[译文] 霍夫曼斯塔尔:钱多斯勋爵的信|张雪萌 译

文摘   Culture   2024-03-26 23:43   英国  

Hugo von Hofmannsthal




钱多斯勋爵的信
[奥地利] 胡戈·冯·霍夫曼斯塔尔
张雪萌 译

这是菲利普·钱多斯爵士,巴斯侯爵的小儿子,写给弗朗西斯·培根,韦鲁勒姆男爵,圣·奥尔本斯子爵,为他全然弃置文学事业的举动致歉。
您真好心,我尊敬的朋友,您写信给我,谴责我两年杳无音讯。您善意万分,告诉我您对我的牵挂,您对于——在您看来是“精神停滞”——方面的困惑,您轻盈的表达和诙谐的笑语,只有那些承认生活之艰险却不被其挫败的伟人,才能掌握它。
您用希波克拉底的格言作结,“没有感知到自己正在被恶疾一点点消耗的人,是思想上生了病的人。”您还建议我用药,不只是用于战胜身体上的疾病,更重要的,要使内心自我状况的感知敏锐。我愿给出您我的回答,您配得上这样的回答,我愿整个将自己剖露给您,只是我不知道该从哪入手。我几乎也不明白,现在的我,是否还是您珍贵来信里提到的那个人了。我,现年二十六,是否还是那个在十九岁时,写下《新巴黎,达菲的梦之颂诗》,在文字游戏的宏伟下舒展着,关于一位神圣女王和几位骄纵爵士、绅士的田园诗,那些诗歌是否足够高尚以致被流传铭记?甚者,我是否,还是那个二十三岁时身处威尼斯广场石拱廊下的我,发现拉丁散文结构的排布与秩序,远比海岸线上升起的帕拉迪奥和圣索维诺式建筑更令我惊叹?再者,若我还是故我,怎能够失去了内心神秘自我所有的踪迹和创痕,这所有强烈的思索——失去得如此彻底,以至于如今面前您的信中,称呼我简短专著的抬头瞪视着我,如此陌生,又如此冷漠?我甚至不能理解,最初,那令人熟悉的情形意味着什么,不得不逐字逐句学习它,仿佛那些拉丁术语串联在一起,第一次映入我的眼帘。但话说回来,我还是那个我,在这些疑问中有着一个隐喻——它有益于妇女,有益于众议院。这一隐喻的力量,如此被我们的时代所高估,却不足以洞穿事物的核心。是内心的自我,让我觉得有义务向您揭示——一种怪癖,一种邪恶,我念头中的疾病——如果您能够理解,一道深渊平等地、无法弥合地将我和那些在我未完成和已写就的文学作品分隔开:那后者显得如此陌生,以至于我迟疑将他们称作我的所有物。
您让我回忆起,那些日子里,我们共享着罕有的热情;那些繁多的课题使我满怀兴趣。我不知道该去赞扬哪一个,是您仁慈的力量,还是您难以置信的敏锐记忆力。诚然,我确实打算描述我们光荣的君主,已故的亨利八世在位的最初几年。我的祖父,埃克塞特公爵,遗赠给我关于他与法国和葡萄牙谈判的文件,为我提供了一些基础。在那些欢快活跃的日子里,从萨鲁斯特那里,我仿佛沿着一条从未堵塞的通道,领悟到了形式——那种只有在修辞技巧的领域之外才能感受到的深刻、真实、内在的形式:那种形式,人们再也不能说它组织了主题,因为它穿透了主题,溶解了主题,同时创造了梦境和现实,创造了永恒力量的相互作用,创造了像音乐或代数一样奇妙的事物。这是我最珍视的计划。
人之为人,应当要制定计划的!
我还把玩着其他方案。这些,一并,经由您友善的来信浮现在我脑海。每一个计划,都饱尝着我的心血,像恼人的蚊子一样撞击着阴沉的墙。那墙之上,已不再有如光辉岁月般灿烂的阳光照耀。
我想要破译这些寓言,那些由先祖流传下来的神话故事,里面的画家和雕塑师在破译象形文字的秘密中找到无穷无尽的快乐,那永不衰竭的智慧,我有时仿佛能感受到这面纱掩映下的气息。


