To build closer friendships, experts say tell your friends you appreciate them, be vulnerable and “repot” the relationship.
The Washington Post
Friendship
Close friends give each other support, relief or just a brief moment of levity. But Americans are spending less time with their friends and the U.S. surgeon general has warned that loneliness — one’s perception of their social isolation — is now a threat to public health that’s akin to smoking cigarettes. It may even increase risk of dementia.
So, how can you invest in your friendships?
Friendships grow when two people regularly see each other (ideally, because they live near each other), when they bond over common interests and when they start to confide in each other, researchers say.
‘It’s not enough to just spend a bunch of time together at work’
One of the most challenging parts of social connection is finding the time away from work and family to invest in friends.
“We have friends. We understand the value of friends,” said Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas. But “it’s very hard to prioritize the time it takes to really enjoy our friendships.”
In a study of new friendships published in 2019, Hall determined it can take more than 200 hours together for an acquaintance to become a close friend. But how you spend your time with someone and what you talk about can speed up the process.
“It’s not enough to just spend a bunch of time together at work,” Hall said. “What’s usually required is a context shift.”
“Repot” the relationship. Change the scenery and mix up where you socialize. Repotting a friendship helps people show different sides of themselves, which deepens a bond, said Marisa G. Franco, a professor at the University of Maryland and the author of “Platonic: How to Make and Keep Friends As An Adult.” (“Repotting” is a term first used in a report on close friendships.)
Invite a co-worker or classmate to grab lunch or join your softball team, Hall said. You’re going to start talking about your job or school because that’s a common interest, but the conversation will move along to, say, sports teams or favorite TV shows.
“That’s the process of friendship development,” Hall said. “It’s a process of saying: I want to know more about you beyond the thing we already share.”
Be vulnerable. Tell a friend what you’re struggling with, Franco said. People mirror each other in conversation. If you’re not vulnerable, the other person may also hold back.
“If you want to have more depth, you're probably going to have to go first,” Franco said. “Vulnerability begets vulnerability.”
Confiding in each other is one way to form a close relationship, said Melanie Dirks, chair of the department of psychology at McGill University.
But some friends might not want to talk about their more intimate concerns, Waldinger said. And that’s fine; different friendships provide different benefits.
Tell your friends you appreciate them. People often choose relationships based on whether they believe there’s a risk of getting rejected, Franco said. When we tell someone we appreciate them, we’re saying “I’m not going to reject you.”
And Thanksgiving is already the time of year for giving thanks, Schulz said.
3 tips for being a better friend
Take small steps, such as texting three friends every morning and carving out time on the calendar for regular get-togethers.
Waldinger and Schulz call it “social fitness,” the same as exercising regularly.
“If we don’t exercise those social muscles, we lose them,” said Schulz, who co-wrote the book “The Good Life” with Waldinger.
Show up for your friends. You don’t need to say yes to every invite but it’s important to be there at “diagnostic moments,” whether it’s an engagement, a job promotion — or, a layoff or divorce, Franco said.
“How our friends showed up in those moments of high emotion can really determine how we see the friendship overall,” Franco said.
Be a listener. It’s important to show interest and full attention to what a friend is telling you, said Rich Slatcher, a psychology professor at the University of Georgia. When someone is in need, they’re looking for a friend who is responsive.
“We want to be seen and heard and understood,” Schulz said. “It’s pretty simple.” ■
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