different; the roles and power structure are different; but that doesn’t mean the therapeutic relationship doesn’t include an intimacy from which “real life” partners are excluded.
So when you run into a client or former client when you’re out together, it’s not only uncomfortable but also potentially hurtful to your partner who’s observing the shared intimacy. This may be especially true if your partner hasn’t themselves been in a therapeutic relationship, an experience that might give them a handle on understanding its nuances.
Looking at myself and my husband in these social situations, what I see is him witnessing those intimate dynamics and not quite knowing how to balance his natural feelings of exclusion while also honoring my ethical code. I try to take my cues from the client or former client and hope that we can bring our partners fairly painlessly along.
My husband and I were recently in Boston at a design awards soirée—his professional area of expertise—and wouldn't you know it: Right outside the building, I saw a car I recognized as belonging to a former client who’d terminated gracelessly. We were early, so not many people were in the room, and there was my ex-client with his partner!
My partner only saw two gay men, whereas I saw a situation brewing; and of course, my husband made a beeline for the other gay couple. My former client was obviously trying to place me—then he caught sight of my nametag. “Oh,” he said casually to his partner, “it’s Rick Miller, he was my therapist for a while.” Oh. OK.
It Complicates Things at Home
Partners sometimes feel judged by their therapist spouse, and in turn, have a tendency to return that perceived judgment as well. My own partner regularly complains that I’m “assessing” him—I’m not; I’m just saying what I think, like anyone else might.
But in times of stress or disagreement, it can be difficult for our partners to not perceive us through the lens of our profession. I know a therapist whose partner routinely claims she doesn’t leave her expertise at the door—but what does that even mean? Her expertise is a part of who she is. It shouldn’t be overtly part of the relationship; but we can’t just leave it behind, either.
Another potential problem is that partners often inadvertently assume “first lady” status. When we do run into current or former clients of mine, they tend to scrutinize my partner for information about me. Who is he? What does he do? What does he bring to the relationship? How does he behave? Does he reflect well on his partner?
My husband sees that—so in turn, he’s had to learn to be both careful and contained. Current and former clients have a natural curiosity about my private life, and my partner’s presence in public with me feels, to some, like an invitation, an opportunity to find out more about me and our marriage.
How Can You Navigate Life When Your Partner is a Therapist?
I’ll be honest: I tried interviewing the spouses/partners of a substantial sampling of therapists and it immediately became clear to me how well-trained they were; no one was willing to talk about issues or offer advice, presumably so they would not violate any kind of confidentiality in any form. That brings me to my first bit of advice:
Try and channel the professional energy your partner uses in public, and consider adopting your own persona to slip into that when it happens.
It’s essential for you to have regular honest conversations with your partner about the challenges you're facing.
Remind your therapist partner that professional chitchat and the use of jargon can exclude you.
Appreciate that when you ask your partner who they’re speaking to and don’t get an answer, it’s OK not to know any details.
Be in therapy yourself, both for support around your own experience and to more deeply understand the therapeutic relationship.
To one degree or another, each member of a couple has to make concessions and adaptations around their partner’s profession. Congratulations—you’ve picked one of the more challenging ones! But it can also be rewarding and enriching as long as you establish clear boundaries together and give each other the benefit of the doubt. We all want our relationships to work; we can make it happen together.
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翻译 | 李梦迪
编辑 | 杨悦