我牢记着这个计划。它建立在我不知为何的感官和精神欲望之上:就像被猎的野鹿渴望着水一样,我也渴望进入这些赤裸的、闪闪发光的身体,这些塞壬和树神,这些纳西索斯和普洛特斯,珀尔修斯和阿克泰翁。我渴望着消失在他们之间,用他们的口吻言说。我渴望着更多。我计划着开始写一本警句选集(Apophthegmata),如同尤里乌斯·凯撒创作的那样:你一定记得,西塞罗在一封信中提到过它。在这本书中,我想把我在旅途中,与我们这个时代的博学者和诙谐的女士、民间的奇人异士或杰出学者交往时收集到的最令人难忘的箴言并列在一起。此外,我还打算把古典名著和意大利作品中的精辟格言和思考,以及书本、手稿或谈话中其他任何吸引我的智识装饰品结合起来;安插进异美的节日和庆典、怪奇的犯罪和疯狂的案例,描述荷兰、法国和意大利最伟大和独特的建筑遗迹,以及许多其他内容。整部作品会被命名为“认识你自己” (Nosce te ipsum)。
总而言之,在这些日子里,我处在持续不断的陶醉中,将一切存在感知为一个伟大的整体:心灵和物质的世界仿佛不再有差异,它们之间的差异如此之小,就如同得体和粗鲁、艺术和野蛮、独身与交际之间的差异一样;在万物中,我感受到自然的存在,在精神错乱的畸变和西班牙典礼极致的雅趣中,在年轻农夫的粗莽和寓言的精微中,在自然的一切表现中,我感受到我自己。在我的狩猎小屋中,不修边幅的女仆挤着一头漂亮温顺的奶牛的乳房,将它舀到木桶里,我喝到那温热起沫的牛奶时,那种感觉与我坐在书房窗边的长凳上,从书本中汲取甜美的、泛着泡沫的营养时的感觉没有什么不同。此者相仿于彼者,不存在高低之分,无论是梦幻般的天堂质样还是在物理强度上——因此,它在整个生命的各个方向都普遍存在;在任何时候,我都处于中心位置,从未怀疑过这只是表象;而在其他时候,我则预感到一切都是寓言,每一种生命都是通往其他所有生命的钥匙;我觉得自己有能力掌握任一事物的诀窍,打开其余所有甘愿敞开心扉的锁。这解释了我所写百科全书书名的由来。
对于一个容易受这种想法影响的人来说,我的思想从这种膨胀的傲慢跌入如今绝望和软弱的极端,似乎是上天精心设下的计划,而这正是我现在内心长久以来的状态。然而,这些宗教思想对我毫无影响力:它们属于蜘蛛网,我的思想通过蜘蛛网飞入虚空,而其余众人的思想则被蜘蛛网捕获,归于平静。对我而言,信仰的奥秘被浓缩成一个崇高的寓言,它像一道光芒四射的彩虹,拱卫着我生命的原野,永远遥不可及,如果我想冲向它,将自己裹进它的褶皱里,它就会退去。
但,我亲爱的朋友,世俗的想法也以同样方式回避着我。我该如何向您描述这些奇异的精神上的折磨,如同我伸出双手,结着果实的枝条却向远处弹开,干渴的嘴唇之上,潺潺水流溯回而返?
我的事例,一言以蔽之即是:我完全丧失了连贯思索或言谈任何事物的能力。
起初,我渐渐地无法用人人都会流利且毫不犹豫使用的术语来讨论更崇高或更普遍的话题。我对说出精神、灵魂或肉体这些词语感到莫名厌恶。我发现自己无法就宫廷事务、议会事项或任何事情谏言。这并不是出于任何形式的个人敬畏(因为您知道我的坦诚近乎轻率),而是因为口舌必须理所当然地使用这些抽象的词语才能表达判断——这些词语在我嘴里就像发霉的真菌一样支离破碎。有一天,我训斥四岁大的女儿卡特里娜·蓬皮莉娅,因为她撒下一个幼稚的谎,我正向她强调着永远诚实的必要性时,这些念头突然涌入我的脑海,闪着七彩异光,念头接连冲荡着彼此。我努力讲完口中句子,好像突然被疾病所把持。实际上,我感受到自己变得越发苍白,前额上仿佛有强力重压。我留下孩子一个人,摔门而去,在寂寥的牧场上小跑了一阵,才觉有所缓解。
然而,渐渐地,这些极端痛苦的闯入,如腐锈般蔓延开来。即使在熟常、单调的交谈中,人们普遍能够轻松、梦呓般表达的所有观点,而我却对此充满怀疑,以至不得不完全停止参与此类言谈。我被一种难以解释的愤恨所充满,每当听到诸如此类表达,我努力将这种愤怒掩盖:此事对某某进展顺利,那事对某某多有不顺,警长N是恶人,牧师T是善者;农夫M好生可怜,他的儿子们一帮废物;另者就值得艳羡了,因为女儿们厉行节俭;一家人平步青云,另一家坠入深渊。如此种种不可论证,尽是谎言和空洞的说辞。我的思想驱使我,去以一种离奇的近距离看待此般谈话中的一切。曾经,我透过放大镜看到小指上的一块皮肤,好似遍布洞穴和沟壑的田野,如今,我即如此感知人类和其行径。我不再善于通过习惯的简化视角理解它们。于我而言,万物分崩为局部,局部又离析为碎片;任何事物都不再限于单一的理念中。单个的词汇漂浮着将我包围,凝固在眼前,瞪视着我,而我也被迫回以注视——这些漩涡使我眩晕,不停旋转着,通向虚空。
我试图通过在古人的精神世界中寻求庇护来摆脱此困境。我避开了柏拉图,因为我害怕他想象力的危险。在他们当中,我试着聚焦于塞内加和西塞罗。我希望通过他们清晰有序的和谐思想重获健康。但我无法找到通往他们的道路。这些思想,我理解得很透彻:我看到它们奇妙的相互作用在我面前升起,就像华丽的喷泉耍动着金球。我可以在它们周围徘徊,观看它们如何相互博弈;但它们只关心彼此,而我思想中最深刻、最个人化的东西却被排除在这个神奇的圈子之外。在他们的陪伴下,我被一种可怕的孤独征服了;我感到自己就像被囚禁于花园的人,周围环绕着没有眼睛的雕像。于是,我再一次逃到了户外。
