There’s this guy I know called Tom.
He’s the kind of guy everyone likes. He’s not loud.
He carries a quiet, magnetic calm.
Over coffee one day near Camden market, I asked him how he’s always so chill around people.
Was it meditation? Breathing exercises? Some Jedi-level trick?
He chuckled and said, “I dunno really. I guess I just learned that how I feel isn’t about what people do, it’s about what I think about what people do.”
Let that sink in.
Most of us believe others make us frustrated, angry, or hurt.
It’s them doing it.
People make me nervous.
Corporate types are assholes.
etc
We hand over our power, thinking emotions are caused by other humans.
But what if they aren’t?
We live in an increasingly lonely and isolated world.
But the (right) people in our lives are everything.
Your connections are everything.
You can’t do what you want all alone.
This is something that has become increasingly apparent as I’ve gathered wrinkles.
This includes finding freedom, whether you want to live in a city or be a hermit in a cabin in the woods.
You need connections and you need people to be reliant on your skills, energy and talents.
Harnessing the skill of influencing others emotionally sets you apart and deepens your relationships.
Having a lack of emotional control is the defining factor I’ve found that determines the strength and longevity of these needed relationships.
The most essential part of emotional control is this:
Realise that your thoughts define how you feel, not the things or people around us.
Seeing this puts everything into perspective.
You are no longer a victim.
You are in control, and you can be calm whenever you like, no matter what others do or say.
Because your thoughts change like the wind in the trees (and you know this).
When you regain your emotional control you become a much more likeable person.
That’s how you build much-needed connections.
(And don’t blow up others because you were angry.)
Originally published on medium.
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