RelationshipsFind a Partner With Whom You Can "Be Yourself"The importance of cultivating one's authentic self in relationships.Key pointsWhen people talk about "being yourself," they really are talking about being your "authentic self."In many ways, our authentic self's opposite may be thought of as our "stressed self."When choosing a romantic or social partner, it's useful to find someone who embraces your authentic self.HuangDongPhoto/PixabaySource: HuangDongPhoto/PixabayHave you ever seen a relationship in which one partner is discouraged from "being themselves?" Maybe there's a friend of yours who has always been quite silly but who, around his partner, suddenly becomes highly serious. Or maybe you know someone who has huge wanderlust and has traveled to all kinds of places in her life, only to marry someone who has no interest in travel and who really just stifles this part of her being. Or maybe you know someone who was just born to play the piano but whose partner discourages "that noise" pretty resoundingly?These are all instances in which there is something of a mismatch between two partners—a mismatch that effectively stifles the "authentic self" of at least one of the partners (and perhaps both).The Authentic Self Versus The Stressed SelfIn a groundbreaking attempt to understand the human experience using an evolutionary framework, the late-great Psychology Today blogger and neuroscientist, John Montgomery (along with his collaborator Todd Ritchey) developed a model of the self that frames the self as oscillating between one's authentic self (who a person is when they are most comfortable with who they are and what they are doing) and one's stressed self, which emerges when one is under a state of stress. When one's stressed self takes over, all kinds of things become more difficult (see Montgomery & Ritchey, 2010). People become agitated, unhappy, angry, anxious, distracted, forgetful, distrustful, and more. Going back for decades, in fact, behavioral scientists have documented a broad array of adverse psychological and physiological consequences associated with stress. A simple implication of all these ideas is as follows: In all spheres of life, try to create environments and conditions that foster your authentic self and that downplay your stressed self.Finding a Partner That Cultivates Your Authentic SelfWhile not everyone is interested in settling down with a romantic partner, it is the case that dyadic intimate relationships are quite common. According to these data presented by Statista, a majority of adults in the US will get married at some point in life.Marriage, of course, for a broad array of reasons, is not to be entered into lightly. Selecting a marriage partner is, in so many ways, one of the most important decisions that one might make in life. Choosing someone who is mismatched from yourself may well end up leading to heartache and all kinds of problems (see Geher & Kaufman, 2013).While there are clearly many factors to look for in a long-term mating partner, one that is often-overlooked, based on the work of Montgomery and Ritchey (2010) pertains to being with someone around whom you can be yourself—with whom you feel comfortable. If you find someone who checks all the other boxes but whose presence inhibits your ability to really be your true, authentic self (e.g., you like to be silly and this other person cannot stand that), then you are setting yourself up for stress—particularly given this idea that the counterpoint to one's authentic self is one's stressed self. And if you are with someone whose attitude toward important aspects of your authentic self ends up bringing out your stressed self, in short, you're just not going to be happy. People do best when they are unstressed and are comfortable expressing their authentic selves. The implications for mate-selection are profound.Bottom LineWhen people use the phrase "be yourself," this phrase actually has meaning. Generally, they mean "be your authentic self"—roughly corresponding to the person you enjoy being and the person whom you feel that you are meant to be.If you are choosing a long-term mate, assessing whether they help cultivate your authentic self or not can make all the difference in terms of how that relationship plays out over time. Forming a long-term partnership with someone who truly embraces your authentic self is simply a key to a successful relationship future—especially if this process is reciprocated.Want a happy relationship? Seek out someone who loves your authentic self—as imperfect as it may be.