从那时起,我便过上了一种恐怕连您也难以想象的生活,如此意志消沉,疲于思索:诚然,这样的生活,与我的邻居、亲友,以及这王国内尊贵的地主们相比,略有不同,也并未完全被剥夺那些欢乐和激昂的时刻。对于我来说,阐释这些美好时刻以何种方式存在着并非易事,再一次,言辞遗弃了我。因为,确实有一种完全无名、甚至几乎无法被命名的东西,在这样的时刻向我显现,像一个容器一样,用更高生命的洪流填满我日常环境中的任何偶然之物。如果不举例说明,我无法指望您理解我,我必须请您原谅我的荒唐。一只水壶、一把被遗落在田野里的耙子、一条晒太阳的狗、一片罕无人迹的墓地、一个瘸子、一间农民的小屋,所有这些都可以成为我启示的容器。这些物体中的每一件,以及其他千百件类似的物体,人们通常会以一种自然而然的淡漠态度瞥上一眼,但在任何时刻(我完全无力唤起它们),它们都会突然对我产生一种崇高而动人的特性,以至于言语似乎无法形容。即使是关于缺席之物的清晰形象,实际上,都有着被寂静充溢的神奇之功,倾泻出神圣的感知。例如,最近,我曾令人在我的一家奶牛场的奶窖里,撒下大量驱鼠药。直至傍晚,我外出兜风,正如你所想象的那样,我不再想起这件事。我在刚刚犁过的田地上小跑了一阵,触目所见的,只是一群受惊的鹌鹑,远处,壮丽的夕阳沉入起伏的田野,没有什么比这些更引人忧思。然而,突然间,眼前浮现的是那间地窖的情形,回响着群鼠临死前的挣扎声。我感到体内充盈着万物:凉爽、阴湿的地窖里的空气,满是腥甜辛辣的毒药臭味,死亡的嘶喊,撞击着发霉的墙壁;那些蜷曲的身体,在混乱和绝望中徒劳地抽搐着;疯狂寻找着逃生的机会,一对对老鼠在堵塞的缝隙中互相碰撞时,它们露出了冰冷愤怒的狰狞面目。但为何,还要再次寻找我已弃置不用的言语呢!还记得吗,我的朋友, 李维对阿尔巴隆加毁灭前几个小时的精彩描述:当人群漫无目的地穿过他们再也看不到的街道......当他们告别着脚下的石头。我向你保证,我的朋友,我的内心带着这样的幻象,也带着迦太基被烧毁的景观;但还有更多的东西,更神圣、更兽性的东西;那就是 “现在”,最充实、最崇高的 “现在”。曾有位母亲,被孩子们死亡的剧痛而包裹,但她的视线并未向奄奄一息的孩子们或是冷漠无情的石墙投去,却是望向虚空,穿透这虚空直至永恒,伴随着这凝望,还有那切齿咬牙!——站在石化的尼俄伯身边,被无助的恐惧所困的奴隶,一定曾体会过我所经历的,在我之中,这困兽的獠牙尽显,朝着残忍的命运。
您要原谅我这样的表述,却不应认为我感受到的是怜悯。如果您这样认为,那说明我所举例子的不恰。它远比怜悯多,又比怜悯少:一种巨大的同情,流淌过万般生灵,或是说,一种关于生与死、梦与醒间的灵光流向它们——但这又是从何而来?在另一个傍晚,当我在一棵坚果树下发现园丁留下的半满的水壶,壶和其中之水皆为树影掩映,一只甲虫,在水面上游来游去——这些琐事的组合让我对无限的存在产生如此强烈的震颤,这种震颤从我的发梢深入至髓,这与怜悯有什么关系,与人类思想的任何可理解的组合又有什么关系?是什么,想要迫使我开口讲话,如果我能找到这些话语,就会迫使我不曾信仰的天使们跪倒。是什么,驱使我悄然远离这个地方?直至如今,在几周之后,当我望见那棵坚果树时,我都会害羞侧目而过,因为我不愿意驱赶走盘旋在树干周围的奇迹般的回忆,不愿意惊吓到仍徘徊在附近灌木丛中的天人的颤栗!在这些时刻中,一些籍籍无名的生灵——一条狗,一只老鼠,一只甲虫,一棵歪扭的苹果树,山间蜿蜒而下的一条小径,青苔覆盖的岩石,对我而言,比与被抛弃的情妇间极乐的春宵一刻,意味着更多。这些不语且了无生命的事物,向我涌现出如此的富足,如此关于爱的在场,使我着了魔的双眼再也找不到生命中的虚无。存在的万物,我所能记忆的万物,我的困惑所触及的万物,皆有着意义。即使是我个人的沉重,大脑里普遍的迟钝,似乎都掌握了这意义;在我体内和身外,萦绕着一种极乐的、永无止尽的相互作用,我可以流向这其中任何互相作用着的物体。因此,对我来说,我的身体仿佛只是由密码组成,而这些密码给予我通向一切的钥匙;或者,仿佛只要我们开始用心思考,我们就能与整体的存在建立一种崭新的、充满希冀的关系。然而,当这种奇异的魔力从我身上消失时,我发觉自己的困惑;这种超越我和整个世界的和谐究竟由何组成,它又是如何让我知晓,即便我无法用感性的语言来表述,就像我无法准确地说出我肠道或淤血的内部运动一样。
除了这奇异的遭遇,意外地,我难以明白将这归咎于思想还是肉体,我的生活空虚得几乎无法让人相信,我很难向我的妻子掩饰这种内心的停滞,也很难向仆人们掩饰我对我产业事务的漠不关心。在我看来,好在由于先父对我进行的良好而严格的教育,以及我早年养成的充实日常的习惯,才能帮助我对外部世界保持与我的阶级和身份相称的稳重和尊严。


