哈佛大学公布了10篇优秀Application Essays，本文分上下两篇分享，每篇分享5篇Essay 以及 哈佛大学教授点评（已做中文批注），具体内容如下：
接上一篇发表文章，下方为剩余6篇 Essays 分享：
（第六篇）Tony's Essay ：Beauty in Complexity
Gazing up at the starry sky, I see Cygnus, Hercules, and Pisces, remnants of past cultures. I listen to waves crash on the beach, the forces of nature at work. Isn’t it odd how stars are flaming spheres and electrical impulses make beings sentient? The very existence of our world is a wonder; what are the odds that this particular planet developed all the necessary components, parts that all work in unison, to support life? How do they interact? How did they come to be? I thought back to how my previously simplistic mind-set evolved this past year.
At Balboa, juniors and seniors join one of five small learning communities, which are integrated into the curriculum. Near the end of sophomore year, I ranked my choices: Law Academy first—it seemed the most prestigious—and WALC, the Wilderness Arts and Literacy Collaborative, fourth. So when I was sorted into WALC, I felt disappointed at the inflexibility of my schedule and bitter toward my classes. However, since students are required to wait at least a semester before switching pathways, I stayed in WALC. My experiences that semester began shifting my ambition-oriented paradigm to an interest-oriented one. I didn’t switch out.
Beyond its integrated classes, WALC takes its students on trips to natural areas not only to build community among its students, but also to explore complex natural processes and humanity’s role in them. Piecing these lessons together, I create an image of our universe. I can visualize the carving of glacial valleys, the creation and gradation of mountains by uplift and weathering, and the transportation of nutrients to and from ecosystems by rivers and salmon. I see these forces on the surface of a tiny planet rotating on its axis and orbiting the sun, a gem in this vast universe. Through WALC, I have gained an intimate understanding of natural systems and an addiction to understanding the deep interconnections embedded in our cosmos.
Understanding a system’s complex mechanics not only satisfies my curiosity, but also adds beauty to my world; my understanding of tectonic and gradational forces allows me to appreciate mountains and coastlines beyond aesthetics. By physically going to the place described in WALC’s lessons, I have not only gained the tools to admire these systems, but have also learned to actually appreciate them. This creates a thirst to see more beauty in a world that’s filled with poverty and violence, and a hunger for knowledge to satisfy that thirst. There are so many different systems to examine and dissect—science alone has universal, planetary, molecular, atomic, and subatomic scales to investigate. I hope to be able to find my interests by taking a variety of courses in college, and further humanity’s understanding through research, so that all can derive a deeper appreciation for the complex systems that govern this universe.
教授点评：
Professional Review by Dan Lichterman
Tony’s essay opens with stargazing at the ocean’s edge where we experience his boundless curiosity towards the natural world, sentience, and life itself. This wide-eyed wonderment is rendered artfully, yet what actually enables this essay to succeed is its ability to ponder deep concepts without getting lost in the clouds.
The story itself revolves around an event that seems far removed from the incomprehensibility of the universe: a randomized selection has assigned Tony to study wilderness arts when he preferred the path of law. He is bitter that a decision impacting his studies has been determined by chance. We see vulnerability in his admission that he was beholden to an “ambition oriented paradigm,” rather than studying what interested him most. However, what we discover through the rest of the essay is that Tony’s decision to remain in wilderness arts is one that has transformed him completely, changing his perspective from a “simplistic mindset” to one that is addicted to “understanding the deep interconnections embedded in our cosmos.”
The strength of Tony’s language helps us appreciate the breadth and excitement of his unforseen awakening. From visualizing the “carving of glacial valleys” to reveling in the complex mechanics of natural systems, the essay showcases how much more Tony appreciates our world thanks to an event that had once seemed unfairly arbitrary. Observing Tony’s thirst for life’s interconnectedness, we grow confident that his evolving perspective will guide his studies into exciting unexpected realms.
