I have had a lot of time during the past 332 days to think about my sweet boy, my Hersh.

And one thing I keep thinking about is how out of all the mothers in the world, G-d chose to give Hersh to me. What must I have done in a past life to deserve such a beautiful gift? It must have been glorious.

Hersh and I watched some documentaries a couple of years ago together about young people who had died and he said, “How come everyone who dies young is always said to be, the funniest, the smartest, greatest, the handsomest? Why doesn’t anyone ever say, ‘I liked Max, but you know what? He was pretty stupid, his sense of humor was off and had bad breath?”

I am honest. And I say, it is not that Hersh was perfect. But, he was the perfect son for me. And I am so grateful to G-d, and I want to do hakarat hatov and thank G-d right now, for giving me this magnificent present of my Hersh…. For 23 years I was privileged to have this most stunning treasure, to be Hersh’s Mama. I’ll take it and say thank you. I just wish it had been for longer.

Hersh, for all of these months I have been in such torment worrying about you every millisecond of everyday. It was such a specific type of misery that I have never experienced before. I tried hard to suppress the missing you part. Because that, I was convinced, would break me. So I spent 330 terrified, scared, worrying, and frightened. It closed my throat and made my soul throb with 3rd degree burns.

Part of what is so deeply crushing and confusing for us is that a strange thing happened along this macabre path upon which our family found itself traveling for the past 332 days. Amidst the inexplicable agony, terror, anguish, desperation and fear….we became absolutely CERTAIN, that you were coming home to us ALIVE. But it was not to be.

Now I no longer have to worry about you. I know you are no longer in danger. You are with beautiful Aner; he will show you around. You will hopefully meet my grandparents, who will adore you, and start to play chess with Papa Stan. But now my worry shifts to us: Dada, Leebie, Orly and me. How do we do the rest of this life without you?

I also pray that your death will be a turning point in this horrible situation in which we are all entangled. I take such comfort knowing you were with Carmel, Ori, Eden, Almog and Alex. From what I have been told, they each were delightful in different ways, and I think that is how the 6 of you managed to stay alive in unimaginable circumstances for so very long. You each did every single thing right to survive 329 days in what I can only call Hell.

I send each of the families my deepest sympathies for what we are all going through and for the sickening feeling that we all could not save them. I think we all did every single thing we could. The hope that perhaps a deal was near, was so authentic it was crunchy. It tasted CLOSE. But it was not to be so. Those beautiful 6 survived together and those beautiful 6 died together. And now they will be remembered together forever.

Hersh, like most parents, Dada and I often would talk about who you would become, what you would be like when you ‘grew up’, what you would do, what you would look like, what kind of parent you would be. But now you will be forever our beautiful boy. You will stay energetic, kind, patient, curious, funny, irreverent, pensive. Forever handsome. Forever young. Forever my sweet boy.

You squeezed into your young life a lot of experiences. And that gives me relief and comfort. You made true and deep friendships, you traveled each summer and started to explore the world, you worked, you learned, you read, you taught, you served, you listened, you even fell in love and had a deep true relationship for more than 2 years. And you shared the excitement of that new experience with us. You charmed everyone you ever talked to, old or young. You promoted justice and peace in a way a only a young pure, wide-eyed idealist, can. You never raised your voice to me in your life. You treated me respectfully always, even when you chose a different path.

When you wrote to us from the bomb shelter you had just seen Aner get killed. You had lost your arm, and you thought you were dying. You wrote to us, “I’m sorry” because you knew how crushing it would be for us to lose you, so you fought to stay alive… all this time. But now, you are gone.

At this time I ask your forgiveness. If ever I was impatient or insensitive to you during your life, or neglectful in some way, I deeply and sincerely request your forgiveness. If there was something we could have done to save you and we didn’t think of it, I beg your forgiveness. We tried so very hard. So deeply and desperately. I’m sorry.
Now, my Hersh I ask for your help.

As we transform our hope into grief and this new unknown brand of pain, I beg of you, please do what you can to have your light shine down on me, Dada, Leebie and Orly. Help shower us with healing and resilience. Help us to rise again. I know it will take a long time, but please may G-d bless us that one day, one fine day, Dada, Leebie, Orly and I will hear laughter, and we will turn around and see… that it’s us. And that we are ok. You will always be with us as a force of love and vitality, you will become our superpower.

To Dalya, Matt, and Richard who came to be with us every single day during this Odessey of torture, there will never be enough time or words to express my gratitude to each of you.

And I want to say now the sincerest and most heartfelt thank you to the countless people in our extended community who have held us, cared for us, prayed for us, cooked for us, and carried us when we could not stand up.

I’m so thankful to you, and I apologize deeply, but we will need continued help to get through this sickening new chapter too. I am so sorry to ask, because we have given you nothing, and you have already given so profoundly and completely. But I beg of you all, please don’t leave us now.

Ok, sweet boy, go now on your journey, I hope it’s as good as the trips you dreamed about, because finally, my sweet sweet boy, finally, finally, finally, finally you are FREE!

I will love you and I will miss you every single day for the rest of my life. But you are right here. I know you are right here, I just have to teach myself to feel you in a new way.

And Hersh, I need you to do one last thing for us…. Now I need YOU to help us to stay strong. And I need YOU to help us to survive.