我正在重新修建房屋的一翼,因而有机会能与建筑师偶尔谈谈他工作的进展;我管理着我的产业,佃户和雇员们也许能察觉到,我可能比以往更加沉默寡言,却也不失仁慈。他们中不会有人,在傍晚站在门前,脱帽向兜风时的我致意,也不会尊敬地留意到我的目光,掠过他寻找钓鱼饵料之下摇摇晃晃的木板;我的目光越过格子窗,投向闷热的房间,在角落里,铺着格子床单的矮床似乎永远都在等待着某人的死去或另一个人的出生;我的目光久久地停留在丑陋的小狗身上,或是一只从花盆间偷偷溜走的小猫身上;我的目光在农民生活中所有贫乏而笨拙的事物中寻找着事物,这微不足道的形体、不引人注意的本性、无声无息的存在,可以成为那种神秘、无言、无边无际的狂喜的源泉。因为我那难以名状的幸福感受,更早被远处孤独的牧羊人的篝火唤起,而非由漫天星斗的景象所带来;更易由秋风追逐着寒云掠过荒芜的田野时最后一只垂死蟋蟀的鸣叫唤起,而非由管风琴雄浑的轰鸣声所带来。在我的脑海中,我时常将自己与演说家克拉苏相比,据说他过度迷恋一条温顺的七腮鳗鱼——在他的观赏池塘里,一条呆笨、冷漠、长着红眼睛的鱼——以至于成为全城的谈资;一天,多米提乌斯在元老院责备他为这条鱼的死而流泪,试图借此让他看起来像个傻瓜,克拉苏回答道:“我为鱼的死所做的事,似乎远远超过了您为第一任妻子和第二任妻子的离世所做的事。
不知有多少次,我的念头中浮现出克拉苏和他的鳗鱼,就像我自己的镜像,穿越世纪的深渊映入我的脑海。但这并不是因为他对多米提乌斯的应答。这回答引得哄堂大笑,整件事变成了一个笑话。然而,我却被这件事深深打动,哪怕多米提乌斯为他的妻子们伤心流泪,这件事也不会改变。只因克拉苏仍会为他的鳗鱼泫然而泣。对于这个人物,在辖管寰宇、谈论最为严肃事务的元老院中,显得无比荒唐且卑劣,我感到有一种神秘的力量迫使我进行反思,而这种反思在我试图用言辞表达的那一刻,却令我觉得愚蠢至极。
偶然的夜晚,克拉苏的形象出现在我的脑海,如同一块碎片,让万物溃烂、抽动、翻腾。就是在这时,我觉得我自己也要发酵,要喷发,要起泡,要灼灼生亮。整个过程是一种狂热的思考,但思考的媒介比语言更迅即、更流动、更闪耀。它也形成一股漩涡,但似乎不如言语的漩涡那样企图引向深渊,却是朝向我自己,朝向更深处的子宫般的安宁。
我为您平添太多麻烦,我亲爱的朋友,用这详尽的描述讲着难以解释的状况,而这种病症通常会在我的体内久久难遣。
您友好万分地表达了您的不满,因为我写的书不再能送到您手中,“以弥补我们关系的消逝”。读到这句话,我不无遗憾地感到,在未来的一年里,在接下来的一年里,在我生命的所有岁月里,我将不会再写一本书,无论是用英语还是用拉丁语:出于这奇怪而令人尴尬的原因,我必须把这个原因留给您,让您以无尽的思想优势,把它放在物质和精神价值的领域里,和谐呈现在您无偏见的眼前:即是说,因为我书写且思考的语言既非拉丁语,亦非英语,既非意大利文,亦非西班牙文,而是一种我不识一字的语言,一种无生命之物向我说话的语言,有一天,我可能要在一位未知的法官面前为自己辩解。
我衷心希望在这封,可能是最后一封,写给弗朗西斯·培根的信中,表达我对这位心目中最为伟大的恩人、当代最为杰出的英国人的爱与感激,以及我无以言表的敬佩之情。我会一直心怀此情,直至死亡将其粉毁。