Tony的文章以凝视海洋边缘开始，在那里我们体验到他对自然世界、感知力和生命本身的无限好奇。这种睁大眼睛的惊叹被巧妙地呈现出来，但真正使这篇文章成功的是它能够在不迷失在云端的情况下思考深层概念。
故事本身围绕着一个似乎与宇宙的不可理解性相去甚远的事件展开：一项随机选择让托尼在更喜欢法律的道路上学习wilderness arts。他很痛苦，因为一个影响他学习方向的决定是偶然出现的。我们看到了他的脆弱性，他承认自己受制于“ambition oriented paradigm”，而不是研究他最感兴趣的东西。然而，我们在文章的其余部分发现，Tony决定继续从事wilderness arts，这一决定彻底改变了他，将他的观点从“简单化的心态”改变为沉迷于“理解我们宇宙中根深蒂固的相互联系”
Tony语言的力量有助于我们欣赏他未被预见的觉醒的广度和兴奋。从想象冰川山谷的雕刻到陶醉于自然系统的复杂力学，这篇文章展示了Tony对世界有多么欣赏，这要归功于一个曾经看起来不公平的武断事件。使读者了解到Tony对生活相互联系的渴望，我们越来越相信，他不断发展的视角将引导他的研究进入令人兴奋的意想不到的领域。
（第七篇）Michelle C.'s Essay
“You should scrub off the top layer of your skin whenever you lose a round,” my debate teammate once advised me.
“That’s not practical,” I replied.
“Neither is your refusal to wear clothes you’ve lost important debate rounds in. Your wardrobe has very little to do with your success.”
Half of me disagrees with him. I still bring three BIC Round Stic pencils with 0.7 lead to every test because my gut tells me this fastidious procedure raises my scores. I’m still convinced that labs receive better grades if written in Calibri. And I still won’t rewear clothes in which I’ve lost crucial rounds.
Yet the other half of me is equally dismissive of my own superstitions. I love logic, never failing to check that steps in a proof lead to a precise conclusion without gaps in reasoning.
Fortunately, I often abandon my penchant for pragmatism to accommodate for my unwarranted superstitions. And since I only feel the need to act logicalcally in selective situations, I am perfectly content with the illogical nature of my other habits:
Raised with my great-grandmother, grandparents, and parents all under one roof, I never lacked a consultant to help me transcribe Korean holiday dates from the lunar calendar onto my schedule. Yet whenever all four generations of my family celebrates with a traditional meal of bulgogi, my untraceable and admittedly nonexistent Italian blood flares in protest; I rebelliously cook myself linguine con le vongole that clashes terribly with my mom’s pungent kimchi.
If I plot a graph of “hours I spend in physical activity” versus “week of the year,” the result looks like an irregular cardiac cycle. The upsurges symbolize my battles with colossal walls of water in hopes of catching a smooth surf back to Mission Bay shore. The ensuing period of rest mirrors the hours I spend researching in that one spot in my debate team’s war room that isn’t covered in papers (yet), or at the piano sight-reading the newest Adele song. Then the diastolic tranquility is interrupted by the weekends when I’m sprinting through trenches to avoid paintballs swarming above my favorite arena at Paintball USA.
I find comfort in the familiar. I treasure the regular midnight chats with my brother as we indulge in batter while baking cupcakes for a friend’s birthday, keeping our voices hushed to avoid waking our mom and facing her “salmonella is in your near future”lecture. Yet, some of my fondest memories involve talking to people with whom I share nothing in common. Whether my conversations are about the Qatari coach’s research on Kuwait’s female voting patterns, or about the infinite differences between the “common app” and the Oxford interviewing process, or even about my friend’s Swedish school’s peculiar policy of mandating uniforms only on Wednesdays, I love comparing cultures with debaters from different countries.
My behavior is unpredictable. Yet it’s predictably unpredictable. Sure, I’ll never eat a Korean dinner like one might expect. But I’ll always be cooking linguine the moment I catch a whiff of kimchi.
教授点评：
Professional Review by Key Education (Bryan)
Most often, it is the down-to-earth topics that make for the most successful Common App essays. My students have written on subjects as mundane as cleaning, loading the dishwasher, eraser shavings, finding a piece of driftwood, or looking after not one, but two Shiba Inus. And so, it was a delight to read Michelle Choi’s essay. Choi took an idea that the rest of us probably give very little thought to – superstitions – and effectively used it as a focusing lens to explore different parts of her life.
