英语组作品赏析 | 2024笔译赛项全国亚军肖然译后编辑作答展示及专家点评

（标题）Exquisite and delicate qualities that come from the palace's official use

选手作答未更改文章标题，建议改为

Exquisite and delicate qualities coming from the royal family’s patronage。

Tracing back to the history of embroidery in Zhenhu, it can be said that it has a long and rich history.

Zhenhu embroidery, a representative of the Su embroidery (an embroidery style in Jiangsu Province), has a long and rich history. 

选手作答调整了句子结构，变更主语为Zhenhu embroidery，使得英文整句处理起来更容易。同时补充了地理信息（如镇湖在江苏省苏州市），使前后地理信息衔接，读者在后续阅读中不至于遇到突兀的信息。

Raw MT: 动词-ing短语的逻辑主语与句子的主语不一致，必须修改。

As early as the Warring States period, this place was already a prosperous scene of "every household in the boudoir had embroidered tightly, and every woman and aunt was skilled in needlework".

As early as the Warring States period (roughly 2,500 years ago), the area was already prosperous in embroidery, with a line suggesting that "every family do embroidery works and there is a female embroiderer in every family".

选手作答同样补充了年代信息（战国时期），对目标读者友好。但出现了个别细节错误（如works应为work）。

Raw MT: 意义表达有误（如embroidered tightly）。

During the Ming and Qing dynasties, Jiangnan Weaving Mansion often came here to place orders. From pillowcases to dragon robes, Zhenhu embroidery products were continuously sent to the court.

During the Ming and Qing dynasties, Jiangnan Weaving Mansion, the imperial institution for silk and embroidery, often came to Zhenhu to place imperial orders and sent embroidery products from pillowcases to the emperor's robes with dragon patterns to the palace. 

选手作答补充了政府机构信息，说明了织造府的职能（为皇家提供丝绸、刺绣等用品的机构），补充说明了龙袍的图案和用途，意义表达非常完整，对目标读者友好。当然，这里还可以补充明清时期的时代信息。

The tradition of 'every household engages in embroidery, and every household has an embroidery mother' has been passed down from generation to generation of Su embroiderers.

Through generations, embroiderers in Jiangsupassed down the tradition of embroidery, with every household engaging in embroidery.

选手作答呼应前面的地理信息，且变更主语使整句结构更符合逻辑与信息流动顺序。此处，Jiangsu建议改为 Zhenhu in Jiangsu，engaging建议改为engaged。

There is a saying in Zhenhu: "A girl who cannot embroider cannot find her in laws." 

There is a saying in Zhenhu that "A girl who cannot do embroidery work cannot get married." 

选手作答更加准确表达原文，原文的“婆家”不是因为结婚而出现的非直系亲戚，而是未来的夫家。建议去掉that，采用 “:”。

Therefore, the embroiderers in the town, regardless of age, have been refining their needlework and patience through careful consideration since the age of six or seven.

Female embroiderers in the town, since the age of six or seven, have been refining their needle work with patience, persistence and craftsmenship.

选手作答调整了句子结构，使其逻辑更清晰。有个别细节错误（应为craftsmanship）。建议保留原逻辑关系词Therefore。

They embroider everything, from landscapes, flowers, and birds, to clothing, hats, and scarves, from embroidered artworks, calligraphy, and paintings, to Rolls Royce high-end interior designs.

They embroider patterns such as landscapes, flowers, birds, and insects onto a rich tapestry of products, from commodities like clothing, hats, and scarves, to embroidery artworks resembling calligraphy or painting, and even high-end interior designs for Rolls Royce.

选手作答信息表达更为清晰，补充了一些细节（如patterns, insects, tapestry等），还增加了逻辑关系词even。本句内容较难，难免出现一些细节处理不足，如词汇方面的artworks建议改为artwork，或将下划线片段译为artistic pieces of calligraphy and painting，design建议改为decorations, Rolls Royce应为Rolls-Royce。

Every generation of embroiderers seeks a place for embroidery in the refinement of their craft and the needs of society. The refinement of Su embroidery has increasingly highlighted its regional, artistic, and international characteristics.

With generations of embroiderers refining their crafts to meet the demands of society, Su embroidery now boasts regional, artistic, and international characteristics.

选手作答变更了句子结构和主语，更好地表达了原文暗含的逻辑关系和意义。

 往期回顾 ·