写于1603年8月22日
菲利普·钱多斯




The Letter of Lord Chandos

Hugo von Hofmannsthal


This is the letter Philip, Lord Chandos, younger son of the Earl of Bath, wrote to Francis Bacon, later Baron Verulam, Viscount St. Albans, apologizing for his complete abandonment of literary activity.

IT IS kind of you, my esteemed friend, to condone my two years of silence and to write to me thus. It is more than kind of you to give to your solicitude about me, to your perplexity at what appears to you as mental stagnation, the expression of lightness and jest which only great men, convinced of the perilousness of life yet not discouraged by it, can master.

You conclude with the aphorism of Hippocrates, “Qui gravi morbo correpti dolores non sentiunt, us mens aegrotat” (Those who do not perceive that they are wasted by serious illness are sick in mind), and suggest that I am in need of medicine not only to conquer my malady, but even more, to sharpen my senses for the condition of my inner self. I would fain give you an answer such as you deserve, fain reveal myself to you entirely, but I do not know how to set about it. Hardly do I know whether I am still the same person to whom your precious letter is addressed. Was it I who, now six-and-twenty, at nineteen wrote The New Paris, The Dream of Daphne, Epithalamium, those pastorals reeling under the splendour of their words-plays which a divine Queen and several overindulgent lords and gentlemen are gracious enough still to remember? And again, was it I who, at three-and-twenty, beneath the stone arcades of the great Venetian piazza, found in myself that structure of Latin prose whose plan and order delighted me more than did the monuments of Palladio and Sansovino rising out of the sea? And could I, if otherwise I am still the same person, have lost from my inner inscrutable self all traces and scars of this creation of my most intensive thinking - lost them so completely that in your letter now lying before me the title of my short treatise stares at me strange and cold? I could not even comprehend, at first, what the familiar picture meant, but had to study it word by word, as though these Latin terms thus strung together were meeting my eye for the first time. But I am, after all, that person, and there is rhetoric in these questions - rhetoric which is good for women or for the House of Commons, whose power, however, so overrated by our time, is not sufficient to penetrate into the core of things. But it is my inner self that I feel bound to reveal to you - a peculiarity, a vice, a disease of my mind, if you like - if you are to understand that an abyss equally unbridgeable separates me from the literary works lying seemingly ahead of me as from those behind me: the latter having become so strange to me that I hesitate to call them my property.

I know not whether to admire more the urgency of your benevolence or the unbelievable sharpness of your memory, when you recall to me the various little projects I entertained during those days of rare enthusiasm which we shared together. True, I did plan to describe the first years of the reign of our glorious sovereign, the late Henry VIII. The papers bequeathed to me by my grandfather, the Duke of Exeter, concerning his negotiations with France and Portugal, offered me some foundation. And out of Sallust, in those happy, stimulating days, there flowed into me as though through never congested conduits the realization of form - that deep, true, inner form which can be sensed only beyond the domain of rhetorical tricks: that form of which one can no longer say that it organizes subject-matter, for it penetrates it, dissolves it, creating at once both dream and reality, an interplay of eternal forces, something as marvellous as music or algebra. This was my most treasured plan.

But what is man that he should make plans!

I also toyed with other schemes. These, too, your kind letter conjures up. Each one, bloated with a drop of my blood, dances before me like a weary gnat against a sombre wall whereon the bright sun of halcyon days no longer lies.

I wanted to decipher the fables, the mythical tales bequeathed to us by the Ancients, in which painters and sculptors found an endless and thoughtless pleasure decipher them as the hieroglyphs of a secret, inexhaustible wisdom whose breath I sometimes seemed to feel as though from behind a veil.