By drawing these connections between seemingly unrelated and different aspects of her life, Choi demonstrated her ability to introspect while giving the reader a richer picture of who she is. Choi is not just another high achiever. Her superstitions – and that ever-present struggle between being logical and superstitious – is what makes her appealing. One can’t help but to like her. As I often remind my students, quirky is cool.
With Choi’s hook, the reader’s attention is immediately captured. One could be forgiven for probably cringing a little at the thought of scrubbing off a layer of one’s own skin. And besides that, what was Choi even going on about? Her opening compels the reader to want to keep on reading. Very early on in her essay, we know that debating is a core part of her identity. As she guides the reader through the rest of her essay, she skillfully connects her superstitions to other important aspects of her life, including her cultural heritage, family, surfing, music, paintball, baking, conversations with random strangers, and examinations of different cultures around the world. These various connections give the reader insight into what drives Choi as someone who is profoundly curious and quirky, someone who takes a different approach to things, whether it be intentionally combining Korean and Italian cuisine (I picture the likes of Gordon Ramsay already shuddering at the clash of flavors) to playing pop on the piano (perhaps a refreshingly different take than Mozart or Beethoven).
If I could offer one suggestion, it would be that after reading Choi’s essay, I was craving a little more. Perhaps she could have expanded slightly: what did she learn from this process of being unconventional? How did it influence the way she saw the world and influenced her actions? And in what ways did she apply this learning? That said, even with her essay, Choi does what many other students don’t with their Common App essay; she takes that a unique approach using a down-to-earth topic as a focusing lens to draw connections to various parts of her life.
大多数情况下，最成功的Common App文章是由“真实，脚踏实地”的主题构成的。我的学生们写过一些平凡的话题，比如清洁、装洗碗机、擦屑、找一块漂流木，或者照顾两个Shiba Inus.。因此，读到Choi的文章是一件令人愉快的事。Choi采纳了一个我们其他人可能很少考虑的想法：迷信，并有效地将其作为一个聚焦镜头来探索她生活的不同部分。
通过将这些看似不相关的和不同的生活方面联系起来，Choi展示了她自省的能力，同时让读者更了解她是谁。Choi不仅仅是another high achiever，她的迷信，以及一直存在的客观逻辑和迷信之间的斗争，是她吸引人的原因。人们忍不住要喜欢她。正如我经常提醒学生的那样，有的时候“怪癖”很酷。
有了Choi描述的“引子”，读者的注意力立刻被吸引住了。除此之外，Choi到底在干什么？她的开场白迫使读者想继续阅读。在她的文章前部分，我们就知道辩论是她身份的核心部分。当她引导读者阅读文章的其余部分时，她巧妙地将自己的迷信与生活的其他重要方面联系起来，包括她的文化遗产、家庭、冲浪、音乐、烘焙、与随机陌生人的对话，以及对世界各地不同文化的考察。这些不同的联系让读者深入了解是什么驱使Choi成为一个非常好奇和古怪的人，一个对事情采取不同方法的人。
如果我能提供一个建议的话，那就是在阅读了Choi的文章后，我渴望更多。也许她本可以稍微扩展一下：她从这个非传统的过程中学到了什么？它是如何影响她看待世界的方式和影响她的行为的？她是如何运用这些知识的？也就是说，即使在她的作文中，Choi也做了许多其他学生在Common App作文中没有做的事情；她采用了一种独特的方法，用一个脚踏实地的话题作为聚焦镜头，将其与生活的各个部分联系起来。
（第八篇）Michelle G.'s Essay
Red, orange, purple, gold...I was caught in a riot of shifting colors. I pranced up and down the hill, my palms extended to the moving collage of butterflies that surrounded me. “Would you like to learn how to catch one?” Grandfather asked, holding out a glass jar. “Yes!” I cheered, his huge calloused fingers closing my chubby five-year-old hands around it carefully.
Grandfather put his finger to his lips, and I obliged as I watched him deftly maneuver his net. He caught one marvelous butterfly perched on a flower, and I clutched the open jar in anticipation as he slid the butterfly inside. It quivered and fell to the bottom of the jar, and I gasped. It struggled until its wings, ablaze in a glory of orange and red, quivered to a stop. I watched, wide-eyed, as it stopped moving. “Grandpa! What’s happening?”
