Being anything with you feels tormenting. I settled for the crumbs you slowly offered over time, choosing them over nothing at all. I settled for anything just to keep talking to you.
The moment you offered less, I knew it was time to go.
But my foolish heart refused to let go.
I stayed.
It felt like a desperate attempt to stay connected, and even though those crumbs left me hungrier for something more like you used to serve, I stayed just to be “something” with you even though it hurts.
Even a single crumb of your love feels more nourishing than the empty plate you left behind.
And being “nothing” with you? Oh, the crushing emptiness of that thought swallows me whole. It’s like ignoring the way my breath catches when I see someone who reminds me of you, or when I hear someone’s voice who sounds like you. It’s like pretending that the special connections we shared were just random coincidences. It’s like pretending the constellations we used to map onto each other’s skin were just random star patterns. And it’s like pretending that the stars you drew around my scars were just random drawings.
I’m stuck. Being with you hurts because it means settling for less than I deserve, for something you can no longer give me. But not being around you? That feels like a long, excruciating thing.
Ignoring you is challenging. I could never pretend I don’t know you. But being just a memory, a small piece of your past, is more painful.
How heartbreaking it is to love someone like you.
To feel the ache deep inside, knowing you’re not mine to hold onto.
I’m drowning in a sea of uncertainties, holding onto the broken pieces of a love story that feels both tragically unfinished and like a beautiful song that keeps playing over and over.
But even though it hurts to be “something” with you, it’s still better than being “nothing” at all.
So I guess I’ll stay here, a shrine to a love story that could have been, forever holding onto the crumbs you scattered in my path.
I don’t know where you are now. I still hope you’ll come back and when you do, I hope you will give back to me my heart that you took away when you left.
Originally published on medium.
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