I well remember this plan. It was founded on I know not what sensual and spiritual desire: as the hunted hart craves water, so I craved to enter these naked, glistening bodies, these sirens and dryads, this Narcissus and Proteus, Perseus and Actaeon. I longed to disappear in them and talk out of them with tongues. And I longed for more. I planned to start an Apophthegmata, like that composed by Julius Caesar: you will remember that Cicero mentions it in a letter. In it I thought of setting side by side the most memorable sayings which - while associating with the learned men and witty women of our time, with unusual people from among the simple folk or with erudite and distinguished personages I had managed to collect during my travels. With these I meant to combine the brilliant maxims and reflections from classical and Italian works, and anything else of intellectual adornment that appealed to me in books, in manuscripts or conversations; the arrangement, moreover, of particularly beautiful festivals and pageants, strange crimes and cases of madness, descriptions of the greatest and most characteristic architectural monuments in the Netherlands, in France and Italy; and many other things. The whole work was to have been entitled Nosce te ipsum.

To sum up: In those days I, in a state of continuous intoxication, conceived the whole of existence as one great unit: the spiritual and physical worlds seemed to form no contrast, as little as did courtly and bestial conduct, art and barbarism, solitude and society; in everything I felt the presence of Nature, in the aberrations of insanity as much as in the utmost refinement of the Spanish ceremonial; in the boorishness of young peasants no less than in the most delicate of allegories; and in all expressions of Nature I felt myself. When in my hunting lodge I drank the warm foaming milk which an unkempt wench had drained into a wooden pail from the udder of a beautiful gentle-eyed cow, the sensation was no different from that which I experienced when, seated on a bench built into the window of my study, my mind absorbed the sweet and foaming nourishment from a book. The one was like the other: neither was superior to the other, whether in dreamlike celestial quality or in physical intensity - and thus it prevailed through the whole expanse of life in all directions; everywhere I was in the centre of it, never suspecting mere appearance: at other times I divined that all was allegory and that each creature was a key to all the others; and I felt myself the one capable of seizing each by the handle and unlocking as many of the others as were ready to yield. This explains the title which I had intended to give to this encyclopedic book.

To a person susceptible to such ideas, it might appear a well-designed plan of divine Providence that my mind should fall from such a state of inflated arrogance into this extreme of despondency and feebleness which is now the permanent condition of my inner self. Such religious ideas, however, have no power over me: they belong to the cobwebs through which my thoughts dart out into the void, while the thoughts of so many others are caught there and come to rest. To me the mysteries of faith have been condensed into a lofty allegory which arches itself over the fields of my life like a radiant rainbow, ever remote, ever prepared to recede should it occur to me to rush toward it and wrap myself into the folds of its mantle.

But, my dear friend, worldly ideas also evade me in a like manner. How shall I try to describe to you these strange spiritual torments, this rebounding of the fruit-branches above my outstretched hands, this recession of the murmuring stream from my thirsting lips?

My case, in short, is this: I have lost completely the ability to think or to speak of anything coherently.

At first I grew by degrees incapable of discussing a loftier or more general subject in terms of which everyone, fluently and without hesitation, is wont to avail himself. I experienced an inexplicable distaste for so much as uttering the words spirit, soul, or body. I found it impossible to express an opinion on the affairs at Court, the events in Parliament, or whatever you wish. This was not motivated by any form of personal deference (for you know that my candour borders on imprudence), but because the abstract terms of which the tongue must avail itself as a matter of course in order to voice a judgment - these terms crumbled in my mouth like mouldy fungi. Thus, one day, while reprimanding my four-year-old daughter, Katherina Pompilia, for a childish lie of which she had been guilty and demonstrating to her the necessity of always being truthful, the ideas streaming into my mind suddenly took on such iridescent colouring, so flowed over into one another, that I reeled off the sentence as best I could, as if suddenly overcome by illness. Actually, I did feel myself growing pale, and with a violent pressure on my forehead I left the child to herself, slammed the door behind me, and began to recover to some extent only after a brief gallop over the lonely pasture.

Gradually, however, these attacks of anguish spread like a corroding rust. Even in familiar and humdrum conversation all the opinions which are generally expressed with ease and sleep-walking assurance became so doubtful that I had to cease altogether taking part in such talk. It filled me with an inexplicable anger, which I could conceal only with effort, to hear such things as: This affair has turned out well or ill for this or that person; Sheriff N. is a bad, Parson T. a good man; Farmer M. is to be pitied, his sons are wasters; another is to be envied because his daughters are thrifty; one family is rising in the world, another is on the downward path. All this seemed as indemonstrable, as mendacious and hollow as could be. My mind compelled me to view all things occurring in such conversations from an uncanny closeness. As once, through a magnifying glass, I had seen a piece of skin on my little finger look like a field full of holes and furrows, so I now perceived human beings and their actions. I no longer succeeded in comprehending them with the simplifying eye of habit. For me everything disintegrated into parts, those parts again into parts; no longer would anything let itself be encompassed by one idea. Single words floated round me; they congealed into eyes which stared at me and into which I was forced to stare back - whirlpools which gave me vertigo and, reeling incessantly, led into the void.