My grandfather had always had a collection of butterflies, but that was the first time I saw him catch one. After witnessing the first butterfly die, I begged him to keep them alive; I even secretly let some of them go. Therefore, to compromise, he began carrying a special jar for the days I accompanied him on his outings, a jar to keep the living butterflies. But the creatures we caught always weakened and died after a few days in captivity, no matter how tenderly I fed and cared for them. Grandfather took me aside and explained that the lifespan of an adult butterfly was very short. They were not meant to live forever: their purpose was to flame brilliantly and then fade away. Thus, his art serves as a memory of their beauty, an acknowledgement of nature’s ephemeral splendor.
But nothing could stay the same. I moved to America and as the weekly excursions to the mountainside ended, so did our lessons in nature and science. Although six thousand miles away, I would never forget how my grandpa’s wrinkles creased when he smiled or how he always smelled like mountain flowers.
As I grew older and slowly understood how Grandfather lived his life, I began to follow in his footsteps. He protected nature’s beauty from decay with his art, and in the same way, I tried to protect my relationships, my artwork, and my memories. I surrounded myself with the journals we wrote together, but this time I recorded my own accomplishments, hoping to one day show him what I had done. I recorded everything, from the first time I spent a week away from home to the time I received a gold medal at the top of the podium at the California Tae Kwon Do Competition. I filled my new home in America with the photographs from my childhood and began to create art of my own. Instead of catching butterflies like my grandpa, I began experimenting with butterfly wing art as my way of preserving nature’s beauty. Soon my home in America became a replica of my home in China, filled from wall to wall with pictures and memories.
Nine long years passed before I was reunited with him. The robust man who once chased me up the hillside had developed arthritis, and his thick black hair had turned white. The grandfather I saw now was not the one I knew; we had no hobby and no history in common, and he became another adult, distant and unapproachable. With this, I forgot all about the journals and photos that I had kept and wanted to share with him.
After weeks of avoidance, I gathered my courage and sat with him once again. This time, I carried a large, leather-bound book with me. “Grandfather,” I began, and held out the first of my many journals. These were my early days in America, chronicled through pictures, art, and neatly-printed English. On the last page was a photograph of me and my grandfather, a net in his hand and a jar in mine. As I saw our faces, shining with proud smiles, I began to remember our days on the mountainside, catching butterflies and halting nature’s eventual decay.
My grandfather has weakened over the years, but he is still the wise man who raised me and taught me the value of capturing the beauty of life. Although he has grown old, I have grown up. His legs are weak, but his hands are still as gentle as ever. Therefore, this time, it will be different. This time, I will no longer recollect memories, but create new ones.
教授点评
Professional Review by HS2 Academy
This essay presents a poetic recollection of the author’s early childhood experiences with her grandfather. It paints a beautiful picture of her learning a valuable life lesson on the ephemeral nature of beauty and art, while also portraying the author as an astute observer of both nature and humanity.
A challenging aspect of writing an essay about a person who has influenced you is to make sure that you strike the right balance between describing that person and still maintaining the focus of the essay on you and your own development. In this instance, Michelle manages to capture the essence of her grandfather as someone who is worldly, understanding the fleeting nature of the butterflies, and also compassionate, understanding Michelle’s concern for the butterflies.
At the same time, the essay keeps its focus on showing Michelle’s maturation over the years. From her grandfather, she has inherited a love of nature and the self-awareness and introspection to record her insights on life. We also see her artistic side, as she describes her butterfly wing art as a way of preserving nature’s beauty.
这篇文章是作者童年早期与祖父的经历进行了充满诗意的回忆。它描绘了一幅美丽的画面，描绘了她学习了一堂关于美和艺术的短暂本质的宝贵人生课，同时也将作者描绘成一个敏锐的自然和人类观察者。
写一篇关于一个对你有影响的人的文章，这种类型的文章具有挑战的方面是要确保你在描述这个人的同时，要保证你的文章重点，也需要同时体现你自己的个人成长，这两者之间要取得良好的平衡。在这个例子中，Michelle成功地捕捉到了她祖父作为一个普通人的特质，她也理解蝴蝶转瞬即逝的特质，同时也富有同情心，展现了Michelle对蝴蝶的关心。
与此同时，这篇文章一直专注于展示Michelle多年来的成熟。从祖父那里，她继承了对自然的热爱，以及记录自己对生活见解的自我意识和内省。我们也看到了她艺术的一面，她将蝴蝶翅膀艺术描述为一种保护自然之美的方式。
（第九篇）Eda's Essay：Homeless for Thirteen Years
I sat on my parents’ bed weeping with my head resting on my knees. “Why did you have to do that to me? Why did you have to show me the house and then take it away from me?” Hopelessly, I found myself praying to God realizing it was my last resort.
For years, my family and I found ourselves moving from country to country in hopes of a better future. Factors, such as war and lack of academic opportunities, led my parents to pack their bags and embark on a new journey for our family around the world. Our arduous journey first began in Kuçovë, Albania, then Athens, Greece, and then eventually, Boston, Massachusetts. Throughout those years, although my family always had a roof over our heads, I never had a place I could call “home.”
That night that I prayed to God, my mind raced back to the night I was clicking the delete button on my e-mails, but suddenly stopped when I came upon a listing of the house. It was September 22, 2007 —eight years exactly to the day that my family and I had moved to the United States. Instantly, I knew that it was fate that was bringing this house to me. I remembered visiting that yellow house the next day with my parents and falling in love with it. However, I also remembered the heartbreaking phone call I received later on that week saying that the owners had chosen another family’s offer.
A week after I had prayed to God, I had given up any hopes of my family buying the house. One day after school, I unlocked the door to our one-bedroom apartment and walked over to the telephone only to see it flashing a red light. I clicked PLAY and unexpectedly heard the voice of our real estate agent. “Eda!” she said joyfully. “The deal fell through with the other family—the house is yours! Call me back immediately to get started on the papers.” For a moment, I stood agape and kept replaying the words in my head. Was this really happening to me? Was my dream of owning a home finally coming true?
Over the month of November, I spent my days going to school and immediately rushing home to make phone calls. Although my parents were not fluent enough in English to communicate with the bank and real estate agent, I knew that I was not going to allow this obstacle to hinder my dream of helping to purchase a home for my family. Thus, unlike a typical thirteen-year-old girl’s conversations, my phone calls did not involve the mention of makeup, shoes, or boys. Instead, my conversations were composed of terms, such as “fixed-rate mortgages,” “preapprovals,” and “down payments.” Nevertheless, I was determined to help purchase this home after thirteen years of feeling embarrassed from living in a one-bedroom apartment. No longer was I going to experience feelings of humiliation from not being able to host sleepovers with my friends or from not being able to gossip with girls in school about who had the prettiest room color.
I had been homeless for the first thirteen years of my life. Although I will never be able to fully repay my parents for all of their sacrifices, the least I could do was to help find them a home that they could call their own—and that year, I did. To me, a home means more than the general conception of “four walls and a roof.” A home is a place filled with memories and laughter from my family. No matter where my future may lead me, I know that if at times I feel alone, I will always have a yellow home with my family inside waiting for me.
教授点评：
Professional Review by Potomac Admissions
Honest. Heartbreaking. Powerful.
Those were the first three words that came to mind after reading Eda’s essay.
What we love about Eda’s essay is its refreshing vulnerability. Too many college essays are “too” picture-perfect. Eda doesn’t censor the truth, even if admitting her inner thoughts may potentially paint her in a negative light. For example, she starts the entire essay with a scene of her weeping on her parents’ bed, blaming them for her misfortune. By being so honest, Eda showcases her genuine growth and maturity over time.
Her personal voice is also strong throughout the essay. When she talks about falling in love with “that yellow house,” an image of said house is automatically conjured up in our minds. When she speaks of the heartbreak she experienced upon learning “that yellow house” was sold to another family, we felt pain in our hearts too. Her deliberate choice to “PLAY” the voicemail she received for us and include her subsequent internal thoughts further pulls us into reliving her journey with her.
Yet, she goes beyond merely telling us of her journey. She highlights just how atypical her journey has been. Instead of enjoying phone conversations about makeup or shoes, she is talking to agents about fix-rate mortgages and down payments… all at the age of 13. Though she does not explicitly state this (she doesn’t need to): it is clear that Eda has had to grow up fast, becoming a stronger individual as a result.