I tried to rescue myself from this plight by seeking refuge in the spiritual world of the Ancients. Plato I avoided, for I dreaded the perilousness of his imagination. Of them all, I intended to concentrate on Seneca and Cicero. Through the harmony of their clearly defined and orderly ideas I hoped to regain my health. But I was unable to find my way to them. These ideas, I understood them well: I saw their wonderful interplay rise before me like magnificent fountains upon which played golden balls. I could hover around them and watch how they played, one with the other; but they were concerned only with each other, and the most profound, most personal quality of my thinking remained excluded from this magic circle. In their company I was overcome by a terrible sense of loneliness; I felt like someone locked in a garden surrounded by eyeless statues. So once more I escaped into the open.

Since that time I have been leading an existence which I fear you can hardly imagine, so lacking in spirit and thought is its flow: an existence which, it is true, differs little from that of my neighbours, my relations, and most of the land owning nobility of this kingdom, and which is not utterly bereft of gay and stimulating moments. It is not easy for me to indicate wherein these good moments subsist; once again words desert me. For it is, indeed, something entirely unnamed, even barely nameable which, at such moments, reveals itself to me, filling like a vessel any casual object of my daily surroundings with an overflowing flood of higher life. I cannot expect you to understand me without examples, and I must plead your indulgence for their absurdity. A pitcher, a harrow abandoned in a field, a dog in the sun, a neglected cemetery, a cripple, a peasant's hut-all these can become the vessel of my revelation. Each of these objects and a thousand others similar, over which the eye usually glides with a natural indifference, can suddenly, at any moment (which I am utterly powerless to evoke), assume for me a character so exalted and moving that words seem too poor to describe it. Even the distinct image of an absent object, in fact, can acquire the mysterious function of being filled to the brim with this silent but suddenly rising flood of divine sensation. Recently, for instance, I had given the order for a copious supply of rat-poison to be scattered in the milk cellars of one of my dairy-farms. Towards evening I had gone off for a ride and, as you can imagine, thought no more about it. As I was trotting along over the freshly-ploughed land, nothing more alarming in sight than a scared covey of quail and, in the distance, the great sun sinking over the undulating fields, there suddenly loomed up before me the vision of that cellar, resounding with the death-struggle of a mob of rats. I felt everything within me: the cool, musty air of the cellar filled with the sweet and pungent reek of poison, and the yelling of the death cries breaking against the mouldering walls; the vain convulsions of those convoluted bodies as they tear about in confusion and despair; their frenzied search for escape, and the grimace of icy rage when a couple collide with one another at a blocked-up crevice. But why seek again for words which I have foresworn! You remember, my friend, the wonderful description in Livy of the hours preceding the destruction of Alba Longa: when the crowds stray aimlessly through the streets which they are to see no more . . . when they bid farewell to the stones beneath their feet. I assure you, my friend, I carried this vision within me, and the vision of burning Carthage, too; but there was more, something more divine, more bestial; and it was the Present, the fullest, most exalted Present. There was a mother, surrounded by her young in their agony of death; but her gaze was cast neither toward the dying nor upon the merciless walls of stone, but into the void, or through the void into Infinity, accompanying this gaze with a gnashing of teeth!-A slave struck with helpless terror standing near the petrifying Niobe must have experienced what I experienced when, within me, the soul of this animal bared its teeth to its monstrous fate.

Forgive this description, but do not think that it was pity I felt. For if you did, my example would have been poorly chosen. It was far more and far less than pity: an immense sympathy, a flowing over into these creatures, or a feeling that an aura of life and death, of dream and wakefulness, had flowed for a moment into them - but whence? For what had it to do with pity, or with any comprehensible concatenation of human thought when, on another evening, on finding beneath a nut-tree a half-filled pitcher which a gardener boy had left there, and the pitcher and the water in it, darkened by the shadow of the tree, and a beetle swimming on the surface from shore to shore - when this combination of trifles sent through me such a shudder at the presence of the Infinite, a shudder running from the roots of my hair to the marrow of my heels? What was it that made me want to break into words which, I know, were I to find them, would force to their knees those cherubim in whom I do not believe? What made me turn silently away from this place? Even now, after weeks, catching sight of that nut-tree, I pass it by with a shy sidelong glance, for I am loath to dispel the memory of the miracle hovering there round the trunk, loath to scare away the celestial shudders that still linger about the shrubbery in this neighbourhood! In these moments an insignificant creature - a dog, a rat, a beetle, a crippled apple tree, a lane winding over the hill, a moss-covered stone, mean more to me than the most beautiful, abandoned mistress of the happiest night. These mute and, on occasion, inanimate creatures rise toward me with such an abundance, such a presence of love, that my enchanted eye can find nothing in sight void of life. Everything that exists, everything I can remember, everything touched upon by my confused thoughts, has a meaning. Even my own heaviness, the general torpor of my brain, seems to acquire a meaning; I experience in and around me a blissful, never-ending interplay, and among the objects playing against one another there is not one into which I cannot flow. To me, then, it is as though my body consists of nought but ciphers which give me the key to everything; or as if we could enter into a new and hopeful relationship with the whole of existence if only we begin to think with the heart. As soon, however, as this strange enchantment falls from me, I find myself confused; wherein this harmony transcending me and the entire world consisted, and how it made itself known to me, I could present in sensible words as little as I could say anything precise about the inner movements of my intestines or a congestion of my blood.