Her understanding of the word “home” evolves from a physical roof over her head to a more abstract one. Home is wherever her “memories and laughter” exist. In the end, she comes to terms with the sacrifices her parents have made. Learning to be proud of her upbringing showcases Eda’s evolution.
Eda is someone who will overcome whatever challenges thrown her way, making her a strong college applicant.
诚实,令人心碎,强大的
这是在阅读Eda的文章后，我脑海中浮现的前三个单词。
我们喜欢Eda的文章的地方在于它令人耳目一新的脆弱感。太多的大学作文表现的“太”完美了。Eda不会在意真相，即使承认自己的内心想法可能会给她带来负面影响。例如，她在整篇文章的开头都是她在父母的床上哭泣的场景，并将自己的不幸归咎于他们。通过如此诚实，Eda展示了她随着时间的推移真正的成长和成熟。
她的个人声音与个人色彩在整篇文章中也表现的很强烈。当她谈到爱上“那栋黄色的房子”时，我们脑海中会自动浮现出这所房子的画面。当她谈到得知“那栋黄色的房子”被卖给另一个家庭时所经历的心碎时，我们也感到了内心的痛苦。她故意选择“PLAY”收到的语音邮件，并包含她随后的内心想法，这进一步促使我们与她一起重温她的旅程。
然而，她不仅仅是告诉我们她的成长过程。她强调了自己的成长旅程是多么的不同寻常。她没有享受关于化妆或鞋子的电话交谈，而是在13岁时与经纪人谈论固定利率抵押贷款和首付。尽管她没有明确表示这一点：很明显，Eda必须快速成长，从而成为一个更强大的人。
她对“家”这个词的理解从头顶的物理屋顶演变成了更抽象的屋顶。家是她“记忆和笑声”存在的地方。最后，她接受了父母所做的牺牲。学会为自己的成长感到骄傲展示了Eda的成长历程。
Eda是一个能够克服任何挑战的人，这使她成为一个强有力的大学申请人。
（第十篇）Yukta's Essay
Garishly lined with a pearlescent lavender, my eyes idly scanned the haphazard desk in front of me, settling on a small kohl. I packed the ebony powder into my waterline with a shaky hand, wincing at the fine specks making their way into my eyes.
The girl in the mirror seemed sharper, older, somehow. At only 12, I was relatively new to the powders and blushes that lined my birthday makeup kit, but I was determined to decipher the deep splashes of color that had for so long been an enigma to me.
After school involved self-inflicted solitary confinement, as I shut myself in my bedroom to hone my skills. The palette’s colors bore in, the breadth of my imagination interwoven into now-brittle brushes. Much to my chagrin, my mom walked in one day, amused at my smudged lipstick, which congealed on the wispy hairs that lined my upper lip.
“Halloween already?” she asked playfully.
I flushed in embarrassment as she got to work, smoothing my skin with a brush and filling the gaps in my squiggly liner. Becoming a makeup aficionado was going to take some help.
“What’s this even made of?” I asked, transfixed by the bright powder she was smattering on my cheeks.
“You know, I’m not sure,” she murmured. “Maybe you should find out.”
I did.
Hours down the internet rabbit hole, I learned that the shimmery powder was made of mica, a mineral commonly used in cosmetics. While the substance was dazzling, its production process was steeped in humanitarian violations and environmental damage. Determined to reconcile my burgeoning love for makeup with my core values, I flung the kit into the corner of my drawer, vowing to find a more sustainable alternative. Yes, I was every bit as dramatic as you imagine it.
Now 17, I approach ethical makeup with assured deliberation. As I glance at my dusty kit, which still sits where I left it, I harken back on the journey it has taken me on. Without the reckoning that it spurred, makeup would still simply be a tool of physical transformation, rather than a catalyst of personal growth.