Apart from these strange occurrences, which, incidentally, I hardly know whether to ascribe to the mind or the body, I live a life of barely believable vacuity, and have difficulties in concealing from my wife this inner stagnation, and from my servants the indifference wherewith I contemplate the affairs of my estates. The good and strict education which I owe to my late father and the early habit of leaving no hour of the day unused are the only things, it seems to me, which help me maintain towards the outer world the stability and the dignified appearance appropriate to my class and my person.

I am rebuilding a wing of my house and am capable of conversing occasionally with the architect concerning the progress of his work; I administer my estates, and my tenants and employees may find me, perhaps, somewhat more taciturn but no less benevolent than of yore. None of them, standing with doffed cap before the door of his house while I ride by of an evening, will have any idea that my glance, which he is wont respectfully to catch, glides with longing over the rickety boards under which he searches for earthworms for fishing-bait; that it plunges through the latticed window into the stuffy chamber where, in a corner, the low bed with its chequered linen seems forever to be waiting for someone to die or another to be born; that my eye lingers long upon the ugly puppies or upon a cat stealing stealthily among the flower-pots; and that it seeks among all the poor and clumsy objects of a peasant's life for the one whose insignificant form, whose unnoticed being, whose mute existence, can become the source of that mysterious, wordless, and boundless ecstasy. For my unnamed blissful feeling is sooner brought about by a distant lonely shepherd's fire than by the vision of a starry sky, sooner by the chirping of the last dying cricket when the autumn wind chases wintry clouds across the deserted fields than by the majestic booming of an organ. And in my mind I compare myself from time to time with the orator Crassus, of whom it is reported that he grew so excessively enamoured of a tame lamprey-a dumb, apathetic, red-eyed fish in his ornamental pond-that it became the talk of the town; and when one day in the Senate Domitius reproached him for having shed tears over the death of this fish, attempting thereby to make him appear a fool, Crassus answered, “Thus have I done over the death of my fish as you have over the death of neither your first nor your second wife.”

I know not how oft this Crassus with his lamprey enters my mind as a mirrored image of my Self, reflected across the abyss of centuries. But not on account of the answer he gave Domitius. The answer brought the laughs on his side, and the whole affair turned into a jest. I, however, am deeply affected by the affair, which would have remained the same even had Domitius shed bitter tears of sorrow over his wives. For there would still have been Crassus, shedding tears over his lamprey. And about this figure, utterly ridiculous and contemptible in the midst of a world-governing senate discussing the most serious subjects, I feel compelled by a mysterious power to reflect in a manner which, the moment I attempt to express it in words, strikes me as supremely foolish. 

Now and then at night the image of this Crassus is in my brain, like a splinter round which everything festers, throbs, and boils. It is then that I feel as though I myself were about to ferment, to effervesce, to foam and to sparkle. And the whole thing is a kind of feverish thinking, but thinking in a medium more immediate, more liquid, more glowing than words. It, too, forms whirlpools, but of a sort that do not seem to lead, as the whirlpools of language, into the abyss, but into myself and into the deepest womb of peace.

I have troubled you excessively, my dear friend, with this extended description of an inexplicable condition which is wont, as a rule, to remain locked up in me.

You were kind enough to express your dissatisfaction that no book written by me reaches you any more, “to compensate for the loss of our relationship.” Reading that, I felt, with a certainty not entirely bereft of a feeling of sorrow, that neither in the coming year nor in the following nor in all the years of this my life shall I write a book, whether in English or in Latin: and this for an odd and embarrassing reason which I must leave to the boundless superiority of your mind to place in the realm of physical and spiritual values spread out harmoniously before your unprejudiced eye: to wit, because the language in which I might be able not only to write but to think is neither Latin nor English, neither Italian nor Spanish, but a language none of whose words is known to me, a language in which inanimate things speak to me and wherein I may one day have to justify myself before an unknown judge.

Fain had I the power to compress in this, presumably my last, letter to Francis Bacon all the love and gratitude, all the unmeasured admiration, which I harbour in my heart for the greatest benefactor of my mind, for the foremost Englishman of my day, and which I shall harbour therein until death break it asunder.

This 22 August, A.D. 1603

PHI. CHANDOS





草雨山日月
“找到你喜欢做的事,并让它杀了你。”