Now, each swipe of eyeliner is a stroke of my pen across paper as I write a children’s book about conscious consumerism. My flitting fingers programmatically place sparkles, mattes, and tints across my face in the same way that they feverishly move across a keyboard, watching algorithms and graphs integrate into models of supply chain transparency. Makeup has taught me to be unflinching, both in self expression and my expectations for the future. I coat my lips with a bold sheen, preparing them to form words of unequivocal urgency at global conferences and casual discussions. I see my passion take flight, emboldening others to approach their own reckonings, uncomfortable as they may be. I embark on a two-year journey of not buying new clothes in a statement against mass consumption and rally youth into a unified organization. We stand together, picking at the gritty knots of makeup, corporate accountability, and sustainability as they slowly unravel.
I’m not sure why makeup transfixes me. Perhaps it’s because I enjoy seeing my reveries take shape. Yukta, the wannabe Wicked Witch of the West, has lids coated with emerald luster and lips of coal. Yukta, the Indian classical dancer, wields thick eyeliner and bright crimson lipstick that allow her expressions to be amplified across a stage. Deep rooted journeys of triumph and tribulation are plastered across the surface of my skin — this paradox excites me.
Perhaps I am also drawn to makeup because as I peel back the layers, I am still wholly me. I am still the young girl staring wide-eyed at her reflection, earnestly questioning in an attempt to learn more about the world. Most importantly, I still carry an unflagging vigor to coalesce creativity and activism into palpable change, one brushstroke at a time.
教授点评：
Professional Review by Prepory
This student takes a household item as common as makeup to build a narrative that is as universally accessible as it is unique. This object is inflected with facets of both her personal and cultural identity that give the reader immediate contact with the student’s personality. She takes us on a sweeping journey through her investigation of the world around her, and embarks on a coming-of-age story without losing sight of the essay’s main topic. This student strikes a balance between the narrative and creative writing elements that are integral to successful personal statements. The writer gives us glimpses of insight into her personal development across multiple years, using makeup as a medium for self-reflection and discovery. She masterfully leverages the colors and elements of her makeup collection to craft vivid descriptions, situating imagery as the cornerstone of this essay’s approach and success. She takes up an object so easily tied to consumerism and superficiality and uses it to champion the societal and ethical battles for which she advocates.
We also see that the writer of this essay has a clearly defined voice. While many students struggle with the temptation to elevate their writing through ornamentation, this writer is able to maneuver a vibrant writing style that remains engaging, rhythmic and measured. Through each moment of this essay, we learn what the author cares about: conscious consumerism, creativity, and activism; we also learn how she thinks: curiosily, selflessly, and with feminist undertones. The opening sentences of this essay employ a successful strategy for personal statement writing, rich with adjectives detailing a small scene, that is expanded upon to make a larger commentary about the author and where she stands in society. Last, the student’s essay compliments her larger admissions profile in which the reader learns about years of advocacy, sustainable practices, and intentions to positively impact her community.
作者用一种像化妆品一样常见的家居用品来构建一种既普遍又独特的叙事方法。这个对象受到了她个人和文化身份的影响，使读者能够立即了解到学生的性格。她带我们踏上了一段全面的成长旅程，对她周围的世界进行了调查，并在不忽视文章主题的情况下开始了一个成长故事。这个学生在叙事和创造性写作元素之间取得平衡，这些元素是成功的文章不可或缺的。这位作家用化妆作为自我反思和发现，探索的媒介，让我们看到了她多年来的个人成长。她巧妙地利用了化妆品系列的颜色和元素来进行生动的描述，将图像作为本文方法和成功的基石。她拿起一个很容易与消费主义和肤浅联系在一起的东西，并用它来支持她所倡导的社会和道德冲击。
我们还了解到这篇文章的作者有一个明确的声音。尽管许多学生都在努力通过修饰来提升自己的写作水平，但这位作家能够驾驭一种充满活力的写作风格，这种风格仍然引人入胜、有节奏、有分寸。通过这篇文章的每一个阶段，我们都可以了解到作者关心的是什么，这其中包括有意识的消费主义、创造力和激进主义；我们还了解了她是如何思考的，好奇、无私，以及带有女权主义色彩。这篇文章的开头句子采用了一种成功的个人陈述写作策略，充满了详细描述一个小场景的形容词，并对其进行了扩展，对作者及其在社会中的地位进行了更大的评论。最后，这名学生的文章赞扬了她更大的admissions profile，读者在其中了解了多年的倡导、可持续实践以及对社区产生积极影响的意图。
